BABY STEPS . . .

I know that a lot of people think that making New Year's Resolutions is an exercise in frustration and failure . . . For ME, it always seems so . . . hopeful . . . even though I do not know if my track record is really any more successful than anybody else's.


A new year just seems like SUCH a blank slate . . . filled to brimming with endless possibilities . . . and I am SO far from being what and who I want to be . . . I can never resist making a list . . . a roadmap, I suppose, of how to get from where I am to where I want to be . . . or at least to start down that path . . .


Oh, my resolutions are never real grandiose . . . I tend to favor baby steps . . . and even those tend to hack away at root causes rather than simply the visible 'fruits' of the areas I want to see the most improvement . . . I may not be VISIBLY different by the end of the upcoming year . . . but I hope that starting from deep within, I AM making changes that will ultimately get me there . . .


So here we are on the cusp of 2010 . . . WOW . . . remember when the Y2K 'scare' was on everybody's mind? Our world of technology was going to come crashing down around our ears . . . and yet, here we are a DECADE later . . . and somehow the earth has kept spinning . . . our computers all have kept working . . . life has continued . . .


There have been a couple of times in my life where I felt like *I* was going to come crashing down . . . where I had reached a point of some kind that *I* would not be able to get past, personally, and yet, somehow I did. I always did. Some years have brought devastating, disappointing changes . . . Other people's choices have, on occasion, backed me into a corner that I did not wish to be in . . . and I saw no way to work through to get to where I wanted and hoped to be . . . but each of those years passed, too . . . like all the rest . . .


The inevitable -- sometimes rather depressing -- truth is that NOTHING that can happen TO us in life is fatal . . . EVERYTHING can be worked through and built upon . . . At times that truth has felt kind of depressing, to be honest . . . and yet, that does not make it any less true . . . Like a wildfire sweeping through a forest, new life CAN be built on the ashes of all the destroyed trees . . . even though it may take time . . . and the tender shoots of new life may not be visible immediately . . . with patience, and hope, and time . . . great beauty will again be possible . . . and perhaps the forest will even regrow healthier and more beautiful than before . . . The birds will return . . . animals will, as well . . .


So . . . I do not find the opportunity to reflect back on the past year -- even horrible, difficult, excruciating years that have left me whimpering and devastated -- to see what can be gleaned from those life experiences, and how that can be built on in the year ahead, to be a depressing, futile exercise at all . . . I like moments of self reflection like that . . . because it forces me to be brutally honest with myself about my own role in those experiences . . . what I might have done differently . . . what I have learned from them . . . how I can heal and grow from them so they are not repeated as a pattern in the future . . . and to me, the very worst, most destructive lies of all are those we tell ourselves . . . refusing to face up to our own selfishness . . . our own poor choices . . . preferring to picture ourselves as the helpless victim, when uncomfortable truths need to be faced squarely . . .


I am well aware that I am far from being any kind of a 'finished' product . . . which in and of itself is a little depressing. Years ago, looking forward, I certainly PLANNED to be more 'complete' by this point in my life than I have turned out to be. Who knew that you could be OLD and still be plugging away at weeding out weaknesses (actually, I have a much clearer view now of just how MANY weaknesses I have than I ever did before) . . . dealing with insecurities . . . striving to do better, to BE better . . . more honest . . . more compassionate . . . less self centered . . . more loving . . . more who I truly want to be . . .


And for that reason . . . I am, once again, making New Year's Resolutions . . . NOT to heap guilt on myself . . . Oh, good heavens NO . . . but because this exercise feels very hopeful and positive to me . . . I do not believe that God is finished with me yet, and neither am I . . . so here are my resolutions for 2010 . . .


1. I will get some form of exercise every single day . . . I hope to work back up to walking for an hour a day, but even on the days when that doesn't happen, I will work in time to go for a walk with grandkids . . . to park at the far end of the parking lot . . . to run up and down the stairs extra times every day . . . I will be on the lookout for times and places to be more active every single day . . .


2. I will not keep ANY snack food of ANY kind anywhere near my desk . . . not even healthy whole wheat bagels for the days I have to rush off somewhere without taking time for breakfast . . . if I am genuinely hungry, I will go downstairs and actually fix myself something to eat, or grab a fruit or vegetable to munch on . . .


3. Every single day, I will find something to be grateful for . . . I know that the Lord has abundantly blessed me . . . I KNOW that . . . but taking the time to consciously NOTICE even the tiniest of blessings is good for my heart and soul, and helps me to be less caught up in the dramas of the day and more focused on the perspective of eternity . . . Taking the time to truly 'stop and smell the roses' will deeply enrich my life every single day . . .


4. Every single day, I look for an opportunity to be unselfish. We humans tend to have a white knuckled grip on our innate selfishness . . . and I want to deliberately begin to step away from that . . . It can be something as tiny and seemingly insignificant as slowing to let someone into the flow of traffic, even if I am in a hurry and I am feeling like my time is very valuable . . . or allowing someone with only a few items go ahead of me in a check out line . . . or something big and inconvenient . . . I am sure that the year ahead will provide me with ample opportunity to experience all different kinds of service . . . and I will do a better job of seeking those out, instead of occasionally having one fall into my lap . . .


5. I will try harder to treat every single person I come in contact with with kindness and respect. I know that there are many people who are selfish and even evil . . . but I don't get to make their choices for them . . . I am only responsible for MY choices . . . and my choice is to assume the best about people, and treat them with dignity and kindness . . . even if they don't notice or care or don't seem to deserve it. I will try my hardest to find things to love about people, especially those whose paths cross mine on a regular basis.


6. I will be less resistant to saying "I am sorry" . . . and meaning it. I will not let my pride keep me from mending fences and reaching out to people and acknowledging that I have been careless and judgmental and self-absorbed . . . I will notice the ways in which my choices and actions impact and hurt the people around me and take responsibility for that . . .


I know these may not seem to be very meaningful New Year's Resolutions . . . but after looking back at the past year, these seem like the changes that will most impact my life in positive, healthy, helpful ways . . .


And even baby steps can help one make progress . . . which is what matters to me most of all . . .

HAPPY 2010 everybody!!!

I hope this upcoming year brings each of each of YOU good health, happiness, opportunities to stretch and grow (even when that process is scary and uncomfortable), and a heightened sense of the Lord's hand in the happenings of your life . . .

O HOLY NIGHT . . .

I know that some of you who stop by to read my blog may want to skip this entry . . . I do not mind that at all. I have friends of all different faiths . . . and some who are pretty anti-religion, period. I am okay with that. I am comfortable with letting people feel their own way towards their own faith or personal belief system . . . and I feel no need to stuff mine down anyone's throat . . .


But that does not mean that my faith is not a huge and critically important part of me . . . because it IS. It is every bit as crucial a part of me as my warped sense of humor . . . my enjoyment of playful silliness . . . my love of people . . . and my insatiable thirst for knowledge and for better understanding the world (and people) around me . . .


I am, by faith, a Mormon . . . a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints . . . That has played a HUGE role in shaping who I am, and what I believe, and what is important to me. I am aware that that fact causes some to dismiss me as not being a "real" Christian . . . but my Savior means everything to me . . . and as poor an example as I am, I still try every single day to love the people around me like He does . . . and to treat the people with whom I interact with dignity, respect, compassion, and kindness as a reflection of the love I know that He has for each of them, whether they believe in Him or not . . .


So of course, the story of the Savior's birth plays a huge role in my holiday celebration. Oh, I love the Santa part, too . . . I love singing along (badly) to Christmas carols . . . picking out, then wrapping and giving gifts that I have spent a lot of time over, hoping to light up the eyes of family members and friends, and let them know how much they mean to me . . . I love holiday baking, and sharing the results with family and friends . . . I love the sparkling lights and holiday decorations that make my home look festive and welcoming . . .I love all the traditions and activities that go along with celebrating, but NONE of that matters as much to me as the celebration deep in my heart of the birth of a tiny infant boy that would change the world . . . who would change MY world . . . with his simple message of peace and comfort and love and HOPE . . .


One of my favorite traditions surrounding the holidays is one that began sort of by accident about fifteen years ago. I had just read the story of a family who prepared for the coming birth of the Christ child by filling up the manger, straw by straw, with acts of kindness and service, until on Christmas Eve, the manger was soft and padded and ready to welcome the baby Jesus. It was a very sweet story, but what struck me most about it was the realization that it really IS our personal actions and service and kindnesses that 'prepare' a place for the Savior deep in each of our hearts . . .


