YOU'RE SO OLD . . .

One of my mom's favorite stories to tell was about my oldest son, T. He was (and still is) a precocious little guy . . . very smart, very observant, and very articulate . . . He was fun to have surprisingly deep conversations with at a very early age.


Once we were visiting when he was about three years old, and she took him somewhere in the car, just the two of them. This was back in the days when child safety seats were new and simply a good idea, not mandated by law, and so he was seatbelted in to the front seat, next to her. My mom (his gramma) was thoroughly enjoying having a conversation with him (I cannot remember what it was about) but she was amazed and very flattered that he continued to listen to her very intently, his eyes never leaving her face as she drove and talked. This went on for about fifteen minutes (a VERY long time for a three year old) and in a lull in the conversation, he suddenly said "gramma, you are soooooo old, I bet you die in a minute".


LOL . . . all the time she thought he was listening to her intently, taking her words to heart, he was merely studying her wrinkles . . . and his conclusion? She was due to drop over any minute . . .


She laughed whole heartedly every time she told this story . . . enjoying the blunt innocence of young children (they simply tell it like they see it) and laughing at herself . . . that she was so involved with thinking she was imparting the wisdom of the ages into his young, fertile mind, while in reality he may not have heard or registered a single word she said . . .


She was not the least bit insulted by his words . . . She had spent far too much time around young children not to be amused and delighted at his skewering her unintended pomposity so thoroughly and quickly . . .


This story has been on my mind the past few days . . .


Sometimes I can remember with such PAINFUL clarity, every single awkward thing I have ever said or done . . . every single fumbling compliment that I have ever tried to pay . . . every single poorly worded comment that was MEANT to be encouraging and uplifting and kind that came out so wrong that I was left breathless and appalled . . .


MAN . . . no matter how well intentioned I have been, there have been a LOT of awkward, fumbling, stupid comments I have made over the years . . .


SIGH . . .


Wouldn't you think that a grown woman with at least adequate social skills who is good hearted and never means to be unkind would have developed more finesse over all these years?!??

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY . . .

Just wanted to wish everyone a happy, HEALTHY, SAFE Independence Day tomorrow . . . Try to avoid potato salad that has been sitting in the sun, use sunscreen, and drive DEFENSIVELY (lots of 'impaired' drivers on the road) . . .


I am grateful for freedom . . . and the ability to disagree . . .


Lots of very brave men and women have given their lives for that over the years . . .

FEELING FRIED . . .

I hurt . . .


Who would have thought that a mellow. sunny San Diego day that was not too hot and had a sweet whisper of a breeze could be SO sneaky?!?


We made sure the menfolk had hats and were lathered with sunscreen . . . ditto for the kidlets . . . but I didn't use any at all . . . and I am VERY ouchie . . . I am sunburned everywhere I wasn't covered with clothes, but it it by FAR the worst on my forehead and the part in my hair . . . It hurt horribly yesterday and today still hurts AND itches like crazy (a sure sign it will shortly peel) . . .


HOW could I have been so dumb as to not seek shade . . . wear a hat . . . and/or use SUNSCREEN . . . ?!?!??


Sea World was fun, though . . . the little ones had a blast (ironically they were MOST delighted by splashing in a puddle and watching trained kitties and doggies perform) . . . We tramped all over, cheered ourselves hoarse, ooooh'd and aaaaaaah'd over the animals' antics and T and I got those delightful concoctions known as funnel cakes . . . MAN those are good!!! She got the strawberries and creme one and I got the caramel apple one and they were absolutely heavenly . . . We stayed late (for Sea World) and didn't leave the park til probably nine or nine thirty, then got lost on the way home and ended up taking the 'scenic' way back . . . I would not dream of teasing the driver though (HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAH!!!) but it WAS a teensy bit funny for Mr-I-don't-need-no-stinkin'-directions to have to go the long way around to get home . . .


I could barely walk the next day, I am burned to a crisp, but it was a fun day spent with some of my very favorite people in the universe!!!


YAY for Shamu and friends!!!! =o)

TASTES LIKE CHILDHOOD . . .

