When I was a little girl, I used to love to daydream about what my life would be like . . . I liked to fold a piece of construction paper in half and carefully cut out what would be a perfectly symmetrical heart when it was opened up . . . both halves perfectly matched . . . rounded, but not too round, pointed at the end, but not too skinny . . . absolutely PERFECT . . .
I just knew that that was exactly what love was like . . . that someday I would grow up and find someone to fall in love with that would match me so perfectly that our love would be JUST like that wonderfully symmetrical heart . . .
LOL . . . That was a LONG time ago . . . and I have discovered that reality rarely lines up with childhood fantasies . . . oh, I did grow up, meet and fall in love with a handsome prince . . . but the reality is that HE is no more perfect than I am . . . We have had to somehow muddle along and make do as two imperfect, unfinished, flawed human beings . . . The 'valentine' we have made over our thirty three years together (tomorrow is our anniversary) is definitely not perfectly symmetrical . . . there are gaps and rough, unfinished edges, that even all these many years down the road, sometimes I itch to trim . . .
WOW . . .
Thirty three years . . . how is that even possible? Sometimes people have asked me for our 'secret' as if there is some magical incantation or secret formula to staying together . . . Well, perhaps there IS, but if so, I am not privy to it . . .
We have stumbled along, making our way through stretches of blissful happiness . . . and some stretches that have bleak and hard -- heartbreakingly hard . . . Sometimes we have laughed . . . sometimes we have cried . . . sometimes we have fought about compromises that were not fun (as if compromises are ever really fun) . . . but fun or not, they are a necessary, important part of building a relationship because a family, a marriage is not a ME project that you can do all by yourself . . . it is an US project . . . and every single one is a unique work of art that has to be designed and executed by the two people involved . . . It is not a group project that your friends get a vote on . . . oh, family and friends can add MUCH richness to the tapestry of your life together . . . and can provide a vitally important safety net of emotional support . . . but the two DECIDING votes need to be your own . . . and that can be a hard, tricky lesson to learn . . .
I guess, if there IS a 'secret' we have learned, it is simply to hang in there and keep trying . . . which is, of course, easy enough to do when things are going well and there is enough money, and life is good, and laughter comes easily, and our cherished dreams and hoped-for goals are are being met . . .
It is much trickier, much harder, but even more important, to hang in there when things are not so sunny . . . when finances are tight (or impossible) . . . when a dream or two has hit a roadblock or gone splat . . . when laughter is not as frequent a visitor as tears and frustrations . . . when the easiest thing to do feels like to throw it all away, and start over fresh with someone new someday . . .
Oh, I am well aware that not every marriage CAN be saved . . . No matter how much one person may want that . . . sometimes not even when both people want it . . . and I am certainly not an expert on marriage in general . . . I am not even an expert on MY marriage . . . but while I may not know everything, I have learned a few things . . . and I am more grateful than I can express that we have given each other the opportunity to KEEP learning . . . KEEP growing . . . KEEP trying . . .
Because as imperfect and flawed as our marriage is . . . There is much worth working for and hanging on to . . .
I love that we have three decades worth of private jokes accumulated . . . and can share them, even across a crowded room, with just the flicker of a smile, or a look . . .
I love that I have learned how to make my husband feel loved . . . whether or not I always do those things . . .
I love that we both cherish our five amazing children, and that either one of us would do anything in our power to keep them and those they have added to our family circle, safe and whole . . .
I love that we still laugh together . . . that we are genuinely FRIENDS, as well as lovers and partners and parents and joint mortgage holders . . .
I love that even when we don't see eye-to-eye on something . . . we can be respectful of our differences of opinion . . . That we have learned that coming up with a compromise involves listening to one another, and taking the time to hear and understand what is difficult to hear and understand . . .
I am not exactly sure why we are still together after all these years, because like every other marriage, there have been times when either one of us could have called it quits and felt justified . . . but . . . here we are . . . and I just want to say THANK YOU, Mark, for continuing to love me even when you don't understand me . . . or I baffle . . . or frustrate you . . . even when I have spent too much money . . . even when we disagree . . . even when I have hurt you . . . even when we are in the midst of a stretch that is not fun . . . even when it would be sooo much easier to walk away . . .
That you have chosen not to do so, over and over and over, touches my heart deeply . . .
I love you, Mark . . . Happy almost anniversary . . .
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