As that thought sunk deep into MY heart . . . I gave a lot of thought as to how well my words . . . my actions . . . my deeds . . . my choices . . . reflected my love for AND my commitment to live like the Savior . . . with family members . . . extended family members . . . friends . . . neighbors . . . co workers . . . as well as the myriad of total strangers whose paths crossed mine only briefly . . .


I could clearly see that I had MUCH room for improvement . . . I could remember all too well the times I was impatient with my children . . . the words I had said in frustration to my husband . . . the things I muttered under my breath about coworkers and all the other people I interacted with each day . . . the times I was impatient or unthinkingly rude with a stranger, because he or she 'didn't matter' . . . the many times I didn't bother to see the people around me as living, breathing, valuable human beings . . . with sorrows and triumphs and heartaches and feelings . . . instead, only viewing them by how they impacted my life . . .


And so that night, I decided that every year, along with the gifts that I painstakingly selected and wrapped with care for family and friends, that I would make a real effort to ensure that I also gave a gift to my Savior . . . one selected with the same thought and soul searching effort . . . and most of all, one that I could not give without a very real cost . . . It had to be a gift for my Savior that somehow STRETCHED me in the giving of it . . .


This is a very personal tradition . . . I do not write my gift down . . . I do not tell anyone about it . . . It is simply between me and the Lord . . . and my choice can be anything . . . anything at all . . . anything that prayerfully sticks out in my mind as an area in need of improvement . . .


One year, I realized that my relationship with one of my sons had fallen into a pattern of miscommunication that caused a lot of frustration and contention and unpleasantness and hurt feelings between the two of us . . . I KNEW that I loved this son with all my heart, and that I would do ANYTHING for him . . . but I wasn't at all sure that THAT message got through to him very well with all of my fault finding and criticisms . . . and so, that year, I decided that THAT would be my gift to my Savior . . . That I would concentrate my efforts on simply loving that son, and not criticize him . . . at all . . .


At ALL . . .


THAT would be my gift to the Savior . . .


It was not easy . . . and I did it nowhere near perfectly . . . Still, I honestly committed myself to continuing to try, and every time I messed up, I apologized, recommitted myself to working on it . . . and tried harder . . . I freely admit I messed up a LOT . . . but less and less as the year wore on, and I recommitted myself the task, over and over again.


That year was a significant turning point in my relationship with that son. Oh, he didn't immediately stop doing those things I had found so irritating and unproductive . . . In fact, he continues to do many of them still. What DID change, however, was my letting those things get in the way of my love for him . . . my belief in him . . . my knowledge that he was amazing and bright and talented . . . I simply learned better how to love him anyways . . .


Through that experience, I not only gained a deeper appreciation of what an incredible young man my son was blossoming into . . . but I also gained a keener awareness of the fact that that was exactly what my Savior did with ME . . . even knowing my weaknesses and short comings and flaws and mistakes . . . that He loves me anyways, with all His heart, and keeps gently inviting me to grow beyond where I am to where I COULD be . . . where I NEED to be . . .


Other years I have chosen other things . . . but each year my gift to my Savior has been a meaningful journey towards both greater self understanding AND a greater awareness and appreciation of my Savior. This very personal tradition has become an incredibly precious, sacred gift to ME . . .


I know that not everyone is religious . . . that spirituality is not a priority for all . . . but I wanted to take a moment this holiday season to share something very personal and meaningful about my own Christmas celebration . . .


Because in this blog, I try very hard to share who I am . . .


And this IS me . . .

MONDAY MUSINGS . . .

In the past few weeks, I feel like I have either been involved in or overheard so many conversations that were filled with various kinds of doom and gloom . . .

I understand that there are plenty of things to be upset about . . . plenty of things to disagree on . . . plenty of things going on in the world, and with the economy -- let alone in our personal lives and situations -- to have reasons to be discouraged and depressed and overwhelmed . . . I understand that . . .

I know that MANY have been dealing with job losses, or cutbacks . . . uncertainties . . . heartaches in relationships . . . bitterness about the loss of relationships or potential relationships . . . and added to all that, this time of year with its myriad of festive holiday celebrations can be added reasons to be sad or maybe depressed or even cynical . . .

I also understand the need to be able to vent freely . . . I am not one that minds when people DO feel a need to express anger and hurt and frustration. Been there, done that myself, a time or two . . .

Still, the sheer level of anger, discouragement and pessimism in so MANY people has gotten me thinking. Some people are angry about the materialism and selfishness of the holidays . . . some are busy decrying the evils of politics . . . or religion . . . or family situations . . .

I want to try to share why -- in such a troubling, scary, uncertain world -- *I* am not discouraged or overwhelmed or ready to give up . . . I know what I say here will not address anyone's life experiences other than my own . . . but I still want to try to share what is in MY heart today . . .

I am grateful for my extended family relationships . . . as imperfect and frustrating and annoying as people can sometimes be . . . The network of support . . . the emotional safety net of knowing that you have a place you can go where you ARE loved . . . where people TRY to accept you for who and what you are . . . where people are concerned about your happiness, and are willing to share both your heartaches and your triumphs . . . is an absolutely incredible gift . . . I know that 'family' does not mean that to everyone . . . but it does, to ME . . . and even if it hadn't meant that in my personal experience . . . that is STILL what I would want to spend my lifetime trying to build for my children and siblings and nieces and nephews and for my friends . . .

I am grateful for the times that I have been misjudged . . . mistreated . . . lied to . . . betrayed . . . humiliated . . . shoved away . . . NOT because any of those things were at all fun, but because it was through those experiences that I came to truly understand compassion, and which deepened my resolve to make sure that I never treated OTHER people in those various ways . . .

I am grateful for the times that I have gone without . . . when money was tight (or nonexistent) because that has made me appreciative of what I DO have . . . and it also has made me willing to stretch outside my comfort zone to share more freely with others -- family, extended family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, even total strangers -- in various kinds of need . . .

I am grateful for my experiences with poor health . . . I have not had nearly as many of those as others have, but those I have had have GREATLY intensified my appreciation of having a strong, healthy body and helped me resolve to do what I can to maintain my health . . . and made me keenly aware of what a PRECIOUS gift life is, and how quickly and easily it can be lost . . .

I am grateful for times of fear . . . and doubt . . . and troubling uncertainty . . . because those have ultimately been opportunities to deepen and strengthen and enrich my reserves of faith . . . It does not bother me when other people roll their eyes at my 'quaint, old fashioned beliefs' or mock what is precious to me, because my faith is between my Lord and me . . . and what YOU (that is the 'royal' you) think about my spiritual understanding and awareness and choices does not impact what I believe and think and feel. Your LACK of belief . . . in no way impinges on MY beliefs . . .

I am grateful for my experiences with bullies . . . because they have hammered home the lessons I have learned about the importance of kindness and respect . . .

I am grateful for the opportunity to know what it feels like to lose loved ones to death . . . though I would give anything to have my mom and tiny grandson back . . . those experiences which broke my heart taught me to cherish every moment I have with the people I love, because there are no guaranteed timelines . . .

I do not enjoy trials and heartaches and disappointments and setbacks and failures any more than anyone else does . . . but I HAVE lived long enough to know that there are nuggets of priceless wisdom and exquisite beauty in each of those experiences . . . if I am willing to patiently look for them . . . and trust that they will be there . . .

Like everyone else, I sometimes get discouraged . . . occasionally feel overwhelmed . . . may at times wish circumstances were different . . . but I have learned how to be content with what I have, where I am . . . and beyond that, to find beauty and joy and warmth and even hope . . . in ALL of my life's experiences . . .

And for THAT . . . I am very, VERY grateful . . .

STUFFED WITH BLESSINGS . . .

November is a month when -- if at no other time -- we concentrate on gratitude . . . I want to share some of things that I am feeling thankful for . . .