My mom made the most incredible homemade cinnamon rolls . . . I can still vividly remember the smell, slightly cinnamon-y and sweet and yeasty . . . first baking in the oven, then cooling on the counter as she iced them with a glaze that melted into them perfectly.

She was a good cook, and made a lot of things really well . . . but one of the very best was her cinnamon rolls . . . Eating them was a sensory-rich treat, a delectable smorgasbord of the bread-y roll, the sweetness of the sugary filling and the plump, juicy raisins, the spicy cinnamon that made them smell heavenly and kept them from being TOO sweet . . . all topped off with the sweet icing glaze that helped to keep the rolls from drying out . . . and kept them soft and tender . . .

It was a WONDERFUL treat to come home from school, throw open the front door and have that mouth-watering aroma greet you . . . Whatever little indignities and humiliations that the day had involved . . . whatever disappointments had been encountered with friends and school assignments . . . whatever huge projects were hanging menacingly overhead . . . ALL of that was shelved for a bit and left behind in the rush to respond to the delicious homemade goodness of her cinnamon rolls . . .

Oh, she didn't make them that often, but the times that she did DO stand out in my memory . . . Savoring those rolls, in a childhood world where calories and cholesterol didn't yet exist . . . not only filled my tummy . . . they also nourished my heart and soul. I didn't have a perfect childhood (LOL . . . does any one, really?) but I knew my mom loved me unconditionally . . . and I always, always, always felt safe when she was there . . . I knew that nothing really bad could ever happen while my mom was around . . .

The other day I got SUCH a strong craving for cinnamon rolls . . . MAN . . . I could almost SMELL them . . . but I recognized that it wasn't a matter of running to the bakery and buying one . . . or cracking open a tube of pillsbury's finest to pop in the oven . . . or even digging out her old recipe and whipping up a batch . . .

What I was actually craving was that childhood memory of unconditional love . . . and safety . . . the world where nothing REALLY bad could happen, because my mom wouldn't let it . . . where I felt absolutely safe . . . and protected . . . and loved . . .

SIGH . . .

How I wish it was that easy . . . to make everything all better for the people that I love . . .

I could really use a pan of magic cinnamon rolls . . .

DADDY'S DAY . . .

I wanted to write something for Father's Day . . . or at least about Father's Day . . . but it was a busy weekend, so I didn't get a chance . . . But it has stayed on my mind, so I think I will, even though it is a little late . . .

Father's Day is one of those holidays that many people have a hard time with . . . me, included, I guess. I didn't have a good father . . . I mean, he could have been much worse . . . but in many ways the nicest thing he did for us was not be very involved. It feels awful and disloyal to say that . . . but I spent my childhood mostly avoiding him . . . and flinching and/or ducking every time he moved unexpectedly . . . watching for little cues that his temper was about to blow . . . His choices . . . his actions and his attitudes did a lot of damage that had to be healed from . . . slowly and painfully and laboriously . . .

When I married, I knew that I wanted to be with someone who wanted a family, too . . . someone who would be involved with the raising and nurturing of the children we brought into the world . . . the precious little spirits entrusted to our care. Those were very busy years . . . money was always tight . . . time was always tight . . . and it was easy to be critical of how differently from me he parented . . . I had a big wish list that I tried valiantly to impose on him . . . I wished he would help more . . . I wished he were more involved with the day-to-day millions of little things that took time and effort . . . faces to be washed . . . teeth to be brushed . . . stories to be read . . . prayers to be said . . . LOL . . . those years are deeply satisfying, but lets face it . . . they are also exhausting . . .

I can see now, looking back, that I spent a lot of time feeling resentful and critical of things that were not matters of right or wrong . . . not even good and better . . . mostly they were things that were simply different than my way of doing things . . . I got caught up in MY way of doing things, (LOL . . . clearly the RIGHT way) and felt resentful way too often when he did things HIS way instead of exactly like I did . . .

