. . . AND SO IT BEGINS . . .

NaNoWriMo kicks off at 12:01 tonight (or is that considered tomorrow morning?) so I may very well be scarce around here, both posting and visiting other people's blogs . . . Sorry, it is nothing personal, I simply want to give this challenge my all, and not having ever done it before, I have no idea how much of my time and energy it will consume . . .

So I am giving myself permission to slack off here (as to my challenge to try and post every few days) for the month of November. I will be back December first . . . and who knows, maybe I will need some kind of a safety valve outlet like blogging or reading blogs to break things up a little . . . In which case you may not even notice a difference in my rate of posting . . . Like I said, I really have NO idea . . .

But if worst comes to worst . . . please know that you are still in my thoughts and prayers . . . and I'LL BE BACK (said in my best, fake Arnie governator voice) . . . ;o)

OUTSIDE MY COMFORT ZONE . . .

I know that I am weird (probably in many ways) but especially in the fact that I am occasionally forced to admit that my comfort zone is about the size of a postage stamp. Yeah . . . really. How pathetic is that?

This past week I had to face down several of my comfort zone demons . . . and I am proud to report that I DID . . . EVEN THOUGH the process about killed me off.

Now, I may heartily wish that those demons were things like jumping out of an airplane or rappelling down the side of the grand canyon (SOOOOoooOOOO not ever gonna happen) . . . but they were much littler. MUCH much MUCH littler.

I became aware of a job opening that I needed both a resume AND a letter of recommendation for . . . in a hurry. The application window was only open for one week, and by the time I became aware of it, I had three days before it closed. I had to ask someone to write the letter of recommendation with THAT little notice, at a time when the professors I know and work with are absolutely SWAMPED (its midterm time). I was surprised at HOW hard it was to even ask someone. I couldn't ask either of my current bosses, because they are on the hiring committee (but only two of about fourteen voices). Because of that potential conflict of interest, I couldn't approach either of them. Anyhow, after giving it a LOT of thought, I decided on someone that I have worked with before, and emailed her, apologizing for the short notice. Part of the problem was that a coworker who was also applying for the job (actually there are two openings) had shown me HER letter of recommendation. This woman is a friend of mine and I think the world of her, but after I read her letter, I was SO intimidated. It really made her sound bulletproof AND like she could walk on water. YIKES . . . I was sure that MINE would read along the lines of 'kind to small, furry animals and old people' . . . sigh . . .

Still, even if I didn't stand a CHANCE for this job, I knew the experience of applying would be good for me, because my job IS going away after this semester, and there will not be another 'loophole' rescue at the last minute again. I NEED to look for a new job, and the more practice I get, the less intimidating and 'root-canal-without-Novocaine-ish' (hopefully) the process will become.

Maybe.

I am not ENTIRELY convinced . . . but the idea does seem fairly logical . . .

So I did. I asked for a letter of recommendation, while apologizing profusely as to the very short notice. The professor agreed, but did say she wasn't sure how she was going to work it in , time-wise, but that she would give it her best shot, and asked me to hunt down some dates and data and send her a description of the job I was applying for, which I did. Then I waited . . . and waited . . . and waited . . .

The other difficult thing about this was that I had to have a resume. I know that is standard, and probably everyone else in the universe over about age twelve has already written one, but I have never ever had to write one before. EVER. I have proofread my husband's a million times . . . glanced at other people's . . . but never even THOUGHT about writing one for myself. Normally I would have had my husband and my daughter help me (and by 'help me' I mean, of course, let them do it FOR me) . . . but my daughter currently has very limited access to the Internet and my husband was busy, so his help consisted of showing me where there are resume templates on Word, and occasionally interjecting a 'you should add [blah, blah, blah].' His suggestions were helpful, but still left it for ME to figure out what to write and how to phrase things , etc. I know this is incredibly wimpy of me, but that was terrifying to me . . . I was SO overwhelmed with that task.