I am thankful for my family . . . for my husband who has stayed by side for three plus decades, sharing the ups and downs, joys and heartaches, triumphs and troubles that life has brought our way . . . It is unbelievably incredible to feel so . . . SAFE with someone . . . so KNOWN . . . so ACCEPTED . . . I am also thankful for each of our children and the amazing people they have grown up to be . . . I love that they are GOOD people, and have integrity and honor . . . that they are hard workers and that they are so much FUN . . . I would be honored to have them as FRIENDS . . . I feel unbelievably blessed that I got to be their mother . . . I am also SO grateful for the amazing people -- spouses, friends, babies -- that they have brought in my life, as well . . . Each has enriched me with their personality, their gifts and talents, their love and humor . . .


I am thankful for grandchildren . . . WOW . . . I thought being a mom was an incredible adventure . . . I had NO idea that things could get even better when my babies had babies . . . Each one has filled my heart with joy and love . . . and losing one before we even had a chance to know him was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever experienced . . .


I am thankful for my faith . . . thankful that I know that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and that has a plan for my life . . . thankful for the Savior's atonement that means that despite my weaknesses and the setbacks of my life's journey that I can be healed . . . forgiven . . . strengthened . . . and that my heart can literally be changed . . . I do not have to remain forever damaged and burdened by past mistakes and old baggage . . . and I am VERY thankful for the knowledge I have that I can be reunited with loved ones after my mortal journey is complete . . .


I am thankful for the good mind that I have been blessed with . . . and grateful for the opportunity I have to develop it and explore my talents and interests . . .


It is SO easy sometimes, to get caught up in all the things I wish were different . . . all the things I wish I had . . . all the changes I want to make . . . It is good to take the time to focus on what really matters and how VERY much I have to be thankful for . . .

MOVING ON . . .

Along with feeling (understandably) stressed and frustrated and frantic with school . . . I have realized that I am also feeling . . . kind of restless . . . and I am not sure that I understand exactly why . . .


I strongly suspect it has a great deal to do with school ALMOST being done with . . . My classes have sort of taken over and consumed my life for the past few years, and now that that is SLOWLY inching towards an end . . . I am not sure exactly what it is I will do with myself . . .


You know, I never did quite decide what I wanted to be when I grew up . . .


I am really torn, too. For my degree(s) to have value, I really need to move on . . . and I probably will. Still, I am VERY weary of planning my life around semesters and school projects. Sometimes I cannot even remember (or imagine) what it would be like to just LIVE my life . . . not be frantically scrambling to get everything done that needs to be done . . .


I think it would be nice (though not very practical at this point in time) to do some kind of retreat that allowed me to just step outside being a wife and mom and gramma AND student . . . and just take some time to decide what it is that I want to accomplish with the rest of my life . . .


Oh I do not for a moment regret spending all those years raising/nurturing/launching my children . . . That absolutely was the right choice for me . . . I learned a great deal about myself during those patience-wearing, emotionally-demanding, ingenuity-stretching years . . . and it gave me the opportunity to KNOW my children in a way that wouldn't have been possible on a casual or part time basis . . . I will always cherish the memory of that time . . .


And it isn't like I have stopped being a mom . . . That is an important part of who and what I am . . . and even if I were to go on and be CEO of some fancy schmancy company . . . or write a best selling novel . . . or whatever, I have no doubt that being my children's mom will ALWAYS be my crowning achievement . . . Other things might PAY better, but NOTHING will be more satisfying OR more important, in my eyes . . . but my kids need me in different ways now, changes which are healthy and natural and good.


I just need to come up with a plan of what I want to do NOW . . .


And I have never dealt that well with transitions . . . This is HARD . . .


But then, transitions like these . . . learning to roll with the punches, and deal with the ebb and flow of life IS what life is all about . . .


But knowing that still doesn't make it any easier . . .

DEFYING DEATH . . .

I am sick . . .


SERIOUSLY sick . . . oh, not with swine flu or anything . . . just one of the more common flu bugs making the rounds. Seems like everybody is sick these past few weeks . . . Either sick NOW . . . feeling like they are GETTING sick . . . or just getting back on their feet from being sick . . .


UGH . . .


UGH . . .


UGH . . .


I don't suppose it helps any that I have been pushing myself to get ready for a midterm (took it today and YAY . . . I know I did well . . . I know I lost two points, but I should get most of the rest). I tried to be more reasonable and less 'uber anal' (my kids' term for my 'conscientiousness' . . . such rude people they are!) ;o) but I suspect that even my less obsessive studying is still a LOT more than most people do . . . What can I say . . . us uber anal people are DANGED conscientious . . . =oP


Now I have a big math test (over fourteen different sections, each with a series of complicated formulas to memorize) next Wednesday . . . I am exhausted just THINKING about it. The homework for this class keeps me exhausted and frantically factoring and logarithming my little heart out . . . to add reviewing and studying for a big exam to that list . . . SIGH . . . it wears me out just CONTEMPLATING it . . .


Now that I think of it . . . no WONDER I am sick, huh?


I think I will set my math book aside for the evening and take a swig of nyquil and pass out . . . Sleep is good for sick people, right?


G'night all . . . ;o)

RAH RAH REEEE!!! KICK 'EM IN THE KNEE!!!!

It was kind of cute the other day . . . I always spend three hours in the Math lab right after my math class (which meets two days a week). It allows me to get started on my homework when the explanation is fresh in my head, it is fairly quiet, and there is always at least one math professor on duty and several math-knowledgeable lab aides (one of which hates me because my questions frequently stump him) to help with any problems or questions that arise.


I don't get ALL my math homework done in that three hours, (well . . . once in a great while I do) but I do get a good start on it. Anyhow, because I am there so much, several of the lab aides and teachers recognize me and talk to me when they see me around campus or in the lab itself, which is kind of fun.


So I was in the lab on Wednesday, and spread out my stuff (book, paper, notes, etc) to get started on my homework, when the professor on duty, that I like A LOT (he is VERY good at explaining concepts) came up and asked me how I was doing. I answered that I was trying desperately to remember everything I had ever heard about logarithms and he stayed and talked to me for like twenty minutes (GRRRR . . . I wanted to get HOMEWORK done, but he is nice, so I didn't mind too much).


He said how impressed he is that I am so dedicated about spending time in the lab, getting the help I need to succeed in my class. Then he told me that when he was in high school and college he HATED math . . . he struggled with it SO badly. Because of that, he decided that he wouldn't let it defeat him, so he worked EXTRA hard, and one day the lights came on and he GOT it . . . He actually decided to become a math teacher BECAUSE it was such a struggle for him. He figured he would have both a lot of empathy for people who struggled with the subject AND he had had to work so hard at 'getting' things, that he knew a lot of different ways to explain concepts.


Then he told me that I was doing exactly what I needed to do to be successful in my class . . . that it is obvious that I take it seriously . . . I am always there . . . I take good, detailed notes . . . and I am willing to take the time to really WORK on the concepts, including getting outside help when needed.


After he walked away, I realized that he had just done like this little cheerleader pep talk for me . . . I am not sure exactly why . . . I was having a really good day and the sections we are studying now are not ones I find particularly frustrating . . . but it was nice of him to 'cheer' me on . . .


YUP . . . apparently there ARE math cheerleaders . . .


HEY . . . does this mean the tooth fairy really does exist TOO?!?!??

THE PERFECT FAMILY . . .

I was talking to a friend the other day who was really upset at some criticism that had been leveled at her family. This friend is a good, conscientious mom who loves her grown children dearly, even through their struggles and trials, and what was said to her HURT. It is always hurtful to be criticized (or even feel like you are being criticized silently) by people that you admire and respect. She cried as she told me that finally she said, "Well, I am sorry that my family isn't perfect like yours is" . . . and I interrupted her to say, "But it IS. You DO have a perfect family . . . perfectly NORMAL . . . "


Since then, I have been thinking about her experience . . . and pondering just what does make a 'perfect' family . . . and the answer is, I have no clue.


Nope . . . no clue at all . . .


The family I grew up in was not a perfect family, though there was much good in it . . .


My own family has not been perfect either. Oh, I TRIED . . . I WANTED a perfect family . . . I wanted to be a good, patient, serene, insightful mother that instinctively knew how to solve all her children's problems and just how to approach each one so that they could grow physically and mentally and emotionally and spiritually healthy and strong . . .


But I am well aware that just because I LOVED my children with all my heart . . . and tried my best to to respect and value them is no guarantee that that is what they FELT from me. It is perfectly possible to love people and have that not be the message that they pick up on.