So many of the things I grumbled about, really did not matter at all . . . and as I look at the relationship that our children have with their father NOW. . . I can see more clearly what a very good man he is . . . and that he always was . . . I love that our children genuinely LIKE their dad . . . They don't do (I don't think) 'duty' visits/contacts . . . they ENJOY spending time with him . . . hanging out . . . laughing . . . bantering . . . going for motorcycle rides . . . going to hitty, sweaty, testosterone-laden movies . . . They both respect him AND feel respected BY him . . . and none of them are afraid of him in any way . . . They each KNOW that they . . . their significant others . . . and their children are absolutely safe in his company and his care . . . and furthermore, they each know -- deep down in their souls -- that their father loves them and would do, literally, anything in his power to ensure their happiness and safety and success . . .

I didn't have a very good dad . . . but my kids' did . . . and do . . . I am so grateful that I didn't repeat a dysfunctional pattern, but was able to make a conscious decision to have a healthier family dynamic (not perfect, mind you, but much healthier) . . . and I hope with all my heart that my children are able to build on that and do the parenting thing even better in their own families . . .

Happy Father's day to any and all fathers and potential fathers (a little late) . . . It is a sacred responsibility to be entrusted with the nurturing and guardianship of these precious little children . . . and THANK YOU, Mark . . . for all these years of sharing that with me . . . I always, always, always knew that I wanted a family . . . thank you for helping to make that possible . . .

TAG . . . YOU'RE IT . . .

I am resistant to doing these 'me-me' tags . . . because I am simply not that interesting . . . but I can't think of anything else to write, so to keep me in the habit of blogging, I will do Tania's tag . . .

8 THINGS I DID YESTERDAY

1. Dragged my husband to a craft show, since my craft show buddy is far away . . . (he was actually fairly patient and made NO audible gagging noises at ALL)

2. Went to Costco where he was far happier . . . YAY for free samples of yummy food!!!

3. Cooked him his father's day dinner (steak, corn on the cob, potatoes, and a chocolate eclair) since tonight is someone's birthday dinner, and he will be gone Sunday.

4. Found out that I did, indeed, get an "A" in geology this past semester . . . WHOO HOOO!!!!!

5. Watched probably the LAMEST, most BORING mst3K video EVER made about air force pilots. I LOVE mystery science theater 3000 (and yeah, I know that ALL the movies they spoof are horrendously bad) but this one was way lamer than most . . .

6. Um . . . got dressed . . .

7. Battled a headache all day . . .

8. Passed out at ten thirty, way early for me (and no, these are not in chronological order) . . . =oP

8 FAVORITE TV SHOWS:

1. The Office (the only one that truly qualifies as a 'favorite')

2. Castle (the new show about a mystery writer working with the police department)

3. House (though sometimes his personality REALLY grates on me)

4. Bones (the lead woman in that show reminds me of pictures I have seen of my mom when she was young)

5. Burn Notice

6. WOW WOW Wubzies (yeah, I watch it with little M)

7. Sesame Street (ditto)

8. Backyardigans (yeah . . . with him)

LOL actually this makes it look like I watch a lot of TV, and I don't . . . The Office is probably the only thing that I think "oh dang" if tivo doesn't record it . . .

8 FAVORITE EATS:

1. Anything Mexican or Tex-Mex, minus sour cream and guacamole . . . especially enchiladas and tacos . . .

2. Italian food . . . like lasagna and spaghetti . . .

3. Homemade bread . . . MMMMM . . . the fun of kneading it and baking it . . . the smell of it cooking . . . and the DELICIOUSNESS of fresh, homemade bread . . .

4. Homemade soup with big chunks of veggies . . . it just TASTES nourishing and healthy and like it as good FOR me as it tastes TO me . . .

5. My mom's homemade cinnamon rolls . . . the taste of childhood . . . YUM!!!

6. Boiled wheat . . . I absolutely LOVE the taste and consistency of boiled wheat with a little brown sugar on it . . . my kids say it is like chewing an old tire (though how they know this, I have never asked) . . . but I LOVE it . . . it is filling and SO nourishing and you don't get hungry again FOREVER . . .

7. Peanut butter M&Ms . . . =o)

8. Corn on the cob, with melted butter, salt and pepper . . . I hate that it takes forever to get the little thingies out of your teeth afterwards, but it is SOOOOoooOOOOOOO good!!!!