BUT . . . ta da . . . I DID IT!!!!! The letter of recommendation came in time, and it was amazing . . . I was SO touched at what she wrote. (HAHAHAHAHAH . . . and I had to IMMEDIATELY stifle the urge to ask every professor I have ever taken a class from or worked with to write me a letter of recommendation . . . Now THAT is pathetic!) Anyhow, I got it all done in a manner that I felt good about AND completed the application process on time. I did hit a frustrating snag trying to add an optional attachment, and gave up on that because it was time for me to go to the church Halloween Trunk-or-treat Spectacular and I had an adorable little teenaged mutant ninja turtle and his daddy waiting impatiently for me to finish . . .

I almost don't even care about whether or not I get the job (I mean, of course I DO) but I am just so absurdly proud of myself for even TRYING . . . for writing a resume . . . for asking for the letter of recommendation . . . and turning them in, that I feel triumphant just for THAT. The job itself would just be icing on the cake . . .

While still basking in the glow of my successfully applying for THAT job, I also filled out another application the next day. It was difficult in a different way, but I did it, too. YAY!!!! Go ME!

I know that turning in two applications hardly even merits a blip on the radar screen of job hunting, especially in this economic climate . . . but DANG I am proud of me!!!

LOL . . .

You know what they say about small minds and simple pleasures, huh? ;o)

IT'S ALL A MATTER OF PERSPECTIVE . . .

I had kind of an interesting experience this weekend . . . but before I share it, I need to give some background first . . .

When my husband and I married, we both came from really close knit families . . . and that fact (even though that is a really GOOD thing) caused a great deal of friction between us over the years . We lived in the same city as both our families for the first few years (actually we lived just a few blocks away for most of that time) and we loved the ease with which we could visit and spend time with our families.

However, I also remember feeling a little claustrophobic at times (as awful as that sounds), because my husband's parents had poor health AND were kind of lonely and they wanted us to spend a great deal of time with them. In fact, I soon began to dread early Saturday morning phone calls. When the phone rang at that time, it was inevitably my mother-in-law, calling to ask my husband to come over and help with some project or chore, (because his dad shouldn't be doing it and would probably drop dead in the middle if he insisted on doing it anyways -- which he ALWAYS did). She would always add, 'and bring Sue (and the babies, when they came along) and we will have a pool party and bbq afterwards'. It wasn't that I didn't LIKE spending time with them . . . I did. They were fun, interesting people, and they tried to include me. I just hated spending all day EVERY Saturday with them . . .

My husband worked full time, went to school full time and Sundays were busy with church . . . I was (I can admit NOW) very resentful that they expected us to spend every Saturday (the ONLY day that was OURS from start to finish) with them. I HATED that . . . And (if I am going to be honest) when I was over there, they often had conversations for HOURS about places I had never lived (or been to) and people I had never met (nor ever WOULD) . . . I felt left out and kind of bored . . .

To be fair, my husband often complained that when I went to my folks' home that HE became invisible . . . I got so busy visiting with my sisters and parents -- laughing and talking -- that he needed a crowbar to get me to leave . . .

Come to think of it, that just may have been our biggest 'issue' the first few years we were married . . .

Then after the birth of our second son, we moved a hundred miles away. That geographical move was difficult because we WERE both very close to our families, but it was also VERY good for us . . . for BOTH of us . . .

The move meant that we were no longer two minutes away . . . It is a much bigger deal to drive two hours to visit than to drive (or walk) a few blocks, and with my husband's busy schedule, our visits became less frequent. We still tried to get down every month or two . . . but that depended on the mechanical reliability of our cars, the health of the kids, my husband's work and school projects and our ability to afford the gas . . .

That distance was good for us . . . Good for us as a couple AND as a family . . . It MADE us depend on one another, and learn to better communicate and compromise in our relationship . . . because there simply was nobody else to turn to, for most things. Oh, we eventually made friends and developed a support network locally . . . but the move away from family broke up some patterns that were getting established in our life that were causing some major resentment and other issues.