I wasn't always as patient as I wish I could have been . . . sometimes life had me so frazzled that giving my best still didn't mean I had much to give these five incredible gifts that the Lord sent to my care . . .


Despite my good, heartfelt intentions and my best -- though imperfect -- efforts, we did not have a perfect family . . . though I DO think there was much in our family that was good and healthy . . .


Perhaps, when it comes right down to it, a PERFECT family doesn't even really exist . . .


Perhaps there is no such thing as perfect parents . . . or a perfect marriage . . . Just imperfect human beings who are trying to make a relationship work and build something meaningful and lasting together . . .


There is no perfect number of children . . . Some families have no children . . . some have many . . . that is a very personal decision which is between a husband and a wife and the Lord . . .


I must admit that I hope that there are aspects of our family life that our children would like to duplicate in their own families . . .


We laughed A LOT . . . We had so much of fun together . . . I have SO many precious memories of spending time together playing board games, working in the yard, reading stories, working on school projects, going on hikes, laughing together over silly things, making our own kites to fly, going to church together, reading the scriptures together . . .


I remember vividly the time we worked for a solid month to get the house SPOTLESS from top to bottom, being careful not to fight or bicker because we wanted to have a Celestial Day . . . and that meant that the process of getting there was every bit as important as the end result . . .


I remember when we inadvertently picked the six HOTTEST Saturdays to paint our house together, as a family project . . . We sweated, we fell off ladders, we swore we would NEVER do that again, finished it and stepped back to admire our handiwork and simultaneously asked ourselves "Who on EARTH picked this HIDEOUS, BRIGHT aqua color?!?!?!?" (um . . . yeah . . . it was me . . . sigh) . . . and yet from that ordeal came a very sweet sense of accomplishment. We did it TOGETHER . . . It wasn't particularly fun . . . it was ALOT of hard, hard work . . . but we did it together . . . and that was enough . . .


I will never forget the Mother's Day that I woke up and instead of having a pile of presents waiting for me to open, there was a dirty pair of gardening gloves and a trowel . . . because after I had gone to sleep the night before, my husband and children worked for several hours -- in the middle of the night -- to weed and plant flowers in our BIG flower bed out front . . . That touched my heart SO much . . .The flowers were lovely . . . but what touched my heart even more was the thought that they were willing to do that for ME . . .


Sometimes money was really tight . . . sometimes non existent . . . sometimes we had squabbles . . . sometimes we were NOT all on the same page, but through it all, I think that we genuinely enjoyed one another . . .


You know . . . there may not be any perfect families . . . perhaps our family, like my friend's . . . was and IS simply perfectly NORMAL . . . Seven (in our case) imperfect human beings with various personalities and strengths and weaknesses who tried to build something worth holding on to together . . .


I am deeply and genuinely proud of each of my children . . . and -- more than anything else -- incredibly grateful for the opportunity to have raised them and loved them and nurtured them, trying my very imperfect best to share my vision and values of what is most important in life and what I thought would bring them the greatest happiness . . .


I do not know how much they listened . . . or how much they internalized what I tried to teach them. That is out of my hands . . . but more than anything else, I hope with all my heart that they each felt loved . . . and listened to . . . and respected . . . and valued . . . and as much as I hope that there were things from our family that they would like to carry on to their own families . . . I also hope that they follow their own hearts, their own visions of what they each want for THEIR families . . .


There may not be any perfect families . . . but what makes a GOOD family is when people love each other . . . and value each other . . . and respect each other . . . and enjoy spending time together . . . and try -- with their very best efforts -- to build something worth holding on to . . . for all eternity . . .

WEDNESDAY'S WANDERINGS . . .

It is FINALLY beginning to feel like Autumn . . . It cools off nicely at night . . . the mornings are almost cold and occasionally foggy . . . and even when it gets sunny during the day, if you step out of the sun you can feel the delicious, crispness of Fall in the air . . .


I LOVE this time of year . . . I love the holidays -- Halloween (what is not to love about cute costumes and getting CHOCOLATE?!?), Thanksgiving (It is truly FUN to cook a big, huge feast because the whole focus IS on the foods . . . so you feel very appreciated for all your hard work), and Christmas (I love it ALL . . . the decorating . . . the shopping -- trying to find something JUST right for the people you love . . . the wrapping . . . the baking . . . the Christmas carols . . . the sparkling lights . . . the nativity . . . Santa . . . fun family traditions . . . the ambiance of peace on earth and good will towards men) -- but I also just love the WEATHER.


Even here in the sunny southern California desert, we get Fall weather . . . well . . . we at least get FallISH weather. The air gets crisp and feels clearer and more bracing . . . It gets dark earlier . . . and stays dark a little longer in the mornings . . . I reach around for a blanket in the middle of the night . . . cuddling in front of the TV in the evenings gets more and more appealing (LOL . . .the cuddling always sounds appealing . . . TV . . . not so much) . . . I love how the colors change, as Mother Nature dons her richest, deepest colors . . . which just so happen to be some of my very favorites . . .


Yeah . . . I thoroughly love Autumn . . . and I am DELIGHTED to welcome her, once again. Oh, I am sure the hotter weather will be back, periodically . . . but once the cooler nights move in, it is a losing battle, even if the battle is long and SLOW . . .


Now all I lack is a big pile of dried leaves to kick . . .

NEW LIFE . . . NEW HOPE . . .

One of the quotes I love best about children is by . . . hmmmm . . . I used to know, but it is late and I am tired and old, so I have forgotten who said it, but someone famous . . . I am sure you would recognize the name if I could remember and told you . . . but they said something like "each new baby born comes with the reassurance that God is not yet discouraged of man" . . .


Yeah . . . that is pretty close, I am almost certain . . .


There is SO much depressing news flooding our inboxes and newspapers . . . the dismal economy . . . wars and rumors of wars . . . political bumblings . . . natural disasters . . . personal tragedies . . . It sometimes takes a miracle -- a literal MIRACLE -- to get us to stop focusing on the negatives in life and realize just how very precious life truly is . . .


It is an INCREDIBLE gift . . .


And nothing reminds you of that more than the birth of a sweet new baby . . . all purity and innocence and HOPE . . . a new baby in a family brings a LOT of exhausting work and sleepless nights . . . but SOOOO muchlove and satisfaction . . . A brand new baby helps you to focus on what is most important . . .


Careers come and go . . . No matter HOW well and long and hard you prepare for the career of your choice . . . opportunities can slip through your fingers . . . there can be set backs and layoffs and doors slamming shut, despite your very best efforts . . .


Money comes and goes . . . It is nice to have the choices that come with money . . . You can do lots of fun, interesting things . . . eat well . . . dress nicely . . . travel extensively . . . there are, literally, COUNTLESS distractions that money can buy . . . but no matter how much you have, you can still end up alone, dissatisfied, and only wanting more . . .


Even friends can be fickle . . . Sometimes they get busy with their own lives, and leave you alone when you need them most . . . stab you in the back when you least expect it . . . disappoint you in any number of ways . . .


But if you surround yourself with FAMILY . . . despite their imperfections and weaknesses . . . you have people who will stand by you through EVERYTHING . . . They will be there to share your triumphs and cheer you on . . . They will also be there to share your heartaches and disappointments and setbacks, whatever they may be . . . You are linked, forever, with people who WANT you to be happy . . . who may be praying for your success and health . . . who enjoy hearing about all the little details of your day . . . who enjoy your sense of humor . . . who may very well roll their eyes at your antics . . . but who would take a bullet for you if the need arose . . .


A beautiful little baby boy has joined our family this week . . . I saw a picture of him in his first moments of life, and my heart absolutely FLOODED with a sense of awe and gratitude . . . for his safe arrival . . . for his good parents who love him and want to raise him to be a strong, capable, honorable man . . . for the opportunity *I* will have as his gramma to just LOVE him and cheer him on through all his accomplishments in the years ahead . . .


I am more thankful than I can express . . . for my life . . . for my family . . . for my children . . . for those they have brought into our family circle . . . for each new baby that lights up ALL our lives and reassures us, once again, that despite all the heartaches and hardships and selfishness and evil in the world, that God is not yet discouraged of man . . . because he has shared yet another of his precious children with mankind . . .


