TMI

I have been doing a lot of thinking about why I drag my feet with blogging . . . I mean, the idea really appeals to me . . . and like I have said many times, I absolutely LOVE to write . . . I find the experience of trying to find precisely the right words to translate an observation or insight or experience or feeling into words to be DEEPLY satisfying . . . sometimes frustrating, sometimes tortuous, but even then, it is exquisitely satisfying -- almost nurturing -- at the same time . . .

As corny as it sounds, I can almost feel myself growing in the exercise . . .

I know that part of it is simply trying to decide WHAT to share . . . Since the people who stop by here (LOL both of you) are people that I know in real life, that limits in some ways what I can share . . . observations about people need to be tempered with the knowledge that those of you reading might know who it is I am describing or discussing . . . and even if that observation is not mean spirited, people do not necessarily like being dissected in that manner . . . As much as I love people watching, I have no wish to make the people that I love uncomfortable on any level . . . so sometimes there are things I would like to discuss, and for which blogging seems like a perfect medium, which I pass on . . . just in case someone would be hurt, offended or feel exposed or uncomfortable . . .

To me, that is simply a part of being involved in a network of interwoven lives . . . in my neighborhood, at work, at church, and most particularly with people that I love dearly . . . my extended family. I may very well be able to see your flaws and inconsistencies and missteps . . . (that is the ROYAL 'you', not anyone in particular) but since I love you, that means that even so I am deeply protective of you . . . I have your back, in a very real sense . . . I think that is what being in a relationship (ANY relationship) means . . .

So there are things I will not discuss here . . . because of the love and respect I have for people who may either read it or hear about it second hand . . .

There are also some experiences . . . some feelings . . . some insights that are perhaps too . . . hmmmmmmm . . . too TENDER . . . for lack of a better word . . . to share here . . .

I am having a difficult time even putting this thought into words . . .

It isn't that I am so fragile that the possibility that someone might not agree with what I wrote would upset me . . . because it wouldn't. I am what I am, and my faith is a huge part of who I am. That was (and continues to be) a deliberate, carefully thought out CHOICE . . . I do not need someone else's agreement or support to validate my beliefs or feelings . . . I am simply not that fragile . . . I have no intention of living my life or choosing my beliefs by 'majority rule' . . .

Even so . . . the thought of sharing some really intimate feelings -- especially those involving my spirituality -- is daunting . . . on a level that I can't quite put my finger on . . .

Perhaps the best way to put it into words is to share an analogy . . .

You know how people love to visit and take pictures of Amish communities? I imagine that desire is based on curiosity and is rarely mean spirited at all . . . It is a chance to step outside the modern world for a moment with its busy deadlines and frantic activities and catch a glimpse of a gentler, simpler time . . . One could be genuinely charmed by their quaint customs and manner of dress and work without feeling the slightest twinge of amusement or criticism . . . but at the same time, the very act of thinking "awwwww . . . how quaint/sweet/charming/refreshing/whatever" means that the observer IS taking a step back and objectifying the watched . . . When we do that (and we all do it) it is very easy to lose sight of the fact that those are REAL people . . . with REAL dreams, REAL lives, REAL families, REAL feelings, REAL concerns . . . AND that their being there in that place and time involved a very real choice . . . simply reducing them to a quaint, charming tourist attraction IS on some level disrespectful, even if it is not meant to be so . . .

I guess I point out that example out as a way of acknowledging that sometimes my 'blogging block' is simply my growing awareness that perhaps there are some things which are too tender (again, for lack of a better word) to share in a blog and hold up to that kind of casual curiosity and scrutiny . . .

I just need to find a balance that I can be comfortable with . . .