BABY STEPS . . .

I know that a lot of people think that making New Year's Resolutions is an exercise in frustration and failure . . . For ME, it always seems so . . . hopeful . . . even though I do not know if my track record is really any more successful than anybody else's.


A new year just seems like SUCH a blank slate . . . filled to brimming with endless possibilities . . . and I am SO far from being what and who I want to be . . . I can never resist making a list . . . a roadmap, I suppose, of how to get from where I am to where I want to be . . . or at least to start down that path . . .


Oh, my resolutions are never real grandiose . . . I tend to favor baby steps . . . and even those tend to hack away at root causes rather than simply the visible 'fruits' of the areas I want to see the most improvement . . . I may not be VISIBLY different by the end of the upcoming year . . . but I hope that starting from deep within, I AM making changes that will ultimately get me there . . .


So here we are on the cusp of 2010 . . . WOW . . . remember when the Y2K 'scare' was on everybody's mind? Our world of technology was going to come crashing down around our ears . . . and yet, here we are a DECADE later . . . and somehow the earth has kept spinning . . . our computers all have kept working . . . life has continued . . .


There have been a couple of times in my life where I felt like *I* was going to come crashing down . . . where I had reached a point of some kind that *I* would not be able to get past, personally, and yet, somehow I did. I always did. Some years have brought devastating, disappointing changes . . . Other people's choices have, on occasion, backed me into a corner that I did not wish to be in . . . and I saw no way to work through to get to where I wanted and hoped to be . . . but each of those years passed, too . . . like all the rest . . .


The inevitable -- sometimes rather depressing -- truth is that NOTHING that can happen TO us in life is fatal . . . EVERYTHING can be worked through and built upon . . . At times that truth has felt kind of depressing, to be honest . . . and yet, that does not make it any less true . . . Like a wildfire sweeping through a forest, new life CAN be built on the ashes of all the destroyed trees . . . even though it may take time . . . and the tender shoots of new life may not be visible immediately . . . with patience, and hope, and time . . . great beauty will again be possible . . . and perhaps the forest will even regrow healthier and more beautiful than before . . . The birds will return . . . animals will, as well . . .


So . . . I do not find the opportunity to reflect back on the past year -- even horrible, difficult, excruciating years that have left me whimpering and devastated -- to see what can be gleaned from those life experiences, and how that can be built on in the year ahead, to be a depressing, futile exercise at all . . . I like moments of self reflection like that . . . because it forces me to be brutally honest with myself about my own role in those experiences . . . what I might have done differently . . . what I have learned from them . . . how I can heal and grow from them so they are not repeated as a pattern in the future . . . and to me, the very worst, most destructive lies of all are those we tell ourselves . . . refusing to face up to our own selfishness . . . our own poor choices . . . preferring to picture ourselves as the helpless victim, when uncomfortable truths need to be faced squarely . . .


I am well aware that I am far from being any kind of a 'finished' product . . . which in and of itself is a little depressing. Years ago, looking forward, I certainly PLANNED to be more 'complete' by this point in my life than I have turned out to be. Who knew that you could be OLD and still be plugging away at weeding out weaknesses (actually, I have a much clearer view now of just how MANY weaknesses I have than I ever did before) . . . dealing with insecurities . . . striving to do better, to BE better . . . more honest . . . more compassionate . . . less self centered . . . more loving . . . more who I truly want to be . . .


And for that reason . . . I am, once again, making New Year's Resolutions . . . NOT to heap guilt on myself . . . Oh, good heavens NO . . . but because this exercise feels very hopeful and positive to me . . . I do not believe that God is finished with me yet, and neither am I . . . so here are my resolutions for 2010 . . .


1. I will get some form of exercise every single day . . . I hope to work back up to walking for an hour a day, but even on the days when that doesn't happen, I will work in time to go for a walk with grandkids . . . to park at the far end of the parking lot . . . to run up and down the stairs extra times every day . . . I will be on the lookout for times and places to be more active every single day . . .