When we did make it down for a visit, I still got tired of chasing the kids in a house FULL of antiques that couldn't be touched or around a backyard with a deep canyon and an unfenced swimming pool . . . I loved my inlaws, but I could NEVER relax over there when I had kids with me, and when we walked through the front door, it felt like my husband turned into someone I didn't recognize and became more THEIR son than MY husband or the father of OUR children . . .

My husband also kept complaining about me forgetting all about HIM when we went to my family's home . . . My family WELCOMED him . . . but he, too, felt like the odd man out there . . .





This weekend, I had the opportunity to remember all that quite vividly . . . especially all that resentment I had towards his parents those early years.

It was kind of eye opening . . .

ESPECIALLY to see it from THIS perspective, now that I am no longer the young wife, but have somehow inexplicably morphed into the 'mother-in-law' . . .



When adult children go home for a visit, maybe especially if they are (and were) close to siblings and parents, they DO sort of slip back into that old, comfortable pattern of family dynamics . . . It certainly isn't that they do not LOVE their own families, or that they forget them . . . It is just sort of a brief foray into nostalgia . . . And it is absolutely precious . . .


I REALLY wish I had understood that sooner . . .



I wish I had been mature enough to accept that my husband cherished his family and his loving them didn't really take anything away from me . . .

I wish that I had been willing to just TALK to him about my feelings of feeling overlooked and left out, so that we could have come to some kind of a workable compromise, instead of just letting hurt and resentful feelings fester and grow . . . Why on earth did I think that he should just KNOW how I felt and fix it without my being willing to sit down and DISCUSS the matter?!? And WHY was I SO sure that it was HIM that needed to do all the changing to make it work more comfortably for me?!?

I wish SO much I could have -- even for a few moments -- had the vision of THIS perspective . . . of being the PARENT of an adult, dearly loved child who is home briefly for a visit . . .



Oh MAN . . . ALL those YEARS . . . ALL that ENERGY that I wasted being seethingly resentful of something that I should have been cherishing and celebrating . . .

No, it wasn't particularly fun being the bump-on-a-log witness to conversation after conversation about people I didn't know or care about and places I had never been . . . but I should have been asking questions . . . and listening avidly to soak up the history of my husband's family, his roots . . . I should have been more grateful that he came from a healthy, nurturing family dynamic where the members DID love and enjoy one another, instead of begrudging the time he spent (and wanted to spend) with them . . .




SIGH . . . Like with most things in life, it is all a matter of perspective . . .



I wish SO much that I had made the effort to learn how to be better at stepping outside my own personal perspective to see things from different angles . . . I know better now how fleeting those precious times are . . . We will not be around forever . . .



When I look back, I cannot help but think what an absolute waste of my time and energy . . .


I wish SO much that I could go back and savor those years . . . EVEN if it took us some time to find and work out compromises that satisfied both of us . . .




If I had only known THEN what I know NOW . . .




SIGH . . .

OK . . . NOW WHERE THE HECK IS THAT PANIC BUTTON . . .

This is silly . . . I KNOW this is silly . . . Ridiculous, even . . .

But I am almost SICK with panic over the NaNoWriMo thing . . . I mean how STUPID . . .

FIRST of all, it is VOLUNTARY . . . *I* chose to sign up and participate, nobody made me . . .

SECOND, there is NO PENALTY attached to wimping out and deciding not to do it . . . OR to trying and not making the full 50,000 words . . .

THIRD, I LOVE to write . . .

So I KNOW this panic is not only completely and thoroughly unproductive, it is also incredibly . . . well . . . SILLY . . .

I keep waking up at night in a cold sweat, wondering if writer's block will descend (and stay for an entire month) . . .

I also wake up at night (at what FEELS like twenty minute intervals) thinking of story lines I could write about (so far, they have all been incredibly bad . . . but maybe TONIGHT I will hit the jack pot . . . it COULD happen . . . hypothetically, at least) . . .