Welcome, little Gabe . . . We are delighted with your safe arrival . . . and we are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOO ready to love you . . .

FAMILY TIME . . .

The recent heat has REALLY been getting to me . . . Every single year (about this same time) I wonder what the HECK I am doing still here in the southern California desert . . . I am SUCH a pansy in the heat . . . Even with airconditioning in my house and car . . . I just never feel really GOOD all summer . . . I get just sort of listless and blah . . . I guess, sort of like SADD (seasonal affective disorder -- most people get it in the winter or in areas that don't get much sun -- but I get it in reverse, I guess. I don't want to cook . . . don't want to clean . . . don't want to do much of anything . . . It makes me feel SICK . . .


Today we are heading up to the cooler mountains, though, for a family day . . . I am so excited, I can hardly stand it. I really, really, really hope that some day I get to live in a cabin in the mountains . . . to just breathe in that cooler, crisper, pine-scented mountain air DEEP into my lungs . . . listen to the sounds of nature, not traffic and sirens . . . That has been my dream for years and years . . .


I don't know if it will ever come to pass, but for TODAY, I get to live my dream . . . kind of . . .


YAY!!! =o)

BEEN FEELING KIND OF 'UNBLOGGY' . . .

I have been feeling VERY unbloggy lately . . . I think about writing and my mind just goes BLANK . . . I don't know if it is because I feel so frazzled and busy lately . . . or because I have run out of things to say . . . (HA!!! Like I would let THAT stop me!!) . . . or because I actually have too MUCH to say . . . and simply can't put it all in words . . .


School is going well. I mean, it is REALLY busy . . . even with just two classes. But I am weirdly beginning to actually enjoy the challenge of Math . . . I am definitely out of my comfort zone . . . but I am okay with that. I have a lot of areas of my life where I feel like I am competent and can do well . . . and Math is not one of them . . . but it is like something in me has relaxed, and I can let go of my death grip on my lifelong mathphobia . . . and just be content to explore this unfamiliar territory.


I worked into my schedule a three hour block twice a week to spend at the math lab on campus, and that is quickly becoming my new favorite place to hang out. There are always math aides on duty (and usually one professor, too) so there are people there who can help me work through things when I get stuck. I can't believe that I never used the math lab last Spring . . . it is SO helpful.


Yesterday, I hit a snag and worked and reworked the problem and finally decided it had to be an error in the textbook, and went on to the next problem. When I checked that answer, that one, too , was wrong . . . and so was the next. So I called a lab aide over and he read the word problem, and said 'oh you solve that like this . . .' and came up with the exact same answer I had. I showed him that, and then the answer in the back of the book, so he looked at the problem again . . . looked at his calculations . . . and then said . . . "well, sometimes the book makes mistakes" . . . so I showed him the next two problems, and the answers in the back of the book. I felt MUCH less stupid after watching him struggle with the same problems and not be able to get the book's answer, either (though I think HE felt stupid, then). He finally gave up and apologized profusely for not being able to help me. I finished that section (minus those three problems) and by then a different lab aide had come on, and so I called her over and she looked at them and worked them out (coming up with exactly the same answers I had) and when I showed HER the answers in the back, she spent twenty minutes trying to figure out what they had done to get those answers. She was stumped, too. Finally she wrote down the ISBN, the page number and problems number and promised she would look into it and get back to me. I couldn't, at that point, ask a professor, both because I was out of time and needed to get to my next class, and because the professor on duty was involved in a study group so I couldn't interrupt her.


I still don't have a clue how the book came up with the answers they did, but I felt a little better that the lab aides (who are VERY good) had been baffled by the problems, as well. I also took my first quiz in my Math class and ACED it . . . in fact, I was the first one done. Speed doesn't matter, but I know that I did well, and it WAS kind of fun to finish first. (Though it was a little unsettling . . . when I stood up to take my paper up to the teacher, I kept looking around trying to figure out why all the math brains around me were still working . . . I was SURE I had forgotten some problems on the back or SOMETHING . . .


So . . . yeah . . . Life has been busy . . .


I guess that is as good an excuse as any for not blogging . . .


Or maybe I am still just kind of feeling my way through this 'blog' thing . . . and I am still not yet quite sure what I will be comfortable sharing here . . .


Time will tell . . . I suppose . . .

JUST DID IT . . .

I am proud of me . . . I did it . . .


A few weeks ago . . . No, wait. Like ten days ago, I got an email notification of a contest for writers, with the deadline of August 31. I glanced through it, and thought, 'oh I wish I had more time . . . this would have been fun to try', and didn't delete it, but had no intention of trying to write something to submit in less than two weeks.


I knew the contest was legitimate, because it is one that one of my professors told me about and encouraged me to enter a few years ago. Every three years it is open to writers and poets in California. I entered it (both categories) three years ago, which is undoubtedly where they got my email address, but without more time to prepare, there is no way I could prepare something in time.


I promptly forgot about it until a few nights later I was looking through my hotmail account and deleting old messages because I rarely do, and noticed that I had at some point in time made a folder in my inbox called 'writing'. Not remembering it, and curious I clicked on it, and found only ONE item inside . . . an email about that same contest, sent back in late May of this year.


I was stunned. I had NO recollection of ever hearing ANYTHING about it before the email reminder in mid August, and yet not only had I received one, I had noticed it enough to make a folder JUST for it . . . and saved it, even though I couldn't remember doing any of that.


Late May was at the worst of Spring semester, with me CERTAIN I was failing my Algebra class and frantically busy writing a research paper and memorizing formulas and science facts for my finals which were rapidly approaching. Shortly after that, some really sad things took place that shoved everything else to the back corners of my mind, and I COMPLETELY forgot.


Apparently, though, I got the notification with MONTHS to prepare and I must have intended to try to write something, because I saved the email (in a special folder!) . . . and promptly forgot about it . . .


Coming across that original notification did something to me . . . It is hard to describe, but it felt like this HUGE, pyschic 'nudge' . . . inspiration? a reminder of what I love to do in the midst of the regular chaos of life? the allure of an old, cherished dream?


I looked at how much time I had and thought . . . for whatever reason, it feels important on a level I don't even understand to enter this contest . . . I don't have time to write anything new (short stories are difficult to write -- let alone edit and revise and polish in so short a time) but perhaps I can look through old things I have already written and find something I can tweak or polish to submit.


That worked for a couple of days, but in looking through and rereading things I had written and saved . . . nothing jumped out and grabbed me. I mean I liked the things I had written, but it felt like 'well those were me THEN . . . not me NOW' . . . so I decided that if nothing else, I would submit something old, just for the practice and to act on what felt like a prompting . . . but that would be my default strategy. I would TRY to write something new, even though time was SO short . . .


For at least a WEEK . . . I struggled and started story after story . . . jotted down ideas . . . phrases . . . plot summaries . . . tried SO hard to just write SOMETHING. ANYTHING. And absolutely nothing would come . . . Talk about the dry heaves of creativity. I felt VERY uncreative . . . and it is HARD to write . . . or draw . . . or sew . . . or do anything creative when you just don't FEEL it . . . Maybe others can do it, but I cannot, which is one of the reasons that advertising art has NEVER appealed to me as a career field.


Creativity on demand simply doesn't work for me . . .


But with some encouragement (and concrete suggestions for weeding out distractions) and definitely under the gun with the contest deadline LOOMING . . . I just sat down late one night and WROTE . . . I had a vague idea of where I wanted to go, or at least what I hoped to accomplish (I wanted to write about death in a way that wasn't sentimental . . . maudlin . . . creepy . . . horrific . . . or goth . . . more, simply as a rite of passage). I know that sounds like a weird goal, but I have had a few friends dealing with life or death issues in this past year, and I wanted to try to do that . . .


I did it . . .


I wrote something . . . and not only did I write it, I actually like what I wrote . . .


Oh, I have no expectations about winning the contest . . . but I am more pleased than I can express that EVEN when I had almost NO time . . . EVEN when I was feeling pressured and desperate . . . EVEN when I was not feeling even the TEENSIEST bit creative . . . I could write something that holds together as a short story AND something that I actually, genuinely like . . .


As soon as I figure out a title for it, I will print out four copies . . . fill out the paperwork . . . and mail it in . . . not to WIN the contest . . . but VERY pleased with myself for even trying . . .


