HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY . . . GOD BLESS US, EVERY ONE . . .

I don't have a photo on my mother on my computer, or I would have posted one here . . .

In another day or so it will be Mother's Day . . . at least here in the United States. I know that Mother's Day is hard for many women . . . hard for women who were never able to have children (and wanted them) . . . hard for women who had dysfunctional mothers who left scars, either emotionally or even physically . . . hard for women who look back over their lives and realize that they made some very poor choices that their children have had to or still may have to pay a big price for . . . hard for women who do not value motherhood for a variety of reasons . . . hard for women who feel like even though they TRY they do not measure up to some ideal mother they imagined they would be or wished they could be or wished they could have had . . .

Yeah . . . basically, I think mother's day is a hard day for a lot of women . . . perhaps ALL women. I have a friend who used to work in retail for decades, who said she would rather work BOTH Black Friday (day after Thanksgiving) AND the day after Christmas than work on Mother's Day . . . She said she absolutely HATED working that day, more than any other because the store was filled with men and adult children, looking desperately for a last minute gift that would be 'good' enough for a wife or mom . . . and women who were frustrated and disappointed and upset with what their families did (or failed to do) to 'honor' them on this special day . . .

I am not one of those who hates Mother's Day, personally . . . despite my own imperfections as a mother (and they are many), and the sometimes flawed and disappointing ways in which my husband and children 'thank' me for all I have done . . . I have learned to LOVE Mother's Day.

I used to feel sad and dissatisfied on Mother's Day until one day maybe twenty years ago I realized that part of what I was feeling was remembering that my own mother had been sad and disappointed on Mother's day. I decided that day that that sadness was NOT a legacy I wished to pass along to my own children. So I totally changed my attitude . . . Mother's day was no longer about what gifts I received or who made what for dinner . . . It was a day in which I simply celebrated how much I loved BEING a mother . . .

That was a real turning point for me . . . Even if I got flowers bought at a grocery store late Saturday night and a card my husband forgot to sign (and that was only on occasion . . . he also did some AMAZING, breathtakingly thoughtful gifts like the time he got our kids -- ages about four to fourteen -- out of bed at midnight Saturday night after I had gone to sleep and they spent FOUR HOURS in the middle of the night weeding , mulching , nourishing, and planting these big flower beds we had along the house in our front hard and then got up early the next morning to present me with dirty gloves and a mud-caked trowel . . . I was SO overwhelmed and touched that they thought of it and were willing to do that). . .

So even if I had to cook my own Mother's day dinner (we don't go to stores or restaurants on the Sabbath) . . . even if my kids chose that day to whine and fight and argue endlessly . . . It didn't matter, I didn't wait for THEM to make me happy . . . for THEM to make me feel like all the sacrifices and 24/7ishness of motherhood was worth it . . .

Nope, I wanted them to remember me HAPPY on Mother's day . . . So I was. And for ME, the way to do that was simply to make it a day on which I celebrated how very grateful I am for the opportunity I have had to bear and raise and nurture my five AMAZING, challenging, incredible children . . .

I have absolutely LOVED being a mom . . . and now a gramma . . . Oh, I don't delude myself that I have done any of it perfectly . . . and when I remember the times I was too tired to listen to a child who had something they wanted to share or turned away from a sticky hug because I was dressed up and ready to go out or lost it with a surly teenager when something deep inside of me was telling me they needed a hug . . . When I remember those times, my heart just aches . . . and I wish life had a replay button so I could rewind things and go back to just THAT moment and do better . . .

But I cannot . . . I cannot go back and erase those missteps and mistakes, no matter how badly I would like to . . . anymore than anyone else can. All I can do, is learn from those times and move on and try to do better . . . I have not been a perfect mother . . . even though I have honestly tried to do my prayerful, loving best . . . I am not at all sure that ultimately that my 'best' will be enough to give my children the stability, the skills, the grounding they will need as they navigate the rapids of their own lives . . . but I DO know that it was a priority for me and that I TRULY tried . . . and I pray that ultimately that will be enough . . .