And even with all this nonsense and feeling sick to my stomach and panicky feelings of 'what the HECK was I thinking??!?!?!???' I still feel excited and energized in a way I haven't felt for a long time . . .

I AM going to do this . . .


I WANT to do this . . .





I AM -- at heart, even if I never get published beyond the few poems and short stories I have had published -- a WRITER . . .

NO PRESSURE . . .

I had an interesting conversation the other day with someone about this blog . . . (I know . . . I know . . . blogging about blogging is inane. . . but I have a point I want to make, so hear me out, please). This person is someone I love dearly and have enormous respect for . . . and when the person asked me a question about where to find something, I answered "I think there is a link on my blog" . . . to which the response was "Oh, I don't read your blog anymore . . . It is boring" . . .

LOL . . .

It didn't hurt my feelings . . . Actually it made me laugh . . . I mean, isn't blogging essentially self absorbed . . . just by the nature of the beast? On a recent Criminal Minds (well . . . maybe not recent . . . I mostly watch old reruns . . . but on one I watched for the first time recently) they were investigating a serial killer who targeted women off of 'social networking sites' . . . and so on the plane trip over, the team members were discussing the phenomenon of social networking sites, and one character is looking at a screen shot and says "eating a muffin . . . YUM!" . . . "boss wants me to work late tonight . . . GGRRRR" . . . He then turns to the other team members in disbelief and says "who on earth WRITES this stuff?!?!?? Do they really think that ANYBODY wants to READ it or CARES?!??" (or words to that effect).

I hope this doesn't hurt anybody's feelings, but I think MySpace and even Facebook are stupid. Yes, I have a facebook account . . . and yes, I even occasionally post things there (though I mostly just respond to what other people post . . . and I don't even do that very much) . . . Twitter seems BEYOND stupid to me . . . Though I fully accept that my dismissal of them doesn't stop other people from loving them all . . .

However, the premise that every thought that fleetingly flits through my mind is important enough to post for the entire universe IS an interesting one . . . and by 'interesting' I mean incredibly narcissistic and self absorbed . . . LOL . . .I fully acknowledge that *I* am simply not that fascinating . . . I completely understand and accept that . . .

I am no wiser or more insightful than anybody else . . .

I am not endlessly entertaining . . .

Mea culpa . . .

I AM boring . . .

And having that pointed out to me by someone whose judgment I respect was kind of a relief . . . because it takes that last little bit of performance pressure off of me . . .

This IS essentially for ME . . .

I LIKE to write . . . I NEED to write . . . and for me, writing things down is a very good, very helpful way for me to process what I am thinking and feeling and experiencing . . .

And being told that I am boring is very freeing . . . because NOW I no longer have to wonder and worry if I AM . . . because . . . well . . . I AM . . . .

And knowing that is not fatal . . . It is not even embarrassing . . . It just . . . well . . . IS . . .

And now that I can cast aside my concerns about being (and internal pressure to BE) entertaining and insightful, I think I will like blogging even more . . .



My name is Sue, and I am a boring blogger . . .


=o)

I WRITE, THEREFORE I AM . . .

YAY . . . I finally DID IT!!!!!!

Well . . . to be honest, I haven't DONE anything yet . . . except that I DID sign up for NaNoWriMo . . . which means that this November I will spend the entire month feverishly writing a very bad novel . . . Oh not bad as in NAUGHTY . . . bad as in poorly written and unedited . . .

I have always been intrigued by the premise of NaNoWriMo . . . The organization that encourages and even aids people -- anybody who is at all interested -- in writing 50,000 words in a month. At least I think that is the word count . . . The contest focuses on OUTPUT . . . that is, QUANTITY over QUALITY . . .

You just write and write and WRITE . . . and leave the editing for after the contest is over on November 30th.

It is primarily designed to get you past your internal editor who wants to wait til EVERY single word is absolutely, exquisitely PERFECT before being committed to paper . . . Instead, this contest rewards sheer VOLUME of writing . . . I think it said the equivalent of 5 1/2 typewritten pages per DAY -- EVERY day -- for the entire month . . . but I could be mistaken on that because I have only been to the website once . . . and in my excitement to sign up, I didn't pay much attention to what was required . . .

