WE ARE FAMILY . . .

I just wanted to take a moment to THANK YOU . . . just for being my family . . .


I was thinking today about our family . . . perhaps because S and her children arrived last night, and probably in part because K and her children also came in and visited and ate dinner (can scrambled eggs and toast and homemade cookies be counted as dinner?) and we had a noisey, chaotic, absolutely delightful visit . . .


I love being a part of our family . . . a part of our big EXTENDED family . . .


When I start to really think about what that means, so many cherished memories flood my mind . . .


Mostly, I think of the times we have spent together laughing . . . We have laughed a LOT over the years . . . and I am grateful for that . . . Laughter is a tremendous bond between people, and I love that along with the squabbles and tears and fights, that there has been SOOOO much laughter within the walls of our home and in the times we have spent together . . . wherever we might be . . .


I treasure the memories I have . . .


Like hiking in the mountains, especially to View Rock . . . even the time we misjudged our time and had to hike down the mountain in the dark without flashlights . . . that was certainly an adventure . . .


Like the time we inadvertently picked the four or five HOTTEST weekends to paint our house . . . We fell off ladders . . . we grumbled . . . we scraped paint off sidewalks . . . we sweated and moaned and groaned . . . and at the end of it all, stepped back to admire all our hard work and simultaneously thought "who the HECK picked this AWFUL color?!?!?" (and yeah . . . it was ME . . . sigh) . . . and yet, somehow, that backbreaking, excruciating, exhausting 'adventure' has become a part of our family's history, and if anybody brings it up, we all laugh about what an ordeal it was . . .


Like the years of Family Home Evenings (the only family fights that we opened and closed with prayer and served refreshments for) where we sang songs (badly off key -- do you remember shutting the windows so none of the neighbors would hear us?) . . . discussed gospel principals . . . planned outings . . . and simply enjoyed one another's company . . . and strengthened our sense of identity as a family . . .


Like working on science projects . . . cub scouts . . . reading together as a family . . . the time spent right before being tucked in for the night, saying prayers and being asked "what was the WORST thing that happened to you today?" . . . quickly followed by the related question, "what was the BEST thing that happened to you today?" . . . a chance to review life's inevitable little humiliations and triumphs from the perspective of being in a place where you KNEW you were loved and appreciated and cherished . . . a place that was SAFE . . .


Like going to church as a family, week after week . . . sharing our faith, learning about reverence and responsibility . . . Priesthood blessings for illness or worries or travels or the beginning of each new school year . . .


Like family vacations to the Grand Canyon . . . Carlsbad Caverns . . . Yosemite . . . Calico Ghost Town . . . Disneyland . . . Knotts Berry Farm . . . Sea World and the Wild Animal Center . . . the beach . . . the mountains . . . trips to Texas and Utah to spend time with beloved cousins and uncles and aunts . . . trips to take S to BYU and M1 and M2 to the MTC . . .


Like opening our home to welcome friends . . . extended family . . . new loves . . . new babies . . . We wanted everybody to feel the warmth of our family's love and friendship . . . and we were always willing to include new people in our circle . . .


Like the sadness or saying good-bye to Grampa H . . . and Gramma C . . . and most heartbreaking of all, little baby Maddox, that we were all SO eagerly looking forward to getting to know and to love and to cuddle . . .



Through ALL life's ups and downs and triumphs and heartaches . . . we have pulled together and strengthened one another . . . supported one another . . . loved one another . . . and tried our best to be there for one another in any way that we could . . . perhaps imperfectly, but certainly whole heartedly . . .


I LOVE that about our family . . . and I am honored and delighted and truly humbled to be a part of such an amazing, versatile, talented, awesome group of people . . .


I love you ALL . . . with all my heart . . .

MY FUNNY VALENTINE . . .

When I was a little girl, I used to love to daydream about what my life would be like . . . I liked to fold a piece of construction paper in half and carefully cut out what would be a perfectly symmetrical heart when it was opened up . . . both halves perfectly matched . . . rounded, but not too round, pointed at the end, but not too skinny . . . absolutely PERFECT . . .


