I know that a lot of people think that making New Year's Resolutions is an exercise in frustration and failure . . . For ME, it always seems so . . . hopeful . . . even though I do not know if my track record is really any more successful than anybody else's.
A new year just seems like SUCH a blank slate . . . filled to brimming with endless possibilities . . . and I am SO far from being what and who I want to be . . . I can never resist making a list . . . a roadmap, I suppose, of how to get from where I am to where I want to be . . . or at least to start down that path . . .
Oh, my resolutions are never real grandiose . . . I tend to favor baby steps . . . and even those tend to hack away at root causes rather than simply the visible 'fruits' of the areas I want to see the most improvement . . . I may not be VISIBLY different by the end of the upcoming year . . . but I hope that starting from deep within, I AM making changes that will ultimately get me there . . .
So here we are on the cusp of 2010 . . . WOW . . . remember when the Y2K 'scare' was on everybody's mind? Our world of technology was going to come crashing down around our ears . . . and yet, here we are a DECADE later . . . and somehow the earth has kept spinning . . . our computers all have kept working . . . life has continued . . .
There have been a couple of times in my life where I felt like *I* was going to come crashing down . . . where I had reached a point of some kind that *I* would not be able to get past, personally, and yet, somehow I did. I always did. Some years have brought devastating, disappointing changes . . . Other people's choices have, on occasion, backed me into a corner that I did not wish to be in . . . and I saw no way to work through to get to where I wanted and hoped to be . . . but each of those years passed, too . . . like all the rest . . .
The inevitable -- sometimes rather depressing -- truth is that NOTHING that can happen TO us in life is fatal . . . EVERYTHING can be worked through and built upon . . . At times that truth has felt kind of depressing, to be honest . . . and yet, that does not make it any less true . . . Like a wildfire sweeping through a forest, new life CAN be built on the ashes of all the destroyed trees . . . even though it may take time . . . and the tender shoots of new life may not be visible immediately . . . with patience, and hope, and time . . . great beauty will again be possible . . . and perhaps the forest will even regrow healthier and more beautiful than before . . . The birds will return . . . animals will, as well . . .
So . . . I do not find the opportunity to reflect back on the past year -- even horrible, difficult, excruciating years that have left me whimpering and devastated -- to see what can be gleaned from those life experiences, and how that can be built on in the year ahead, to be a depressing, futile exercise at all . . . I like moments of self reflection like that . . . because it forces me to be brutally honest with myself about my own role in those experiences . . . what I might have done differently . . . what I have learned from them . . . how I can heal and grow from them so they are not repeated as a pattern in the future . . . and to me, the very worst, most destructive lies of all are those we tell ourselves . . . refusing to face up to our own selfishness . . . our own poor choices . . . preferring to picture ourselves as the helpless victim, when uncomfortable truths need to be faced squarely . . .
I am well aware that I am far from being any kind of a 'finished' product . . . which in and of itself is a little depressing. Years ago, looking forward, I certainly PLANNED to be more 'complete' by this point in my life than I have turned out to be. Who knew that you could be OLD and still be plugging away at weeding out weaknesses (actually, I have a much clearer view now of just how MANY weaknesses I have than I ever did before) . . . dealing with insecurities . . . striving to do better, to BE better . . . more honest . . . more compassionate . . . less self centered . . . more loving . . . more who I truly want to be . . .
And for that reason . . . I am, once again, making New Year's Resolutions . . . NOT to heap guilt on myself . . . Oh, good heavens NO . . . but because this exercise feels very hopeful and positive to me . . . I do not believe that God is finished with me yet, and neither am I . . . so here are my resolutions for 2010 . . .
1. I will get some form of exercise every single day . . . I hope to work back up to walking for an hour a day, but even on the days when that doesn't happen, I will work in time to go for a walk with grandkids . . . to park at the far end of the parking lot . . . to run up and down the stairs extra times every day . . . I will be on the lookout for times and places to be more active every single day . . .
2. I will not keep ANY snack food of ANY kind anywhere near my desk . . . not even healthy whole wheat bagels for the days I have to rush off somewhere without taking time for breakfast . . . if I am genuinely hungry, I will go downstairs and actually fix myself something to eat, or grab a fruit or vegetable to munch on . . .
3. Every single day, I will find something to be grateful for . . . I know that the Lord has abundantly blessed me . . . I KNOW that . . . but taking the time to consciously NOTICE even the tiniest of blessings is good for my heart and soul, and helps me to be less caught up in the dramas of the day and more focused on the perspective of eternity . . . Taking the time to truly 'stop and smell the roses' will deeply enrich my life every single day . . .
4. Every single day, I look for an opportunity to be unselfish. We humans tend to have a white knuckled grip on our innate selfishness . . . and I want to deliberately begin to step away from that . . . It can be something as tiny and seemingly insignificant as slowing to let someone into the flow of traffic, even if I am in a hurry and I am feeling like my time is very valuable . . . or allowing someone with only a few items go ahead of me in a check out line . . . or something big and inconvenient . . . I am sure that the year ahead will provide me with ample opportunity to experience all different kinds of service . . . and I will do a better job of seeking those out, instead of occasionally having one fall into my lap . . .
5. I will try harder to treat every single person I come in contact with with kindness and respect. I know that there are many people who are selfish and even evil . . . but I don't get to make their choices for them . . . I am only responsible for MY choices . . . and my choice is to assume the best about people, and treat them with dignity and kindness . . . even if they don't notice or care or don't seem to deserve it. I will try my hardest to find things to love about people, especially those whose paths cross mine on a regular basis.
6. I will be less resistant to saying "I am sorry" . . . and meaning it. I will not let my pride keep me from mending fences and reaching out to people and acknowledging that I have been careless and judgmental and self-absorbed . . . I will notice the ways in which my choices and actions impact and hurt the people around me and take responsibility for that . . .
I know these may not seem to be very meaningful New Year's Resolutions . . . but after looking back at the past year, these seem like the changes that will most impact my life in positive, healthy, helpful ways . . .
And even baby steps can help one make progress . . . which is what matters to me most of all . . .
HAPPY 2010 everybody!!!
I hope this upcoming year brings each of each of YOU good health, happiness, opportunities to stretch and grow (even when that process is scary and uncomfortable), and a heightened sense of the Lord's hand in the happenings of your life . . .
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