SMELLS LIKE HEAVEN . . .

My house smells SOOOoooOOOOO good right now!

I woke up this morning with the STRONGEST desire to bake bread . . . Just out of the blue . . . I did not let the fact that it is AUGUST . . . or that I live in the DESERT . . . or that we are in the midst of a HEAT WAVE deter me . . . I wanted to bake bread, so I DID . . .

I used to make it all the time . . . at least once a week, sometimes more often. I had a big family of five children (four of those boys) and it was a good way to fill up hollow legs and not break the bank on groceries. Now my house is emptier, and my recipe still makes five large loaves . . . but I still just wanted to make it . . .

I wanted to sift the ingredients together . . . I wanted to watch the yeast concoction begin bubbling . . . I wanted to knead the dough and then shape it into loaves . . . I wanted the ENTIRE experience, not just the yummy end result . . .

I am not sure why, exactly, but baking homemade bread from scratch is a SOUL satisfying experience, from start to finish. It goes WAY beyond simply making my house smell delicious or provide food for my family and friends . . . I think it makes me feel connected on some deep spiritual level with my mother whom I absolutely adored (who baked bread) and her mom (whom I also adored and who also baked bread) and my pioneer ancestors (who also baked bread) . . .

Baking like this makes me feel . . . very feminine and womanly and homemakerish . . . WAY out of proportion to the effort involved or the yumminess of the bread itself. I mean, there is nothing about making bread that a man couldn't do, so I don't know why it makes me feel SO feminine, but it absolutely does, in the same way that sewing does, or cleaning my house til it GLOWS does. LOL . . . I know MANY women who have no interest in making bread OR sewing OR house cleaning . . . but even though those are not my favorite activities (except maybe sewing) I DO love how I feel while I am doing them . . .

Oh yeah . . . and I LOVE that when I bake bread, my house smells JUST like heaven . . . (I am SURE of it!) =o)

AUDIENCE OF SELF . . .

I was watching a show this weekend, something we had tivo'd, and it had this quote on the voiceover which really stuck in my mind. I don't even remember what show it was, though it might have been Criminal Minds which often ends with a quotation . . . Anyhow, wherever I heard it, the quote went something like "It is better to write for an audience of self and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self" . . . HMMMM . . . That is not quite right, but it was something like that . . .

It struck me as pretty profound . . . AND it also reiterated what -- for ME -- is the vital part of blogging. I have read quite a few blogs over the years . . . Sometimes I blog hop and just read the blogs of total strangers . . . I read them to see things from others points of view and perspectives . . . to sample writing styles . . . to see the world -- at least temporarily -- through the spectacles of someone else's life experiences . . .

It is a very interesting experience . . . and sometimes I laugh out loud . . . sometimes I find what I read to be disturbing or offensive . . . sometimes I learn things . . . sometimes I am entertained . . . sometimes I am impressed . . . sometimes I am deeply touched . . . sometimes I am in awe of someone's ability to skewer a particular feeling or experience SO perfectly that it absolutely takes my breath away . . .

Words are (or can be) POWERFUL . . . and the written word is (or can be) an incredibly powerful medium . . .

Still, for ME . . . when I try to do anything other than simply capture my life experiences, my thoughts, my feelings as accurately and authentically as I can . . . I get kind of an awkward stupor of thought and I get all bogged down . . . It simply sucks all the satisfaction and joy of writing out of the experience. I have no idea WHY it is like that for me . . .

I mean, I am at least an adequate writer . . . I know where to put the commas . . . I know how to transition between paragraphs and ideas . . . I know one needs a topic sentence . . . etc . . . I know the mechanics of writing fairly well (and yes, I even know that I use -- when blogging -- WAY too many ellipsis . . . so bite me) =oP

I can, in other forums, write in a way that is at least mildly entertaining . . . and yet with BLOGGING . . . I get a very distinctive writer's block if I try too hard to write TO an audience . . . I thoroughly enjoy reading blogs that are funny or informative or persuasive (well . . . sometimes . . . if the person is too heavy handed with their 'persuasions' I am left cold) . . . I enjoy blogs that are written from MANY motivations . . . but if *I* try to write (again, this only applies to BLOGGING) for any other reason that to simply try my inadequate best to share my feelings and perceptions and observations and life experiences as authentically as possible, *I* get tongue tied and the writing becomes a total CHORE . . . It absolutely sucks ALL the satisfaction and fun, even joy, out of the experience . . .

So . . . I think I am beginning to truly understand that I blog for ME . . . for my audience of 'self' . . . and I am okay with that . . .

PRAYERFULLY YOURS . . .

I know that not everyone ascribes to a faith . . .

Many of my friends have a variety of belief systems, and some have none at all . . . But since this is MY blog . . . and I have it to share what is in MY head and heart . . . sometimes I choose to talk about some aspect of my faith . . .