LOL . . .

OK . . . that bodes ill . . .

But still . . . I am EXCITED about this . . . I LOVE to write . . . absolutely love it . . . and this will MAKE me write, without allowing me to get side tracked into editing and reworking and revamping . . . IMPORTANT things that NEED to be done (at some point) but which are also POWERFUL distractions . . .

I have heard about this for YEARS, but was always too busy with life or school or something to feel like I could actually devote enough time to this to DO it . . . but THIS year, the timing seems perfect . . .

I have really been at loose ends lately . . . trying to figure out some new goals that would motivate me . . . give me a reason to get up in the morning . . . This is the first thing that I have thought of that might work . . .

Oh, I am not complaining . . . I have a good life . . . a VERY good life . . . I love my husband, my children and grandchildren . . . Life IS good . . . but even so, I have felt a nagging restlessness . . . a sense that I needed something to give me a reason to jump out of bed in the mornings, eager to face each new day . . . It isn't like I DREAD that now . . . because I certainly do NOT . . .

I just need something . . . a goal . . . a hobby . . . a passion . . .

And I think just maybe THIS is a start . . .

BABY STEPS . . . BABY STEPS . . .

One of my favorite movies is "What About Bob" with Bill Murray . . . It is an old one . . . and probably not highly significant, but thoroughly enjoyable and delightful (at least to ME) . . . One of the premises of the storyline is that one can make little 'baby steps' of progress towards making changes in one's life . . . or, in the movie, overcoming psychological issues . . .

I like that idea . . .

There are a LOT of changes that would feel absolutely overwhelming if tackled all at once . . . but broken up into little bite sized pieces of progress, ultimately big strides can be made. I know that one cannot cross a chasm in 'baby steps' . . . sometimes a giant leap IS required . . . but still, I like the idea of at least tackling baby steps of progress . . . Usually that is WAY better than no progress at all . . .

Recently, I have been looking at my life and wondering about things I would like very much to change . . . I have been working on several simultaneously . . . and doing pretty well on them, for the most part . . . I AM pleased with the direction I am heading . . .

While watching General Conference in the past week or so (we were out of town for the actual weekend and have been watching the taped sessions to catch up) I was suddenly struck by how well I used to do with daily scripture reading . . . Oh, I was no scriptorian by any means . . . but for years and years I immersed myself in scriptures, at least for a few minutes every single day . . .

I loved the perspective that daily 'exercise' brought into my life, especially when dealing with a wide variety of disappointing and disheartening and discouraging events . . . and not just with the bad stuff . . . Having that time set aside each day to ponder things of an eternal nature put EVERYTHING in a little different perspective . . . It was easier to focus on my children, and trying to be there for them, with the constant reminder of what a sacred trust parenthood is . . . It was easier to deal with money problems . . . relationship issues . . . little humiliations and disappointments . . . AND to avoid taking credit or getting a swelled head when good things happened as well . . . It helped me to be grateful for the events of my life and strengthened my trust that the Lord had a plan for me and my family . . .

Yeah . . . for years and years and YEARS, I had that habit . . . but a few years back, that dwindled . . . Oh I still cherished the scriptures, and their stories and examples and counsel and insights . . . I still thought of them and drew strength from them . . . I still loved being reminded of them while listening to lessons and talks . . . My FEELINGS about the scriptures didn't change . . . just -- for whatever reason -- the priority I gave to reading and pondering them daily . . .

I missed it . . . I REALLY missed it . . .

And so I decided recently that that was something that I needed to begin doing again . . . regularly . . .

I looked at my schedule to try to see when I could most easily and CONSISTENTLY work a few minutes to read in the scriptures into my daily schedule . . .

I quickly decided that late at night didn't really work for me . . . I am TIRED by the time I go to bed, and it is way too easy to fall asleep while reading a NOVEL, let alone something that takes some thought to make sense of . . .