YAY . . . go ME!!! =o)

NO LONGER THE CHAMP . . . SIGH . . .

One talent I have always had . . . ALWAYS . . . is that babies LOVE me . . .


Honest . . . I can make ANY baby smile and giggle and coo . . . I am WONDERFUL at it . . .


Except last night . . .


SIGH . . .


I now have to surrender my title as champ of that particular skill set . . .


We went to Disneyland because grampa was going into withdrawals (hahahahahah little inside joke there) . . . Actually we went to Disneyland because this is supposedly the last week of Summer Nightastic or something. Monday through Thursday were unblocked on our passes, and the night we were going to go kept getting bumped around . . . usually at the last minute . . . because things kept cropping up unexpectedly . . . but FINALLY we decided that YESTERDAY (last night, actually) was the day . . . so we packed up and just went (hey . . . who says old people can't be spontaneous) . . .


As expected, Disneyland was PACKED . . . UGH . . . I HATE Disneyland when it is wall-to-wall people like that . . . Still, grampa really really wanted to see the new Fantasmic thingie, so . . . there we were, with roughly half of the planet's population milling around with us. It is no small task to keep track of little ones in a crowd like that, especially when the kids are WAY too big for a stroller (their estimation, not mine . . . strollers make great 'people movers' to work your way through a crowd) . . . Then we staked out our claim for a not totally sucky spot from which to watch The Summer Nightastic show two hours early (and we BARELY were able to still find a spot) . . . and I stayed with the kids to keep our place safe while grampa and mom went off to secure sustenance for hungry/thirsty place holders.


Near as I can figure they were gone for at LEAST eight hours . . . leaving me stranded (if one can be stranded when you are standing shoulder-to-shoulder with all the other sardines) with two HIGHLY energetic, HIGHLY excited children . . . I had ample opportunity to practice not making any eye contact with the people on either side of us so I could pretend I had no idea they were glaring and snarling at us . . . Apparently they had NOT staked out those places so that kids could trip and fall on top of them roughly a thousand times or be right there when a shoving match ensued . . . WEIRD . . . go figure . . .


So FINALLY the production began . . . only to be cancelled over the loudspeakers five minutes or so into it . . . LOL . . . um . . . yeah . . . disappointing. I have never heard anything "BOO"'d quite so loudly and thoroughly at Disneyland before . . . Oh well . . . it is STILL the Magic Kingdom, right? And the kids (and grampa) LOVED that first five minutes AND were absolutely enthralled with the fireworks show later.


However, at one point we split up, with mama going on the rocket ships with both kids, and grampa coaxing me on to a ride I have never been on before, though I am not sure why. The ride was Astro Blasters (or something close to that) and I really have no idea why I have never been before . . . it is not scary . . . nor is it really really jerky like the Indiana Jones ride that always leaves me with weird bruises and whiplash.


So he and I got in line behind a young mother and her baby (and roughly a thousand other people). Like I said, babies AlWAYS love me and respond to me . . . I can always get them to giggle and smile. So about five minutes into our wait, the mom shifted the baby (who was about nine months old) so that he was against her chest, facing backwards (at us) over her shoulder.


He was a seriously cute little guy, with huge eyes and a seriously solemn facial expression that I have only seen duplicated in photos of Winston Churchill . . . so I set about to work my magic . . .


First, I smiled at him . . . NO response . . .


So . . . I made funny faces at him . . . NOTHING . . .


Then I wiggled my fingers at him . . . ZIP . . .


Pretended my fingers were a spider, coming to get him . . . NO response at ALL . . .


I made EVERY funny face I have EVER made at a baby . . . and even made up a few new ones . . . with absolutely NO impact on little stone face . . . NOTHING . . .


I wiggled my tongue at him . . . NADA . . .


I clicked my tongue at him . . . made animal noises . . . with absolutely NO response . . . He just kept STARING at me with these huge eyes, watching my every move intently . . .


Finally, his mom turned around and we began talking, and I confessed that I had been trying for the past hour (yeah . . . the lines were THAT long) to make the little guy crack a smile with NO luck at ALL, and she laughed and said, 'Isn't he the most SERIOUS baby you have ever seen?' Then she went on to say that he COULD smile, but that it was really, really hard to get him to do it . . . and that the walls of their home were covered with pictures of the little guy staring solemnly at the photographer . . . NO photographer had EVER (yet) gotten him to smile . . .


SIGH . . .


Even so, I KEPT trying . . . till I finally got a change of expression from him . . . Not a SMILE, more a wrinkling of his brow like he was seriously disturbed and SOOOOO close to hunting down park security to alert them to this bizarre woman running loose in the park . . .


So I finally admitted defeat and gave up . . .


I am SO crushed . . .


I absolutely FAILED . . . =o/


There go all my cherished dreams of being a baby photographer, if ONLY I could work past my magic touch of ONLY being able to take blurry photographs . . . SIGH . . .


I relinquish my title . . . *I* am not longer the champ . . .

CH-CH-CH-CHANGES . . .

HMMMMM . . . Lots of changes in progress . . . some exciting . . . some sad . . . but as someone far wiser than me once said, 'if there is one constant in life it is that change is inevitable' . . . and that is very true . . .



Learning to roll with the punches, and adapt to exciting, longed for changes (like marriage . . . a new baby . . . an exciting job opportunity) . . . AND learning to accommodate hurtful, difficult changes and setbacks is what life is all about . . . Nobody pencils in heartaches and disappointments . . .


Nobody gazing up at the stars as an adolescent looks up into the night sky and thinks "I want to fail at what is most important in life" . . . but . . . sometimes things happen.


When I look back over my life, I remember SO many dreams I have had over the years . . . I wanted to be in love . . . I wanted to be married . . . I wanted to have a family . . . I wanted to be happy . . . I wanted to be healthy . . . I wanted to have the opportunity to develop my talents and interests . . . I wanted to feel good about the direction my life was headed . . .


Those dreams, I have pretty much realized (or they are at least currently being worked on) . . . I AM in love . . . I AM married . . . I have an AWESOME family . . . I have SO much happiness . . . I have better health than I probably deserve . . . and I have had a myriad of opportunities to develop a variety of interests and talents . . . and, for the most part, I DO feel good about the direction my life is headed . . .


Other dreams, have sort of fallen by the wayside over the years . . . I may never live in a secluded mountain cabin where I paint and work on my great American novel all day . . . Oh, it could still happen . . . and the idea is still appealing to me . . . but my husband's job is HERE, a mountain commute wouldn't factor in, easily, and it would mean that we couldn't be as much support to family and friends as we currently can be . . . and THAT has become more important to me, over the years than that scenic mountain cabin . . .


I also may never get my cruise to Alaska to see the Northern Lights . . . Again, this could still easily happen . . . and it is still VERY appealing to me . . . but there are so many other places for that money to go, especially NOW with times so scary and rough for so many . . . so much need around me . . . I am just not sure that I will ever want that cruise more than I want to be there for loved ones . . .


I have faced the fact that I will never go to Art School . . . I have talent, I know that I do. Not only have my art teachers always told me that, and encouraged me, but I just know, deep down in my heart that I have artistic talents . . . I can paint . . . I can draw . . . I can sculpt . . . but most likely those will remain simply satisfying hobbies, a creative outlet for me, and nothing more.


Art school is EXPENSIVE . . . and I am too old to invest what EASILY would come to over $100,000 + dollars on simply developing my talents . . . It might have made sense at twenty . . . maybe even thirty . . . but not now.


Actually, the idea doesn't even appeal to me any more . . . Even though I am well aware that I have talent, and several art teachers have told me that I have more ability than students who have gotten full ride scholarships to prestigious art schools . . . honestly . . . it just doesn't interest me now . . . and perhaps it never really did.


Advertising art is not at all appealing to me . . . I cannot be creative on demand, and trying to force that is particularly frustrating to me . . . I would much rather that a full ride scholarship (which is COMPLETELY hypothetical and which was never sought after, nor offered) go to someone younger and more driven . . . someone following their heart . . .


Other priorities, too, have changed . . .


I have to admit that over the years some dreams and goals, I cried about giving up . . . Some sacrifices were HARD . . . but I knew, deep down in my heart, that to ME absolutely NOTHING was more important than my family . . . and I made the sacrifices I felt necessary to be the kind of mom and wife I wanted with all my heart to be.