Oh, how I hope so . . . I really REALLY hope so . . .

Also on this day, I remember MY mom. I cannot even find the words to express how beyond grateful I am for my own mother . . . She died sixteen years ago, and I still miss her every day. I hope with all my heart that I told her often enough how much I loved and respected and admired her . . . I hope she knows how often I remember things she said (or didn't say when I knew she was dying to) . . . how much I cherish that she believed in me, no matter what . . . and that even when my choices or actions disappointed her, that she KNEW that I was capable of better . . .

I am grateful for the memories I have of laughing with her, my sisters and I piled on her bed, laughing so hard we could hardly breathe, when I knew even then, that she REALLY wanted to go to sleep because she got up at 4 am to help my brother with his paper route . . . She was a very intelligent, well read woman, yet she could still laugh and be silly and enjoy the antics of seven active, creative, imaginative children . . .

I have no doubt that my own strong faith was nurtured by hers . . . and I treasure the memories I have of walking into her room late and night and finding her either kneeling at the side of her bed, deep in her personal communications with the Lord or sitting there, propped up with pillows with an open book of scriptures in her lap . . . I no longer remember all the WORDS with which she shared her deep love of the Lord and faith in His dealings except in snippets . . . but I will never forget the powerful witness -- throughout my whole life -- of how SHE found strength and comfort and hope by turning to Him on a daily and regular basis . . .

I miss you so much, Mom . . . and I wish with all my heart I could give you one more big bear hug and tell you how very much I love you . . . and that I will be ETERNALLY grateful for the opportunity to have been nurtured by a woman like you . . .

Happy Mothers Day . . . to all us imperfect, flawed, unfinished products who are daily trying to do our best to love and nurture and teach and encourage our children -- whatever their ages or circumstances -- to be their BEST selves . . .

SEW BUSY . . .

Life has been SOOOOOOOOOOO busy . . . MAN . . .

I keep thinking things will settle down, and they just don't . . .


I am just so SEW busy . . .



Life is good . . .

HOW DO I LOVE THEE . . .

I have been married a long time . . . a REALLY long time . . . Half of forever, as near as I can calculate . . . My marriage is a pretty good one, though by no means perfect. Our marriage is no more perfect than either of us are . . . and that is not very perfect at all . . . We step on each other's toes (metaphorically speaking) on a regular basis . . . We drive each other crazy . . . irritate one another to death . . . and yet we stay together . . . and somehow, despite all our struggles and shortcomings, our marriage works well on a whole lot of levels . . .

I know that doesn't sound very romantic . . . but we are not young, starry-eyed lovers who think we would die if forced to separate . . . We know and appreciate each other's strengths, AND we know and tolerate (for the most part) one another's flaws and quirks and weaknesses . . .

I guess I simply don't want to give the wrong impression here . . . Despite our struggles, we have a good marriage . . . It is more than simply comfortable . . . it is . . . peaceful . . .

That has not always been true, but it IS true, now . . .

And so, in honor of Valentine's Day . . . I want to mention some of the things that I have come to love about my husband and our relationship . . .

I love that our marriage IS so comfortable . . . We know one another VERY well -- metaphorical warts and all . . . and I know that my secrets are safe with you, as yours are with me . . .

I love that you try very hard to listen to me . . . even when you are upset . . . even when you vehemently disagree . . . even when you are POSITIVE I am wrong . . . You genuinely TRY to 'hear' my point of view . . .

I love that you make me laugh . . . sometimes with your wit . . . sometimes with your silliness . . . sometimes just because you like to see me smile . . .

I love that when I look into your eyes, I can SEE that YOU can still see the hottie you married SO long ago . . .

I love that when we walk into a room together you always put your hand at the small of my back . . . I cannot even begin to express how cherished and protected that makes me feel . . .

