HANGIN' IN THERE . . .

Yesterday at work, I was talking to a couple of trainee-tutors (who are currently taking the class to become tutors). They shadow/observe us for a week or two and then slowly begin taking over some of the tutoring, while being watched and evaluated. It is a helpful process, (to see an experienced tutor 'in action') and I still remember going through it myself, maybe six or seven years ago.

I clearly remember wondering how on earth I would handle questions or requests for help for things I had no clue about . . . and watched in awe as the established tutors then, seemed to handle EVERYTHING with skill and seemingly endless knowledge . . .and while there are still things that I am not the best resource for, almost everything else I have dealt with so often, that even if I am rusty on that skill, I can look it up quickly and easily and help someone who is struggling grasp a concept better . . .

I absolutely LOVE this job.

Oh it is just part time, and while at first we pretty much got to work as many hours as we were able or willing, every semester, the hours are cut more and more . . . The state budget crisis is draining the school's coffers, which is such a shame. At a time when the economy is SO bad, more and more people are returning to college to sharpen job skills (or develop new ones) and with the funding cuts, there are fewer and fewer classes available . . . Even the professors are getting fewer classes to teach . . .

Anyhow, it is VERY part time and doesn't pay very well (we all took big pay cuts a year or two ago), so its not like it would ever allow me to be self supporting, if that need arose . . . It isn't really a 'career' choice . . . but . . . I LOVE what I do . . . I like the variety of working with a HUGE array of writing/English issues . . . varying skill levels . . . and the puzzle of trying to figure out how to help THIS person master THAT skill . . . I like working with people, and this job is a delight . . .

It is also going away . . .

This will be my last semester to do this . . . It was supposed to go away at the end of May, when the state did away with the job classification of 'part time classified' employees . . . but at the last minute a few of us got a reprieve, when a temporary loophole was found . . . so I could work Summer and now Fall semesters . . .

I knew the reprieve was temporary . . . and I was just grateful to be able to keep doing what I loved a little longer . . . I know this isn't personal . . . They aren't TRYING to get rid of me . . . but still . . . I am sad . . .

The entire time I have worked as a tutor at the college, I have absolutely LOVED going to work every day . . . even when things were slow (and there are a few slow periods every semester) there was plenty that I could do, so I can honestly say that the number of times that the time has dragged for me in this job I could count on one hand . . . I love working with a wide variety of people . . . I love the endless variety of problems I encounter . . . I love the air of 'adventure' because until a person sits down next to me and says "I need help with [blah blah blah] I really have NO inkling of what the session will involve . . . and I even love helping someone figure out what their problem areas are if they are not already aware of their weaknesses . . . Best of all is when you can SEE the lights come on in someone's eyes and they finally GET it . . . When something which has baffled and frustrated them, no longer does, and they look hopeful and sometimes even excited about the task ahead of them . . .

I absolutely LOVE that . . .

And yesterday, in the midst of a VERY busy day, one of the tutor-trainees suddenly asked, "Is it true that from here on out that all tutors will be student tutors?" and I answered, "Yes . . . that IS true." And when he followed that up with, "So what will happen to you?" and I had to say, "I will be looking for a new job after this semester" . . . I, all of the sudden, (though this is certainly not a new thought and I have no illusions about another loophole being found) was just SAD at the thought that this is going away . . .



SIGH . . .



Then at MY age . . . in THIS economy . . . I get to start job hunting again . . .



That thought truly IS rather daunting . . .

TMI

I have been doing a lot of thinking about why I drag my feet with blogging . . . I mean, the idea really appeals to me . . . and like I have said many times, I absolutely LOVE to write . . . I find the experience of trying to find precisely the right words to translate an observation or insight or experience or feeling into words to be DEEPLY satisfying . . . sometimes frustrating, sometimes tortuous, but even then, it is exquisitely satisfying -- almost nurturing -- at the same time . . .

As corny as it sounds, I can almost feel myself growing in the exercise . . .