I just knew that that was exactly what love was like . . . that someday I would grow up and find someone to fall in love with that would match me so perfectly that our love would be JUST like that wonderfully symmetrical heart . . .


LOL . . . That was a LONG time ago . . . and I have discovered that reality rarely lines up with childhood fantasies . . . oh, I did grow up, meet and fall in love with a handsome prince . . . but the reality is that HE is no more perfect than I am . . . We have had to somehow muddle along and make do as two imperfect, unfinished, flawed human beings . . . The 'valentine' we have made over our thirty three years together (tomorrow is our anniversary) is definitely not perfectly symmetrical . . . there are gaps and rough, unfinished edges, that even all these many years down the road, sometimes I itch to trim . . .


WOW . . .


Thirty three years . . . how is that even possible? Sometimes people have asked me for our 'secret' as if there is some magical incantation or secret formula to staying together . . . Well, perhaps there IS, but if so, I am not privy to it . . .


We have stumbled along, making our way through stretches of blissful happiness . . . and some stretches that have bleak and hard -- heartbreakingly hard . . . Sometimes we have laughed . . . sometimes we have cried . . . sometimes we have fought about compromises that were not fun (as if compromises are ever really fun) . . . but fun or not, they are a necessary, important part of building a relationship because a family, a marriage is not a ME project that you can do all by yourself . . . it is an US project . . . and every single one is a unique work of art that has to be designed and executed by the two people involved . . . It is not a group project that your friends get a vote on . . . oh, family and friends can add MUCH richness to the tapestry of your life together . . . and can provide a vitally important safety net of emotional support . . . but the two DECIDING votes need to be your own . . . and that can be a hard, tricky lesson to learn . . .


I guess, if there IS a 'secret' we have learned, it is simply to hang in there and keep trying . . . which is, of course, easy enough to do when things are going well and there is enough money, and life is good, and laughter comes easily, and our cherished dreams and hoped-for goals are are being met . . .


It is much trickier, much harder, but even more important, to hang in there when things are not so sunny . . . when finances are tight (or impossible) . . . when a dream or two has hit a roadblock or gone splat . . . when laughter is not as frequent a visitor as tears and frustrations . . . when the easiest thing to do feels like to throw it all away, and start over fresh with someone new someday . . .


Oh, I am well aware that not every marriage CAN be saved . . . No matter how much one person may want that . . . sometimes not even when both people want it . . . and I am certainly not an expert on marriage in general . . . I am not even an expert on MY marriage . . . but while I may not know everything, I have learned a few things . . . and I am more grateful than I can express that we have given each other the opportunity to KEEP learning . . . KEEP growing . . . KEEP trying . . .


Because as imperfect and flawed as our marriage is . . . There is much worth working for and hanging on to . . .


I love that we have three decades worth of private jokes accumulated . . . and can share them, even across a crowded room, with just the flicker of a smile, or a look . . .


I love that I have learned how to make my husband feel loved . . . whether or not I always do those things . . .


I love that we both cherish our five amazing children, and that either one of us would do anything in our power to keep them and those they have added to our family circle, safe and whole . . .


I love that we still laugh together . . . that we are genuinely FRIENDS, as well as lovers and partners and parents and joint mortgage holders . . .


I love that even when we don't see eye-to-eye on something . . . we can be respectful of our differences of opinion . . . That we have learned that coming up with a compromise involves listening to one another, and taking the time to hear and understand what is difficult to hear and understand . . .


I am not exactly sure why we are still together after all these years, because like every other marriage, there have been times when either one of us could have called it quits and felt justified . . . but . . . here we are . . . and I just want to say THANK YOU, Mark, for continuing to love me even when you don't understand me . . . or I baffle . . . or frustrate you . . . even when I have spent too much money . . . even when we disagree . . . even when I have hurt you . . . even when we are in the midst of a stretch that is not fun . . . even when it would be sooo much easier to walk away . . .