I love that I know how to light up your eyes . . . That we know one another so well, that I know what dinners will elicit a HUGE ear-to-ear grin . . . What naughty suggestions whispered in your ear will get your motor purring . . . That I know how to buoy you up when you are feeling overwhelmed and discouraged . . . I LOVE that I can still do those things for you . . .

I love that you believe in me . . . That you feel lucky and honored to be my husband and tell me so frequently . . . One night -- years ago, in the midst of a really difficult, painful stretch -- I will NEVER forget your turning to me and whispering, "I know that you are the very best thing that has ever happened to me" . . . To say something like that when things are going WELL would be a sweet compliment . . . To be able to say it when things were NOT going at ALL well, touched my heart beyond measure . . .

I love that when you see me for the first time . . . coming through the door after work . . . when you are at an airport (either arriving or picking me up), scanning the crowds for my face . . . or even in the halls at church when you come upon me unexpectedly, that you visibly light up . . . You are genuinely glad to see me . . . Every SINGLE time . . .

I love that once, years ago, when a significant earthquake awoke us both in the middle of the night after a particularly nasty fight -- one that really made me wonder if we would or even could stay together afterwards -- despite the recent ugliness, your first impulse was to reach out and grab my hand . . . That unconscious gesture gave me hope that we COULD, indeed, work through things . . . and we did . . .

I love that you are willing to tolerate the things I am interested in, even if they are not the same things you are interested in . . . We do not have a lot of shared hobbies, and never have . . . I love to walk, you love to plop down and watch TV . . . I like to socialize, you would rather interact with NOBODY other than family and extended family . . . We both love to read, but WHAT we read varies significantly . . . You love the latest and greatest gadgets and gizmos, and I am a technophobe . . . I love to try to eat healthy and you hate all vegetables (except raw carrots, corn on the cob and iceberg lettuce, sparingly) . . .

I love that despite the many compromises we have negotiated over the years, that we have not had to give up being ourselves to be a couple . . . even though I know you have really struggled with this one . . .

I love that you wholeheartedly adore our five children, their spouses and significant others and our grandchildren . . . I have no doubt that you would do anything in your power to be there for them in any way they needed . . .

I love that you love the Lord . . . You and I do not always see eye-to-eye on our shared faith . . . but even so, I have no doubt that you love the Lord . . . and I appreciate that, more than you know . . .

I love that our relationship -- even after all these years, and all the things we have faced together -- is multifaceted . . . That we can laugh together . . . cry together . . . pray together . . . be playful together . . . be passionate together . . . share ideas together . . . even disagree without being disagreeable . . .

I love that throughout our marriage, through all the ups and downs we have experienced, you have KEPT coming home to me . . . even when things weren't so good . . . even during the rough stretches . . . even when things seemed pretty bleak . . . THANK YOU for that . . .

I love that above all else, we are FRIENDS . . . and I know that you have my back, as I have yours . . .

Money is tight this year, and I am not sure what else I will be able to do for you for Valentine’s Day but I just wanted to make sure to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day, honey . . . because you ARE my Valentine . . .

CONFESSIONS OF A BLOG-HOPPER . . .

I haven't been on here in forever . . . Funny, huh? You would think that with my new status of 'unemployed' that I would have more time for reading and writing blogs . . . I DO love to write, after all . . . and yet I don't . . .

Maybe I just don't feel like I have anything blog worthy to say . . . Though, let's face it, that has never stopped me before . . . ;o)

Not sure what is going on . . . Perhaps it is simply that I am not very good at transitions in life . . . switching gears from one thing to another is difficult for me, and I don't really like to open up when life is a struggle . . .

However, I DO miss blogging . . . and I miss reading blogs . . . I have decided that I am a dedicated blog hopper . . . LOL . . . I read the blogs of friends and family and extended family members . . . and I also enjoy reading the blogs of total strangers. At least sometimes I do . . .