I know that part of it is simply trying to decide WHAT to share . . . Since the people who stop by here (LOL both of you) are people that I know in real life, that limits in some ways what I can share . . . observations about people need to be tempered with the knowledge that those of you reading might know who it is I am describing or discussing . . . and even if that observation is not mean spirited, people do not necessarily like being dissected in that manner . . . As much as I love people watching, I have no wish to make the people that I love uncomfortable on any level . . . so sometimes there are things I would like to discuss, and for which blogging seems like a perfect medium, which I pass on . . . just in case someone would be hurt, offended or feel exposed or uncomfortable . . .

To me, that is simply a part of being involved in a network of interwoven lives . . . in my neighborhood, at work, at church, and most particularly with people that I love dearly . . . my extended family. I may very well be able to see your flaws and inconsistencies and missteps . . . (that is the ROYAL 'you', not anyone in particular) but since I love you, that means that even so I am deeply protective of you . . . I have your back, in a very real sense . . . I think that is what being in a relationship (ANY relationship) means . . .

So there are things I will not discuss here . . . because of the love and respect I have for people who may either read it or hear about it second hand . . .

There are also some experiences . . . some feelings . . . some insights that are perhaps too . . . hmmmmmmm . . . too TENDER . . . for lack of a better word . . . to share here . . .

I am having a difficult time even putting this thought into words . . .

It isn't that I am so fragile that the possibility that someone might not agree with what I wrote would upset me . . . because it wouldn't. I am what I am, and my faith is a huge part of who I am. That was (and continues to be) a deliberate, carefully thought out CHOICE . . . I do not need someone else's agreement or support to validate my beliefs or feelings . . . I am simply not that fragile . . . I have no intention of living my life or choosing my beliefs by 'majority rule' . . .

Even so . . . the thought of sharing some really intimate feelings -- especially those involving my spirituality -- is daunting . . . on a level that I can't quite put my finger on . . .

Perhaps the best way to put it into words is to share an analogy . . .

You know how people love to visit and take pictures of Amish communities? I imagine that desire is based on curiosity and is rarely mean spirited at all . . . It is a chance to step outside the modern world for a moment with its busy deadlines and frantic activities and catch a glimpse of a gentler, simpler time . . . One could be genuinely charmed by their quaint customs and manner of dress and work without feeling the slightest twinge of amusement or criticism . . . but at the same time, the very act of thinking "awwwww . . . how quaint/sweet/charming/refreshing/whatever" means that the observer IS taking a step back and objectifying the watched . . . When we do that (and we all do it) it is very easy to lose sight of the fact that those are REAL people . . . with REAL dreams, REAL lives, REAL families, REAL feelings, REAL concerns . . . AND that their being there in that place and time involved a very real choice . . . simply reducing them to a quaint, charming tourist attraction IS on some level disrespectful, even if it is not meant to be so . . .

I guess I point out that example out as a way of acknowledging that sometimes my 'blogging block' is simply my growing awareness that perhaps there are some things which are too tender (again, for lack of a better word) to share in a blog and hold up to that kind of casual curiosity and scrutiny . . .

I just need to find a balance that I can be comfortable with . . .

AHEM . . . ANOTHER NEW LEAF . . .

Okay . . . I admit it . . .

I really suck at blogging . . .

I LOVE to write . . . and I have things I want to say or share . . . but even with all that going for me . . . I never seem to get it together enough to actually BLOG . . .

I just noticed that my last entry was an entire month ago . . . WOW . . . That is absolutely PATHETIC for someone who LIKES to write . . .

I intend to do better . . . I WILL do better . . .

Oh, not because anything I say here is IMPORTANT . . . simply because the exercise of writing and pinning down my thoughts with words is good discipline . . .

I am going to commit to writing every other day minimum . . . even if what I write is boring as all get out . . . I simply think that making a commitment will make it happen where vague protests that I INTEND to write never will . . .

I have no illusions that I am an interesting enough person to write deep, profound, insightful things every other day . . . but I AM a keen observer, and if nothing else I can share some of my observations about human nature or perhaps just MY all-too-human nature . . .

But write, I will . . .

I promise . . .