DURING the day was also too iffy . . . My schedule is different every day, and I needed to -- especially right at first when I am reestablishing a habit -- be consistent . . .

I finally decided that even though time is always tight in the mornings, and I already have my alarm set for 4:45 am, that mornings would be the best time to work in regular nuggets of time with the scriptures. I get up to exercise, so I have time to get back home and cool down and shower before I get ready for work or just to face my day . . . but this felt important enough to squeeze it in . . .

So I now stop and take a few minutes to read one chapter in the scriptures before I head out in the pre-dawn darkness to work up a sweat . . .

One chapter a day is not very ambitious, I know that . . . but this is a baby step I can do . . . that I can work in every single day . . . I decided to start in the Book of Mormon first . . . I was torn between that and the New Testament, because those are both my favorites . . . I love how I feel when I read them, especially when I read them consistently and regularly . . . I not only feel closer to my Heavenly Father, but I also feel more . . . how can I say this . . . more AWARE of opportunities to reach out to people around me who might be sad or hurting . . . more aware of stumbling blocks and temptations . . . more thankful for the Lord's hand in my life . . . more resistant to distractions that can make me lose sight of what is most important to me . . .

So mornings, it was . . . and is . . .

I have done this every morning, now, for five mornings . . . hardly a world's record . . . really not impressive at all . . . BUT even so, *I* am well pleased . . . because I have done it every single morning . . . EVEN when I woke up late, and was really rushed . . . EVEN when I woke up with a killer headache . . .

I really want to be faithful in doing this . . .


This is a baby step I CAN do . . . every single day . . . and I WILL . . .

WEEKENDS WERE MADE FOR . . .

This is a lazy weekend . . . We thought we would be having company this weekend -- and were looking forward to that -- but it didn't happen, after all . . .

Funny how some weekends are a whirlwind of activity and some are very low key, very slow paced . . . I think I needed a slow weekend . . . We have had a LOT going on in the past few months . . . maybe even the past few years . . . Sometimes I think I am handling all of it really impressively well . . . and sometimes, I think I am not doing so hot . . .

I heard once that "Life is what happens while you are making other plans" . . . and I think that pretty well sums things up . . .

Oh, don't get me wrong . . . PLANNING is good . . . Having GOALS to work towards is VERY good . . . but in the midst of those, most of us experience detours and roadblocks along the way that we didn't see coming . . .

Sometimes those are the result of our own poor planning . . . We thought that we wanted an end result, only to discover along the way that there was more work involved, a higher cost to that result than we were willing to invest . . . Kind of like someone wanting to learn to play a musical instrument until they realize it takes hours and hours of tedious, daily practice . . . or wanting to be a marathon runner or a size 2, and discovering how much sustained dedication and sacrifice and WORK those goals each take . . .

Oh, sometimes we can find shortcuts . . . or at least we THINK we have found shortcuts . . . but almost always, in the long run, short cuts in life are not much long-term help at all . . . and sometimes even derail the very plans they are meant to assist . . .

The older I get, the more suspicious and leery I am of shortcuts . . . For instance, I would REALLY rather not be operated on by a doctor who took shortcuts in medical school . . . I would rather not be in a plane flown by someone who skimmed through pilot school . . . Like a little kid trying to get out of cleaning the room, who spends hours and hours in elaborate plots to hide toys under drawers and under the beds and in nooks and crannies in the closets . . . being too focused on getting 'there' (wherever 'there' happens to be for you) quicker rarely seems to actually work . . . Oh, short term, sure . . . There are ALWAYS shortcuts available for those on the lookout for them . . .

But long term . . . ? On things that really matter . . . ?

I don't think so . . . no . . .

There are no shortcuts to developing a good, solid and lastingly satisfying relationship . . . there is no 'speed reading' course for being a good, nurturing parent . . . There is no real shortcut to developing one's talents and abilities . . . and the applause of those you can fool, is hollow satisfaction after the first flush of excitement . . .