I really do find people absolutely fascinating . . . and since I am the world's WORST photographer (the ones I take are ALWAYS blurry . . . ALWAYS) I might enjoy looking at other people's photographs, but the blogs I love to read most of all are ones where people open up and share . . . so I feel like I get a feel for the writer . . . and even if I never stop back by (blog hopping is by nature pretty random . . . if there is a way to 'note' certain blogs and stop back by, I am unaware of what it is or how to do it) I feel like I have seen a glimpse of the person behind the blog . . . and that my life is richer for that brief connection.

Oh, not ALL blogs are interesting . . . (Sorry, but that IS true) . . . The blogs that are cut and pasted email forwards don't really interest me . . . neither do the ones that are simply quotes . . . I can read scriptures and great writers on my own. I don't mind a quote (of any kind) when the person goes on to explain why that is significant to them . . . what life experiences drove that particular insight or point home . . . etc . . . but when all someone does is copy and paste someone else's words . . . That doesn't particularly interest me . . . I mean, no offense . . . that may be exactly what someone else LOVES to read and more power to them . . .

As for me . . . I like getting to know people . . . finding out how they feel about life and life's experiences . . . what they are learning in their journeys . . . the brief chance to view life through the window of THEIR eyes . . . I LOVE that . . .

Today I was blog hopping . . . I am not sure whose blog I ended up on, or if I will ever find it again . . . but a woman shared (on her anniversary) how her husband had proposed to her . . . He planned out their whole day together, starting by coming over early that morning to make breakfast for her to surprise her . . . then they went to church, and shared the special peace one can find at there together . . . Then they went to an art museum (she apparently LOVES art museums) . . . and then they shared a picnic feast that he had prepared in the park . . . and somewhere along the line he popped the question, asking her to be his wife . . .

I do not know these people . . . I have NO idea who they are. I could pass them several times a day (or live next door to them) and never know it . . . all I have is this one visit to her blog where she shared this special memory, from somewhere down the road. And yet, that one little peek into her heart, truly warmed mine. I don't even know how old she is . . . I just know that she loves her husband, and that together they have built a beautiful family of three, soon-to-be-four, precious children. The love that this family -- random strangers whose path I may never cross again -- shares was SO sweet and SO strong . . . I could feel it through every sentence she wrote about her sweetheart and his creative thoughtfulness . . .

Reading what she wrote today left me smiling . . . and made me want to go hug MY sweetheart . . . What a lucky woman *I* am to have a husband who STILL treats me tenderly and lovingly and still loves to have me by his side . . . through ALL of life's ups and downs . . .

Thank you, perfect stranger, for sharing this little bit of sweetness and warmth today . . . It went straight from YOUR heart to MINE . . . and made my world a little brighter for the sharing . . .

AND SO IT BEGINS . . .

Well . . . I am done dragging my feet (actually, I WAS busy through the holidays and then undecorating my home and getting everything clean and put back together, so I wasn't JUST dragging my feet, but I kind of was . . . a little) . . .

LOL . . . uh oh . . .

I know THAT made no sense, which bodes ill for a writer, you know?

BUT . . . I finally printed out a copy of the story I wrote last November for NaNoWriMo and have begun reading it from beginning to end (for the very first time) . . . making little notes (like 'this need more development' or 'show, don't tell') and some minor rewording and revising . . .

I am about two thirds of the way through it, and honestly (is this terrible to say?) I am actually kind of pleasantly surprised . . . I mean, I WROTE it, so of course there are no surprises in the storyline . . . but I AM kind of pleased, overall, with my efforts. I mean, there are parts that DO flow well, and it DOES hang together as a story . . .

It isn't an IMPORTANT story . . . no vampires or aliens or shape shifters or fairies . . . It isn't about anything really BIG . . . It is just a quiet little slice-of-life story . . . about growing up . . . and changing family dynamics . . . the ebb and flow of friendships . . . coming to terms with changes . . . It isn't very EXCITING . . . but I wasn't trying to write an exciting story . . . I wanted it to be quiet and simple and to feel . . . hmmmm . . . authentic, I guess . . .

And I kind of, sort of thinks parts of it DO . . .



I think that just maybe it is worth continuing to work on and revise and polish . . .



So . . .




I will! =o)