Oh, I still didn't do it (either one) perfectly . . . not even CLOSE . . . I have made SOOOOOOOO many mistakes . . . but I do know that I truly have tried . . .


For one thing, I took a long, hard look at my family of origin, and made some deliberate changes, trying to weed out unhealthy patterns and 'traditions' that I did not want pass along . . . that I did not wish to have continue . . . That process was HARD . . . surprisingly hard . . . uncomfortable at best, and absolutely excruciating at times . . . but it, too, was THAT important to me . . .


So here I am . . . in the midst of yet MORE changes in my life . . . Some of these unexpected changes I did not plan to be dealing with in this season of my life . . . but . . . life is just like that sometimes . . .


I know that if I just keep plugging along, trying to do my prayerful best, that I will be able to continue to build a life worth having, and still be able to be there as a support to those I love so dearly . . .


Because learning to deal with changes -- both the ones eagerly anticipated and longed for AND the ones you prayed with all your heart would never happen to you and those you love -- IS what life is all about . . . because 'Life IS what happens while you are making other plans' . . .


And it is STILL beautiful . . . STILL very much worth living and celebrating . . .

GONNA RUN AWAY AND JOIN THE CIRCUS . . .

Yesterday we took assorted visiting family members and 'ran away' to the circus . . . I have been to a circus once before . . . when I was a child with my family. For most of the rest, it was their very first in person circus.


Now, I have seen MANY movies/TV shows that featured a circus . . . read books that referred to them . . . but it was different, seeing it in person. I think that maybe I have become jaded because I have gotten so used to watching stunts on a screen that has been digitally mastered, or that was filmed against a blue screen or that relied heavily on camera angles to produce the 'magic' . . .


Watching acrobats -- in person -- some with safety wires, some without, do their stunts HIGH above the arena really made me realize how risky what they do IS . . . These groups did flips and stunts that were extremely dangerous . . . You could tell they were well rehearsed, and had put in long hours perfecting their craft. One pair did these stunts on these big . . . hamster wheels. I don't know what else to call them. They ran around inside AND outside, skipping rope, relying on their superb senses of timing and balance to keep them from falling, if not to their deaths, at least to serious injury.


Even watching the tiger tamer with his seven or eight BIG, powerful cats, cracking his whip and having them to tricks and perform seemed much scarier and riskier in person, where you can SEE the men dressed in black stationed every few feet around the outside of the enclosure with cattle prods and nooses, just there as insurance in case something goes horribly wrong.


We watched it all, enthralled and DELIGHTED . . . the elephants dancing . . . the horses and zebras performing . . . the stunts . . . the clowns . . . the acrobats . . . the tricks . . . the 'miraculous' disappearing and reappearing sleights of hand . . . It was a FUN afternoon to spend together . . .


And then we returned home and I changed and ran off to the baptism of a new friend in our ward. I have known her for only a few short months, and I do not know her well . . . but I know her enough to know a little about the journey her life has been to get to the point where she wishes to get baptized and be clean and whole before the Lord and begin her quest to return to her Heavenly Father . . .


After watching all those magical, breathtaking, awe inspiring stunts all afternoon, it was very humbling to be so strongly reminded, once again, that the miracles performed in individual human hearts . . . where old patterns, old weaknesses, old burdens are cleansed and lifted and someone is given a chance to start over, with a fresh slate, is truly the biggest miracle, the most amazing journey of all . . .

WE ARE FAMILY . . .

I just wanted to take a moment to THANK YOU . . . just for being my family . . .


I was thinking today about our family . . . perhaps because S and her children arrived last night, and probably in part because K and her children also came in and visited and ate dinner (can scrambled eggs and toast and homemade cookies be counted as dinner?) and we had a noisey, chaotic, absolutely delightful visit . . .


I love being a part of our family . . . a part of our big EXTENDED family . . .


When I start to really think about what that means, so many cherished memories flood my mind . . .


Mostly, I think of the times we have spent together laughing . . . We have laughed a LOT over the years . . . and I am grateful for that . . . Laughter is a tremendous bond between people, and I love that along with the squabbles and tears and fights, that there has been SOOOO much laughter within the walls of our home and in the times we have spent together . . . wherever we might be . . .


I treasure the memories I have . . .


Like hiking in the mountains, especially to View Rock . . . even the time we misjudged our time and had to hike down the mountain in the dark without flashlights . . . that was certainly an adventure . . .


Like the time we inadvertently picked the four or five HOTTEST weekends to paint our house . . . We fell off ladders . . . we grumbled . . . we scraped paint off sidewalks . . . we sweated and moaned and groaned . . . and at the end of it all, stepped back to admire all our hard work and simultaneously thought "who the HECK picked this AWFUL color?!?!?" (and yeah . . . it was ME . . . sigh) . . . and yet, somehow, that backbreaking, excruciating, exhausting 'adventure' has become a part of our family's history, and if anybody brings it up, we all laugh about what an ordeal it was . . .


Like the years of Family Home Evenings (the only family fights that we opened and closed with prayer and served refreshments for) where we sang songs (badly off key -- do you remember shutting the windows so none of the neighbors would hear us?) . . . discussed gospel principals . . . planned outings . . . and simply enjoyed one another's company . . . and strengthened our sense of identity as a family . . .


Like working on science projects . . . cub scouts . . . reading together as a family . . . the time spent right before being tucked in for the night, saying prayers and being asked "what was the WORST thing that happened to you today?" . . . quickly followed by the related question, "what was the BEST thing that happened to you today?" . . . a chance to review life's inevitable little humiliations and triumphs from the perspective of being in a place where you KNEW you were loved and appreciated and cherished . . . a place that was SAFE . . .


Like going to church as a family, week after week . . . sharing our faith, learning about reverence and responsibility . . . Priesthood blessings for illness or worries or travels or the beginning of each new school year . . .


Like family vacations to the Grand Canyon . . . Carlsbad Caverns . . . Yosemite . . . Calico Ghost Town . . . Disneyland . . . Knotts Berry Farm . . . Sea World and the Wild Animal Center . . . the beach . . . the mountains . . . trips to Texas and Utah to spend time with beloved cousins and uncles and aunts . . . trips to take S to BYU and M1 and M2 to the MTC . . .


Like opening our home to welcome friends . . . extended family . . . new loves . . . new babies . . . We wanted everybody to feel the warmth of our family's love and friendship . . . and we were always willing to include new people in our circle . . .


Like the sadness or saying good-bye to Grampa H . . . and Gramma C . . . and most heartbreaking of all, little baby Maddox, that we were all SO eagerly looking forward to getting to know and to love and to cuddle . . .



Through ALL life's ups and downs and triumphs and heartaches . . . we have pulled together and strengthened one another . . . supported one another . . . loved one another . . . and tried our best to be there for one another in any way that we could . . . perhaps imperfectly, but certainly whole heartedly . . .


I LOVE that about our family . . . and I am honored and delighted and truly humbled to be a part of such an amazing, versatile, talented, awesome group of people . . .


I love you ALL . . . with all my heart . . .

MY FUNNY VALENTINE . . .

When I was a little girl, I used to love to daydream about what my life would be like . . . I liked to fold a piece of construction paper in half and carefully cut out what would be a perfectly symmetrical heart when it was opened up . . . both halves perfectly matched . . . rounded, but not too round, pointed at the end, but not too skinny . . . absolutely PERFECT . . .


I just knew that that was exactly what love was like . . . that someday I would grow up and find someone to fall in love with that would match me so perfectly that our love would be JUST like that wonderfully symmetrical heart . . .


LOL . . . That was a LONG time ago . . . and I have discovered that reality rarely lines up with childhood fantasies . . . oh, I did grow up, meet and fall in love with a handsome prince . . . but the reality is that HE is no more perfect than I am . . . We have had to somehow muddle along and make do as two imperfect, unfinished, flawed human beings . . . The 'valentine' we have made over our thirty three years together (tomorrow is our anniversary) is definitely not perfectly symmetrical . . . there are gaps and rough, unfinished edges, that even all these many years down the road, sometimes I itch to trim . . .


WOW . . .


Thirty three years . . . how is that even possible? Sometimes people have asked me for our 'secret' as if there is some magical incantation or secret formula to staying together . . . Well, perhaps there IS, but if so, I am not privy to it . . .