MOST things worth having in life . . . simply take TIME . . . SUSTAINED time invested over the long haul . . .They have to be a priority . . . not something you work in to the cracks of what you spend most of your time doing . . .

So . . . maybe a long, quiet weekend spent evaluating where I am headed and what it is I want in the years ahead is NOT a lazy way to spend a couple of days, but instead precious time spent in valuable self contemplation . . .

Something to think about . . . huh . . . ?

BLAH . . . BLAH . . . BLAH-GGING . . .

Today is just a totally BLAH day . . .

It is weird how some days are so energized and productive and some just . . . are . . . NOT . . . And it has little to do with how I feel physically . . . or even emotionally (or spiritually) . . . It has little to do with what NEEDS to be done . . . There is no rhyme or reason to a 'blah' day . . . They just sort of sneak up and sandbag you . . .


WHOMPH . . . and you are down for the count . . .

I have no idea why today is a blah day . . . I got a lot done this morning (though somehow it never really FEELS like a productive day when I stay in my jammies til noon . . . only because I wasn't leaving the house yet) . . . I cleaned and organized my desk top (which will last about thirty seconds) . . . I cleaned out toys that had been accumulating other places besides the toy chest (they sort of migrate towards the tub little M bathes in and the bedroom where he sleeps when he spends the night) . . . so now the little car/truck/vehicle drawer is full again . . . as is the animal drawer (which had been missing several KEY godzilla-type creatures . . . and the most ferocious and blood thirsty of all the 'people' we have here at gramma's house have all been returned and neatly catagorized into the proper drawer . . . YAY . . .

Then I spent several hours going over our bills and my MIL's bills . . . organizing them and writing out checks, etc . . . The ORGANIZING takes a lot longer than the actual PAYING . . . but I did it all . . .

so I cannot actually say I got NOTHING done today . . .

Still, despite all those things, it FEELS like a 'I got nothing done today' kinda day . . .



I hate that feeling . . .


Maybe it is because I was such a master at getting out of chores when I was a kid and smack dab in the middle of the 'hardest working kids on the block' . . . I was SO proud of that designation . . . though I am not exactly sure WHY, since all MY efforts and not-inconsiderable skills went into AVOIDING actually DOING any of the work we were so well known for . . .

Perhaps that is the curse of being the clever daughter of a very hard working mama . . . Yeah, short term, *I* won . . . I DID get out of a lot of the family work details . . . (did I mention that I had SKILLS?!?!??) However, LONG term, I didn't win at all . . . because I am haunted with this vague sense of guilt at being SO good at getting out of work, that I was not LIKE my adored mom . . .


Soooooooooo . . . now . . . years and years and YEARS down the road . . . I still have this vague, unsettled, uneasiness DEEP down inside that secretly I am flat out LAZY . . .



UGH . . . I don't WANT to be lazy . . . and I honestly do not think that I AM . . . but . . . I have this teensy little sneaking suspicion that maybe . . . just MAYBE . . . DEEP down inside . . . I AM . . .




And IF I am . . . my mom would NOT be proud of me . . . =o/


SEE?!?




THAT is the curse of being the too-smart-for-her-own-good daughter of a hard-working mom . . . SIGH . . .



I know that she LOVED me . . . but was she PROUD of me?!?

SO . . . BITE ME . . .

Okay . . . trying to post every other day was a GOAL . . . It is not carved in stone anywhere . . . I went out of town over the weekend to attend a very special. dearly loved little boy's birthday celebration . . . That was more important than blogging . . .

I am a teensy bit disappointed that I have already messed up, but when we got back, I was too tired to think about blogging . . . then Monday was a BUSY day with work and getting caught up on everything that I let slide for those days I was gone . . . So the first chance I really got, I did blog again . . .

SIGH . . .

I am trying . . . at least I am trying . . .




I have decided that my blog would be considerably more interesting if I was visiting cool castles regularly . . . or had adorable toddlers to show off . . .