2. I will not keep ANY snack food of ANY kind anywhere near my desk . . . not even healthy whole wheat bagels for the days I have to rush off somewhere without taking time for breakfast . . . if I am genuinely hungry, I will go downstairs and actually fix myself something to eat, or grab a fruit or vegetable to munch on . . .


3. Every single day, I will find something to be grateful for . . . I know that the Lord has abundantly blessed me . . . I KNOW that . . . but taking the time to consciously NOTICE even the tiniest of blessings is good for my heart and soul, and helps me to be less caught up in the dramas of the day and more focused on the perspective of eternity . . . Taking the time to truly 'stop and smell the roses' will deeply enrich my life every single day . . .


4. Every single day, I look for an opportunity to be unselfish. We humans tend to have a white knuckled grip on our innate selfishness . . . and I want to deliberately begin to step away from that . . . It can be something as tiny and seemingly insignificant as slowing to let someone into the flow of traffic, even if I am in a hurry and I am feeling like my time is very valuable . . . or allowing someone with only a few items go ahead of me in a check out line . . . or something big and inconvenient . . . I am sure that the year ahead will provide me with ample opportunity to experience all different kinds of service . . . and I will do a better job of seeking those out, instead of occasionally having one fall into my lap . . .


5. I will try harder to treat every single person I come in contact with with kindness and respect. I know that there are many people who are selfish and even evil . . . but I don't get to make their choices for them . . . I am only responsible for MY choices . . . and my choice is to assume the best about people, and treat them with dignity and kindness . . . even if they don't notice or care or don't seem to deserve it. I will try my hardest to find things to love about people, especially those whose paths cross mine on a regular basis.


6. I will be less resistant to saying "I am sorry" . . . and meaning it. I will not let my pride keep me from mending fences and reaching out to people and acknowledging that I have been careless and judgmental and self-absorbed . . . I will notice the ways in which my choices and actions impact and hurt the people around me and take responsibility for that . . .


I know these may not seem to be very meaningful New Year's Resolutions . . . but after looking back at the past year, these seem like the changes that will most impact my life in positive, healthy, helpful ways . . .


And even baby steps can help one make progress . . . which is what matters to me most of all . . .

HAPPY 2010 everybody!!!

I hope this upcoming year brings each of each of YOU good health, happiness, opportunities to stretch and grow (even when that process is scary and uncomfortable), and a heightened sense of the Lord's hand in the happenings of your life . . .

O HOLY NIGHT . . .

I know that some of you who stop by to read my blog may want to skip this entry . . . I do not mind that at all. I have friends of all different faiths . . . and some who are pretty anti-religion, period. I am okay with that. I am comfortable with letting people feel their own way towards their own faith or personal belief system . . . and I feel no need to stuff mine down anyone's throat . . .


But that does not mean that my faith is not a huge and critically important part of me . . . because it IS. It is every bit as crucial a part of me as my warped sense of humor . . . my enjoyment of playful silliness . . . my love of people . . . and my insatiable thirst for knowledge and for better understanding the world (and people) around me . . .


I am, by faith, a Mormon . . . a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints . . . That has played a HUGE role in shaping who I am, and what I believe, and what is important to me. I am aware that that fact causes some to dismiss me as not being a "real" Christian . . . but my Savior means everything to me . . . and as poor an example as I am, I still try every single day to love the people around me like He does . . . and to treat the people with whom I interact with dignity, respect, compassion, and kindness as a reflection of the love I know that He has for each of them, whether they believe in Him or not . . .


So of course, the story of the Savior's birth plays a huge role in my holiday celebration. Oh, I love the Santa part, too . . . I love singing along (badly) to Christmas carols . . . picking out, then wrapping and giving gifts that I have spent a lot of time over, hoping to light up the eyes of family members and friends, and let them know how much they mean to me . . . I love holiday baking, and sharing the results with family and friends . . . I love the sparkling lights and holiday decorations that make my home look festive and welcoming . . .I love all the traditions and activities that go along with celebrating, but NONE of that matters as much to me as the celebration deep in my heart of the birth of a tiny infant boy that would change the world . . . who would change MY world . . . with his simple message of peace and comfort and love and HOPE . . .


