Today was kind of a unique experience for me . . .
My Mother-in-law has advanced Alzheimers and lives in a care facility . . . She is pretty far gone, in that she cannot carry on a conversation, or even manage to piece together conversational phrases anymore. She no longer LOOKS like herself . . . not the 'her' that I have known and loved for decades -- elegant, stylish, lovely and still very down-to-earth . . .
We go visit her . . . make sure she is comfortable and well cared for, that her room is decorated for holidays and seasons . . . I don't think that she is really aware of those efforts any longer, but the colors make for festive surroundings for her, and at least when people pass her room and glance in, it is obvious that this is a woman who is dearly loved . . .
Still, visiting her is difficult . . . and even harder for my husband than for me, since she IS, after all, his mom . . .
I got a little different perspective on this woman today, though. A few weeks ago, a lifelong friend of hers called to say she and her husband would be in the area this weekend and that they wanted to go see her. This is a friend from back when my MIL was a young mother with three little boys, living in Iowa. They have stayed in touch all these years . . . with phone calls, letters and actual visits, when possible, though my in laws moved to California, and the other couple moved to Minnesota.
So when they called, their names were familiar to me (I had heard my in laws talk about these cherished friends my whole marriage) and my husband had met them when he was little . . . but as adults, neither of us knew them at all, really . . . except in all those stories that my in laws had told about them.
Basically, we just knew they were very close friends that had kept in touch all these years . . .
So this couple showed up at my home this morning, bright and early, and we had a surprisingly DELIGHTFUL visit. I say, surprising, because we had no idea how this would go . . . I mean, they were sort of strangers, and it sure sounds like it could be painfully awkward to play hostess to the lifelong friends of a relative, you know?
But we had SO much fun with them . . . They are both in their eighties, but still spry and sharp and very personable and interesting to talk to . . . We ended up visiting for at least an hour or two HERE, before showing them how to get to the care facility where my MIL is.
When the four of us walked in, my MIL (who has not recognized anyone for years, though she still enjoys having visitors) absolutely LIT up . . . She held out her arms for a hug and said "oh I know who YOU are" to both of them. I was absolutely shocked (and delighted) that she greeted them so warmly. She couldn't think of their names, but I could tell that she KNEW them . . . and so we all moved out to the lobby where we could visit. Even with her recognizing them, it was a difficult visit. She cannot express any coherent thoughts, (her opening line was truly a miracle) but she was more involved and connected to this conversation than any I have witnessed her participating in for at least five years.
However, because of her lack of conversational skills, it ended up being the visiting couple mostly just sharing some of their favorite memories of her and her family (including several of my husband during his growing up years) over the years . . . which was heartwarming and delightful.
Listening to them, we all did a lot of laughing and it truly was a fun visit . . . but their memories gave me a little different feel for the woman sitting there in her wheelchair . . .
My MIL never really talked much about her growing up years . . . I knew that her childhood was dysfunctional and difficult and very harsh . . . but I never before put two and two together and realized how amazing it was that the elegant, personable, social, charming woman that I got to know when I married her son had been created from such chaotic, dark, depressing beginnings . . .
That she made something of HERSELF, based on what she came from is incredible . . . that she also managed to build a warm, loving, stable family is even more amazing . . . AND that she never was bitter or disgruntled or pessimistic is almost miraculous . . .
I got a better feel in those few hours today for just what a triumph her entire life has been over her heart-wrenchingly difficult beginnings . . .
They also mentioned in this visit, what an amazing man my Father-in-law (who died several years ago) was . . . He served in WWII in the battles that you read about in books or watch in movies . . . and of his entire platoon, only THREE men ever returned from overseas. One committed suicide a few months after his safe return to the USA . . . One went crazy (whatever the technical term is) and had to be institutionalized . . . and the third man was my FIL . . . a good and decent man who built a very good life for his family. I always knew those war years were dark memories for him . . . and I had noticed that he never talked about them in any detail at all . . . but again, I never before fully realized just WHAT a triumph it was for him to rise above those horrific memories and build such a good, solid family . . .
Listening to these people share cherished memories of my in laws -- people I have known well and LOVED for many years -- made me realize a couple of different, kind of sobering things . . .
ONE, that you never really know what someone will remember about you years down the road . . . and that if you are LUCKY, the memories will be warm and cherished . . .
and TWO, just how very difficult it is to know a PARENT (or an in law) just as a PERSON . . .
This experience today really made me wonder what it is MY friends . . . MY extended family members will remember -- years down the road -- about ME . . .
. . . or if they even WILL remember me . . .
And it made me even more grateful and appreciative of the people whose values and attitudes and characters shaped the man I married and have built a life with . . .
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