That you have chosen not to do so, over and over and over, touches my heart deeply . . .


I love you, Mark . . . Happy almost anniversary . . .

A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES . . .

Today I was driving across Riverside, over by Fairmont Park and looked up and caught a glimpse of Mt. Rubidoux . . . Now I have lived here for eons, and seen it off in the distance maybe (roughly) a million times . . . but I have only climbed it once . . . a year and a half ago. And seeing it today, put me right back there . . .


T and J and little M invited us along on a hike to the cross at the top. I know it was a year and a half ago, only because it was during the time I was waiting on my first cataract surgery. I was legally blind in one eye, and the other eye (which also had a cataract growing) didn't have great vision either.


I had seen Mt. Rubidoux off in the distance so many times that I didn't think it would be that big a deal to climb it, but it was actually a pretty steep, grueling hike. The five of us hiked it, and I can still VIVIDLY remember how worried I was about my eyes . . . I was relieved with the diagnosis of 'cataracts' because those are the most easily fixable of all the possible causes of my diminished vision (I couldn't even drive the last month or two). It was really a DARK, scary time . . .


I enjoyed the hike (what a work out!!!) but I remember how disconcerting it was to look out and KNOW that there was a gorgeous view available . . . and to realize that I could see so little of it, and what I could see was blurred.


I was feeling SO scared about the future during that hike . . . I mean I loved being outdoors, on such a beautiful day, with people that I absolutely cherished . . . I LOVED that . . . but everything I enjoy most in life involves my sight . . . reading . . . drawing . . . painting . . . sewing . . . writing . . . studying . . . If something went wrong with the surgery, and those things were lost to me forever . . . MAN . . . I just couldn't even face that thought . . .


So despite it being such a bright, sunny day . . . and an activity I was sharing with my husband, and son and daughter-in-law and grandson . . . that particular day seemed rather dark and bleak to me . . . I was SO scared . . . Too apprehensive and afraid to even voice my thoughts . . . I don't think I ever told anyone . . .


Stumbling across that memory TODAY, especially so unexpectedly, when I saw Mt. Rubidoux, off in the distance, made me realize how MUCH I have to be grateful for . . .


Here it is a year and a half later . . . I have had cataract surgery on both eyes (the surgeries were a year apart) and my vision is AMAZING. I CAN sew . . . I CAN read . . . I CAN draw . . . I CAN study . . . I CAN see the beautiful, cherished faces of the people I love . . .


I am SO very thankful for that blessing . . .

THURSDAY RAMBLINGS . . .

I have been TRYING to think of things to write about . . . because I know they always say if you want to write or like to write, you should write SOMETHING every single day . . . and I have missed quite a few days lately . . .


I have sat down, all ready and determined to write . . . and blah, blah, blah . . . I cannot think of ANYTHING worth saying . . . I mean, I know that blogging doesn't HAVE to be 'about' anything . . . there is no word length requirement or insightfulness level that must be reached . . . so you would THINK that there would be no pressure at all . . . but since I enjoy writing . . . love words, the pressure is there to say something that represents ME somehow . . .


LOL . . .


So, I suppose I must face the fact that *I* am filled with banal drivel and nothingness . . . which, theoretically should remove the last of any imagined pressure I have been feeling to blog RIGHT . . . or at least WELL . . . whatever that means . . .


This has been a weird summer . . . unexpectedly sad and difficult . . . stretchy in ways I did not anticipate. I was hanging on by my fingernails the last few weeks of the semester, SO stressed and SO worn down . . . I really was looking forward to a few months of kicking back and recharging my batteries and just doing FUN projects , just because I WANTED to . . .


HMMMMMMM . . . so far I have done a little cleaning . . . a little organizing . . . a little dejunking . . . but I really have not done ANY of the fun, creative projects I had planned on . . . partly because life intervened . . . partly because I just sort of had the wind knocked out of me, and lost my momentum . . .


