Today was windy . . . I absolutely LOVE windy days . . . especially when they are like today and a little gray . . . a little on the cool side . . . THIS feels wintery to me . . . and I love it . . .
I have been thinking about this blog lately . . . I started it back in like May of last year, and my purpose at that time was to use it as an exercise in writing (because I love to write and try to capture the essence of my thoughts and experiences with just the right words) . . . AND to give my family a chance to KNOW me . . . to know me as ME . . . not just as a mom or a wife or a mother-in-law . . .
LOL . . . as usual, my timing stunk, and shortly after I started this blog some really heartbreaking, life changing events took place that made blogging a lot trickier . . . a lot more sensitive . . . and a lot more difficult . . .
There were feelings and issues that it might have been cathartic to work through in a forum like this . . . MIGHT HAVE BEEN being the key phrase, because I did not . . . I tried very hard to be respectful of everyone's privacy, and to not take sides, not do ANYTHING to stir up any trouble or cause any backlash at all . . . I had no desire to add to anyone's pain or embarrassment or burdens . . . and I loved ALL the people involved . . . In fact, I still do . . .
ALL of them . . .
I was wondering the other day, why I haven't used this more . . . I really DO love writing and the crafting of words . . . I had a really hard time deciding whether to be an art major or an english major, and ultimately the thing that decided me was that of the two, I love writing even more than I love drawing or painting . . . I love BOTH . . . but writing is an even more satisfying outlet . . . sort of a delicious agony that if I have an addiction in this life, it IS writing . . . but I haven't written much here, because there was way too much that I COULDN'T say . . . so I said almost nothing at all . . .
So . . . here we are at the beginning of a new year, and I want to write more . . . to use this as a vehicle of self expression. I STILL have no desire to cause problems, hurt feelings or add to burdens . . . that simply isn't ME . . . If I EVER do any of those things, it is absolutely unintentional, because I have never been one that got any kind of pleasure out of other people's pain . . . but I AM going to write here . . . and if you choose not to read it, that wont hurt my feelings (LOL . . . I wont even KNOW) . . . I just need this as an outlet . . .
I don't use family names or post family pictures . . . I know many of you do, but I am simply not comfortable with that online. It isn't that I am ashamed of ANY of you . . . because I am definitely NOT . . . I am simply more private than that, and I hope that you will respect that.
So here we are . . .
2010 stretches out ahead of me like an adventure, and I am excited about the new year and all the possibilities . . .
A precious new grandson will be born in a few short weeks . . . I am always blown away by JUST how incredibly special and sacred an opportunity it is at the birth of each new baby, to welcome a new, already-greatly-loved extended family member to our 'tribe' . . . I can hardly wait to watch them blossom and grow into the man or woman they are to be . . . watch their sense of humor develope . . . their talents and gifts . . . to get to know them . . . spend time cuddling and rocking and singing and/or reading to them . . . Being a mom was an incredible adventure that made me come alive in a way that nothing before ever had . . . and being a GRAMMA is a hundred times better than that . . .
This summer I am thinking I will do something that I haven't done in forever . . . It feels like much of my life is spent being at the beck and call of spouse and children and grandchildren . . . Most of what I do is plan things around their schedules, their needs, their opportunities . . . Grampa gets his 'wild hogs' trips to unwind and live his inner child . . . so this summer, I decided that it will be MY turn for an adventure, just for ME . . .
I have ALWAYS wanted to go see the plays at Tuachan (a huge, natura, outdoorl amphitheater just outside of St. George, Utah). Somehow, it just never worked out, perhaps mostly because my husband didn't think it sounded like much fun, so it never was a priority . . . THIS year, I am going . . . I will go up by myself (though I told my sisters about it in case they wanted to join me) and spend a couple of days. Two different plays are performed on alternating nights, so by going for a few days, I will be able to see both of them. This summer they are "Tarzan" (based on the Disney movie with an additional six songs by Phil Collins for this venue) and "Cats" . . . I will go and have a blast . . . sleep til I feel like getting up . . . eat when I am hungry . . . shop if I feel like it . . . sightsee when and where I want to . . . and just sort of have a chance to recharge my own batteries . . . If I have to go by myself, I am okay with that . . . I am comfortable with my own company . . . but this will be my chance to just be ME . . . and not be a wife or a mom or a gramma . . .
I am excited . . . I haven't done this before, and I don't know if I will ever do it again . . . but the timing is right to do this NOW . . . or at least this summer . . .
Yeah . . . I really AM excited about this . . . gooooooooooooo ME!!!