One of my favorite traditions surrounding the holidays is one that began sort of by accident about fifteen years ago. I had just read the story of a family who prepared for the coming birth of the Christ child by filling up the manger, straw by straw, with acts of kindness and service, until on Christmas Eve, the manger was soft and padded and ready to welcome the baby Jesus. It was a very sweet story, but what struck me most about it was the realization that it really IS our personal actions and service and kindnesses that 'prepare' a place for the Savior deep in each of our hearts . . .


As that thought sunk deep into MY heart . . . I gave a lot of thought as to how well my words . . . my actions . . . my deeds . . . my choices . . . reflected my love for AND my commitment to live like the Savior . . . with family members . . . extended family members . . . friends . . . neighbors . . . co workers . . . as well as the myriad of total strangers whose paths crossed mine only briefly . . .


I could clearly see that I had MUCH room for improvement . . . I could remember all too well the times I was impatient with my children . . . the words I had said in frustration to my husband . . . the things I muttered under my breath about coworkers and all the other people I interacted with each day . . . the times I was impatient or unthinkingly rude with a stranger, because he or she 'didn't matter' . . . the many times I didn't bother to see the people around me as living, breathing, valuable human beings . . . with sorrows and triumphs and heartaches and feelings . . . instead, only viewing them by how they impacted my life . . .


And so that night, I decided that every year, along with the gifts that I painstakingly selected and wrapped with care for family and friends, that I would make a real effort to ensure that I also gave a gift to my Savior . . . one selected with the same thought and soul searching effort . . . and most of all, one that I could not give without a very real cost . . . It had to be a gift for my Savior that somehow STRETCHED me in the giving of it . . .


This is a very personal tradition . . . I do not write my gift down . . . I do not tell anyone about it . . . It is simply between me and the Lord . . . and my choice can be anything . . . anything at all . . . anything that prayerfully sticks out in my mind as an area in need of improvement . . .


One year, I realized that my relationship with one of my sons had fallen into a pattern of miscommunication that caused a lot of frustration and contention and unpleasantness and hurt feelings between the two of us . . . I KNEW that I loved this son with all my heart, and that I would do ANYTHING for him . . . but I wasn't at all sure that THAT message got through to him very well with all of my fault finding and criticisms . . . and so, that year, I decided that THAT would be my gift to my Savior . . . That I would concentrate my efforts on simply loving that son, and not criticize him . . . at all . . .


At ALL . . .


THAT would be my gift to the Savior . . .


It was not easy . . . and I did it nowhere near perfectly . . . Still, I honestly committed myself to continuing to try, and every time I messed up, I apologized, recommitted myself to working on it . . . and tried harder . . . I freely admit I messed up a LOT . . . but less and less as the year wore on, and I recommitted myself the task, over and over again.


That year was a significant turning point in my relationship with that son. Oh, he didn't immediately stop doing those things I had found so irritating and unproductive . . . In fact, he continues to do many of them still. What DID change, however, was my letting those things get in the way of my love for him . . . my belief in him . . . my knowledge that he was amazing and bright and talented . . . I simply learned better how to love him anyways . . .


Through that experience, I not only gained a deeper appreciation of what an incredible young man my son was blossoming into . . . but I also gained a keener awareness of the fact that that was exactly what my Savior did with ME . . . even knowing my weaknesses and short comings and flaws and mistakes . . . that He loves me anyways, with all His heart, and keeps gently inviting me to grow beyond where I am to where I COULD be . . . where I NEED to be . . .


Other years I have chosen other things . . . but each year my gift to my Savior has been a meaningful journey towards both greater self understanding AND a greater awareness and appreciation of my Savior. This very personal tradition has become an incredibly precious, sacred gift to ME . . .


I know that not everyone is religious . . . that spirituality is not a priority for all . . . but I wanted to take a moment this holiday season to share something very personal and meaningful about my own Christmas celebration . . .


Because in this blog, I try very hard to share who I am . . .


And this IS me . . .