Oh, summer isn't over yet, and my priorities shifted a little (which is perfectly acceptable and always necessitates a shuffling of plans). I have had the opportunity to participate in potty training an adorable little toddler that I love dearly . . . so, I can't say I haven't accomplished ANYTHING . . . Going for walks to look for bugs . . . cuddling while we watched Madagascar or Cars for the bazillioneth time . . . Giggling hysterically over books about froggies and ballerinas and other fun stuff . . . and just being silly . . . "I love YOU" . . . "NO no no no no . . . *I* love *YOU*" . . . over and over again . . .


Those things are important, too . . . Actually those kinds of things are probably FAR more important than finishing the mural on the castle room wall or painting or rearranging pictures on walls . . . Those can be done another time . . . The time frame where this little guy will be so content to hang out with Gramma and be SO delighted with my silly sense of humor, is way too brief . . .


Ditto for time spent visiting the people I love . . . Yeah, gas is expensive . . . yeah, it is difficult to give up an entire weekend . . . Yeah, I would rather sleep in my own bed . . . But I would gladly give up everything I have to spend another weekend with my mom . . . to hear her voice . . . to listen to her words of wisdom making sense out of everything . . . to just HUG her again . . . and that possibility has passed . . . So I intend to cherish EVERY opportunity I have to spend precious time with loved ones . . . There is NO possession or opportunity that would trump that . . . at least for ME . . .


Family comes first . . .


I love you guys . . . and I hope you know that . . .

YOU'RE SO OLD . . .

One of my mom's favorite stories to tell was about my oldest son, T. He was (and still is) a precocious little guy . . . very smart, very observant, and very articulate . . . He was fun to have surprisingly deep conversations with at a very early age.


Once we were visiting when he was about three years old, and she took him somewhere in the car, just the two of them. This was back in the days when child safety seats were new and simply a good idea, not mandated by law, and so he was seatbelted in to the front seat, next to her. My mom (his gramma) was thoroughly enjoying having a conversation with him (I cannot remember what it was about) but she was amazed and very flattered that he continued to listen to her very intently, his eyes never leaving her face as she drove and talked. This went on for about fifteen minutes (a VERY long time for a three year old) and in a lull in the conversation, he suddenly said "gramma, you are soooooo old, I bet you die in a minute".


LOL . . . all the time she thought he was listening to her intently, taking her words to heart, he was merely studying her wrinkles . . . and his conclusion? She was due to drop over any minute . . .


She laughed whole heartedly every time she told this story . . . enjoying the blunt innocence of young children (they simply tell it like they see it) and laughing at herself . . . that she was so involved with thinking she was imparting the wisdom of the ages into his young, fertile mind, while in reality he may not have heard or registered a single word she said . . .


She was not the least bit insulted by his words . . . She had spent far too much time around young children not to be amused and delighted at his skewering her unintended pomposity so thoroughly and quickly . . .


This story has been on my mind the past few days . . .


Sometimes I can remember with such PAINFUL clarity, every single awkward thing I have ever said or done . . . every single fumbling compliment that I have ever tried to pay . . . every single poorly worded comment that was MEANT to be encouraging and uplifting and kind that came out so wrong that I was left breathless and appalled . . .


MAN . . . no matter how well intentioned I have been, there have been a LOT of awkward, fumbling, stupid comments I have made over the years . . .


SIGH . . .


Wouldn't you think that a grown woman with at least adequate social skills who is good hearted and never means to be unkind would have developed more finesse over all these years?!??

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY . . .

Just wanted to wish everyone a happy, HEALTHY, SAFE Independence Day tomorrow . . . Try to avoid potato salad that has been sitting in the sun, use sunscreen, and drive DEFENSIVELY (lots of 'impaired' drivers on the road) . . .


I am grateful for freedom . . . and the ability to disagree . . .


Lots of very brave men and women have given their lives for that over the years . . .