I am a Mormon . . . a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My faith is a huge part of who and what I am, and I am grateful for what my beliefs add to my life, my family relationships, my dreams, my hopes and even my struggles . . .

One of the key elements of my faith is that I believe with all my heart that there IS, indeed, a God and that He is my Heavenly Father . . . that He loves me and that He has a plan for my life, and for the lives of those I love (and even for the lives of those I am annoyed by, to be honest).

My life is not perfect . . . no more perfect than anybody else's . . . and I struggle at times to make sense of the world and the events that transpire around me. My heart aches for the unanswered questions . . . the things that don't seem to make sense . . . the times that bad things -- sometimes very bad things -- happen to good people . . . especially if they happen to good people that I care about.

And happen, they do . . .

Anyone who thinks that only good things should (or will) happen to good people who are simply trying to live their lives and not harm anyone . . . and that bad things should (or will) only happen to bad, selfish, calloused people is either very young or refuses to face reality . . . The fact is that ALL of us -- good AND bad -- have triumphs and joys and accomplishments AND heartaches and setbacks and sorrows . . .

So looking around to see who 'deserves' what is going on is bound to be an exercise in frustration and bafflement, and often outright pain . . .

I mean, lets face it . . . EACH of us is imperfect enough and has said and/or done enough stupid, shortsighted, hurtful things that if someone is looking for a 'reason' for bad things happening, there is going to be PLENTY of ammunition to pin it on . . . But those moments of 'ohhhhh . . . THAT is why this is happening to her/him/them' only serve to deepen one's pain when very bad things happen to YOU . . . things you don't feel like you deserve and which are absolutely devastating . . .

I think that the truth is that while some of what we struggle with may very well be natural consequences of our choices and priorities (IE, if I spend money I do not have, I WILL have to deal with bounced checks and/or angry creditors . . . if I treat family members with disrespect and disregard their feelings, I WILL have to deal with growing feelings of dissatisfaction and unrest in my home). . . but beyond that, I suspect that MOST of what happens to us is simply LIFE . . . Our mortal experiences are filled with other imperfect human beings who can be selfish and hurtful . . . random life experiences that often seem to happen at the WORST possible moments . . . setbacks and disappointments that are devastating. I, personally, do not believe that God orchestrates it all . . . sends bad experiences to everybody who displeases Him and good to those who do . . .

Oh, I DO believe that blessings come from obedience . . . I absolutely believe that. However, I think that with our limited, mortal points of view, that many of what we tend to view as 'good' things are, in fact, some of our most difficult trials . . . and what we tend to view as 'bad' are some of our greatest blessings . . .

Let me explain . . . Perhaps because I am older, I have seen MANY examples of happenings/events that were welcomed excitedly with open arms . . . new opportunities, lucrative 'rewards', which ultimately led people and families to fracture and crumble . . . One easy example of this is the lottery (something which because of my belief system, I have never even played). To someone who struggles to pay their bills each month . . . winning the lottery seems like SUCH a blessing . . . a dream come true, for sure! Who among us has NEVER pondered what they would do with huge winnings like those offered?!? Bills paid, dream homes built, no financial worries at ALL . . . And yet, historically, those who DO win those kinds of things, often find themselves -- not all that far down the road -- not only in WORSE financial shape, but also admit that it was the catalyst that ended up destroying their families. I am intrigued by the number of people who end up admitting that they would give anything to have their old lives back, problems and all, when it is way too late for a 'do over' . . .

In much the same way, I have also lived long enough to see that many of what we quickly label as 'trials' to be blessings in disguise. Financial setbacks . . . job losses or changes . . . troubling health issues . . . EASILY labeled as horrible, awful things, and yet the growth that comes from facing, dealing with, working through and overcoming those 'opportunities' ends up being something that is life changing in almost miraculous ways . . . opening new doors, new awarenesses, new levels of compassion one never even knew existed . . .

Still . . . despite that, we (and that includes ME) DO tend to struggle at crossroads which are not of our own choosing . . . We are resistant to being invited to grow in new ways, learn new things, step out of our comfort zones . . . and this is as true of ME as anyone else . . .

So . . . here we stand at a crossroads . . . One which is overwhelming and scary and potentially devastating . . .

I freely admit that I am afraid . . . and yet . . .

I know -- with everything in me -- that we are not facing it alone . . . I know that the Lord is mindful of us . . . I know that He will walk through this journey with us . . . AND I know that we can trust Him . . .

I also know -- with all my heart -- that whatever happens, will ultimately be okay . . . even if getting there takes us through some thorny paths . . .



Today I am fasting for him . . . for me . . . for US . . . That we can pull together through this scary trial . . . That we will be able to feel the guidance of the Lord through the current and upcoming events, whatever they may be . . . That we wont waver from the path we have carefully and prayerfully chosen, and which we KNOW is right . . .

And that through it all . . . We will be able to feel HOPE . . . and not give in to despair . . .


Because, bottom line . . . isn't THAT what faith is all about?