We have stumbled along, making our way through stretches of blissful happiness . . . and some stretches that have bleak and hard -- heartbreakingly hard . . . Sometimes we have laughed . . . sometimes we have cried . . . sometimes we have fought about compromises that were not fun (as if compromises are ever really fun) . . . but fun or not, they are a necessary, important part of building a relationship because a family, a marriage is not a ME project that you can do all by yourself . . . it is an US project . . . and every single one is a unique work of art that has to be designed and executed by the two people involved . . . It is not a group project that your friends get a vote on . . . oh, family and friends can add MUCH richness to the tapestry of your life together . . . and can provide a vitally important safety net of emotional support . . . but the two DECIDING votes need to be your own . . . and that can be a hard, tricky lesson to learn . . .


I guess, if there IS a 'secret' we have learned, it is simply to hang in there and keep trying . . . which is, of course, easy enough to do when things are going well and there is enough money, and life is good, and laughter comes easily, and our cherished dreams and hoped-for goals are are being met . . .


It is much trickier, much harder, but even more important, to hang in there when things are not so sunny . . . when finances are tight (or impossible) . . . when a dream or two has hit a roadblock or gone splat . . . when laughter is not as frequent a visitor as tears and frustrations . . . when the easiest thing to do feels like to throw it all away, and start over fresh with someone new someday . . .


Oh, I am well aware that not every marriage CAN be saved . . . No matter how much one person may want that . . . sometimes not even when both people want it . . . and I am certainly not an expert on marriage in general . . . I am not even an expert on MY marriage . . . but while I may not know everything, I have learned a few things . . . and I am more grateful than I can express that we have given each other the opportunity to KEEP learning . . . KEEP growing . . . KEEP trying . . .


Because as imperfect and flawed as our marriage is . . . There is much worth working for and hanging on to . . .


I love that we have three decades worth of private jokes accumulated . . . and can share them, even across a crowded room, with just the flicker of a smile, or a look . . .


I love that I have learned how to make my husband feel loved . . . whether or not I always do those things . . .


I love that we both cherish our five amazing children, and that either one of us would do anything in our power to keep them and those they have added to our family circle, safe and whole . . .


I love that we still laugh together . . . that we are genuinely FRIENDS, as well as lovers and partners and parents and joint mortgage holders . . .


I love that even when we don't see eye-to-eye on something . . . we can be respectful of our differences of opinion . . . That we have learned that coming up with a compromise involves listening to one another, and taking the time to hear and understand what is difficult to hear and understand . . .


I am not exactly sure why we are still together after all these years, because like every other marriage, there have been times when either one of us could have called it quits and felt justified . . . but . . . here we are . . . and I just want to say THANK YOU, Mark, for continuing to love me even when you don't understand me . . . or I baffle . . . or frustrate you . . . even when I have spent too much money . . . even when we disagree . . . even when I have hurt you . . . even when we are in the midst of a stretch that is not fun . . . even when it would be sooo much easier to walk away . . .


That you have chosen not to do so, over and over and over, touches my heart deeply . . .


I love you, Mark . . . Happy almost anniversary . . .

A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES . . .

Today I was driving across Riverside, over by Fairmont Park and looked up and caught a glimpse of Mt. Rubidoux . . . Now I have lived here for eons, and seen it off in the distance maybe (roughly) a million times . . . but I have only climbed it once . . . a year and a half ago. And seeing it today, put me right back there . . .


T and J and little M invited us along on a hike to the cross at the top. I know it was a year and a half ago, only because it was during the time I was waiting on my first cataract surgery. I was legally blind in one eye, and the other eye (which also had a cataract growing) didn't have great vision either.


I had seen Mt. Rubidoux off in the distance so many times that I didn't think it would be that big a deal to climb it, but it was actually a pretty steep, grueling hike. The five of us hiked it, and I can still VIVIDLY remember how worried I was about my eyes . . . I was relieved with the diagnosis of 'cataracts' because those are the most easily fixable of all the possible causes of my diminished vision (I couldn't even drive the last month or two). It was really a DARK, scary time . . .


I enjoyed the hike (what a work out!!!) but I remember how disconcerting it was to look out and KNOW that there was a gorgeous view available . . . and to realize that I could see so little of it, and what I could see was blurred.


I was feeling SO scared about the future during that hike . . . I mean I loved being outdoors, on such a beautiful day, with people that I absolutely cherished . . . I LOVED that . . . but everything I enjoy most in life involves my sight . . . reading . . . drawing . . . painting . . . sewing . . . writing . . . studying . . . If something went wrong with the surgery, and those things were lost to me forever . . . MAN . . . I just couldn't even face that thought . . .


So despite it being such a bright, sunny day . . . and an activity I was sharing with my husband, and son and daughter-in-law and grandson . . . that particular day seemed rather dark and bleak to me . . . I was SO scared . . . Too apprehensive and afraid to even voice my thoughts . . . I don't think I ever told anyone . . .


Stumbling across that memory TODAY, especially so unexpectedly, when I saw Mt. Rubidoux, off in the distance, made me realize how MUCH I have to be grateful for . . .


Here it is a year and a half later . . . I have had cataract surgery on both eyes (the surgeries were a year apart) and my vision is AMAZING. I CAN sew . . . I CAN read . . . I CAN draw . . . I CAN study . . . I CAN see the beautiful, cherished faces of the people I love . . .


I am SO very thankful for that blessing . . .

THURSDAY RAMBLINGS . . .

I have been TRYING to think of things to write about . . . because I know they always say if you want to write or like to write, you should write SOMETHING every single day . . . and I have missed quite a few days lately . . .


I have sat down, all ready and determined to write . . . and blah, blah, blah . . . I cannot think of ANYTHING worth saying . . . I mean, I know that blogging doesn't HAVE to be 'about' anything . . . there is no word length requirement or insightfulness level that must be reached . . . so you would THINK that there would be no pressure at all . . . but since I enjoy writing . . . love words, the pressure is there to say something that represents ME somehow . . .


LOL . . .


So, I suppose I must face the fact that *I* am filled with banal drivel and nothingness . . . which, theoretically should remove the last of any imagined pressure I have been feeling to blog RIGHT . . . or at least WELL . . . whatever that means . . .


This has been a weird summer . . . unexpectedly sad and difficult . . . stretchy in ways I did not anticipate. I was hanging on by my fingernails the last few weeks of the semester, SO stressed and SO worn down . . . I really was looking forward to a few months of kicking back and recharging my batteries and just doing FUN projects , just because I WANTED to . . .


HMMMMMMM . . . so far I have done a little cleaning . . . a little organizing . . . a little dejunking . . . but I really have not done ANY of the fun, creative projects I had planned on . . . partly because life intervened . . . partly because I just sort of had the wind knocked out of me, and lost my momentum . . .


Oh, summer isn't over yet, and my priorities shifted a little (which is perfectly acceptable and always necessitates a shuffling of plans). I have had the opportunity to participate in potty training an adorable little toddler that I love dearly . . . so, I can't say I haven't accomplished ANYTHING . . . Going for walks to look for bugs . . . cuddling while we watched Madagascar or Cars for the bazillioneth time . . . Giggling hysterically over books about froggies and ballerinas and other fun stuff . . . and just being silly . . . "I love YOU" . . . "NO no no no no . . . *I* love *YOU*" . . . over and over again . . .


Those things are important, too . . . Actually those kinds of things are probably FAR more important than finishing the mural on the castle room wall or painting or rearranging pictures on walls . . . Those can be done another time . . . The time frame where this little guy will be so content to hang out with Gramma and be SO delighted with my silly sense of humor, is way too brief . . .


Ditto for time spent visiting the people I love . . . Yeah, gas is expensive . . . yeah, it is difficult to give up an entire weekend . . . Yeah, I would rather sleep in my own bed . . . But I would gladly give up everything I have to spend another weekend with my mom . . . to hear her voice . . . to listen to her words of wisdom making sense out of everything . . . to just HUG her again . . . and that possibility has passed . . . So I intend to cherish EVERY opportunity I have to spend precious time with loved ones . . . There is NO possession or opportunity that would trump that . . . at least for ME . . .


Family comes first . . .


I love you guys . . . and I hope you know that . . .