8 THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO:

1. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO classes this summer!!!!!

2. Finishing my final two classes in the Fall, before I transfer and begin working on my NEXT degree . . . sigh . . .

3. Sewing more this summer . . . I am just ITCHING to get back into that . . . I used to sew SO much ALL the time . . . it was my creative outlet, and all of the sudden I really really miss it and want to get back into it . . .

4. Finishing up the castle room so it looks all cool and inviting and less like a 'garage' upstairs where everything gets sort of shoved when we don't know where else to put it . . .

5. Getting back into a bikini . . . (LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK, not really . . . I think that ship has long since sailed, but I was just seeing if anyone was awake still)

6. Having the summer months with fewer demands and deadlines so that I can get back in to my routine of walking every day (or night) . . . I have MISSED it, and I can feel such a difference . . .

7. Writing . . . I do not need a degree to write, so I want to put more time and effort into just writing on a daily basis . . .

8. More time to enjoy family and visitors and maybe even do some visiting this summer!!! =o)

8 THINGS ON MY WISH LIST:

1. Getting in better, healthier shape.

2. That my loved ones be healthy and happy.

3. Returning to the temple.

4. Reaching important personal goals.

5. To be a better support/cheerleader/encouragement to friends and family -- the people that I love (and even to the people I don't like that well) ;o)

6. To do better about following the promptings of the Spirit.

7. To find a healthier balance even when I am IN school, so that my life is not so consumed by the challenges and projects of my classes.

8. To run in a marathon (yeah . . . really . . . ME)

8 THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR:

1. My faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ.

2. My husband who doesn't always 'get' me . . . but who loves me anyways.

3. My five amazing, too-smart-for-their-own-good, wickedly funny, good-hearted children . . . who are not children any longer . . . but who have each blessed and enriched my life beyond measure.

3. The amazing, dynamic, multi-talented, interesting people that my children have added to our family circle . . . I am in awe of the caliber of the people they have chosen to love, and who we have had the opportunity and blessing of welcoming into our extended family circle . . .

4. Five (almost six) of the MOST adorable, gorgeous, incredible, absolutely brilliant grandchildren EVER born in this universe . . . They have been SO much fun to welcome and love and watch as they begin to blossom into the people they will become . . . I hope that I am around for many, many more years so I can continue to watch them in awe . . .

5. My extended family . . . I have the best sisters EVER . . . and I am grateful for their friendship and encouragement and support (and the many reminders of every stupid thing I ever did as a child) and I love the people -- spouses and children -- that each of them have also added to the family circle . . .

6. My mind . . . I love that I can always find things to laugh about, and find enjoyment in, no matter how bleak things might be, and I especially love that I absolutely love the process of learning new things . . . Those two things have been SUCH a blessing to me in my life . . .

7. Forgiveness . . . I am thankful that when I see that something in my life is hurting the people I love, or that I have somehow gotten off track in some way, that I know I can make a course correction -- no matter how uncomfortable or difficult that may be -- and make things right . . .

8. The knowledge that my Heavenly Father both KNOWS me . . . and that He LOVES me . . . with all my weaknesses and imperfections, and my excruciatingly slow progress at becoming more like Him . . . This gives me the courage to hang in there and keep trying and not simply settling for what I already am . . .

OK . . . I wont tag anybody, because I don't know anyone who blogs who hasn't already done this . . . This was, indeed, more difficult than it seemed like it would/should be . . .

LOL . . . =oP to Tania for tagging me . . . ;o)

WEDNESDAY WEIRDNESS . . .

The past few days have been . . . just weird . . .

I am done with my classes, the semester is over (YAY!!) . . . so a great deal of the pressure is off now, which is really nice. I am waiting to hear what I got in one of my classes, but the one I was most concerned about, I know I DID pass, so I am delighted . . . The other class, I think I will get an A . . . That is what I expect. If for some reason I didn't, I will at least get a B . . . and that would be perfectly acceptable. I know I tried my best.

So . . . I should be feeling this HUGE sense of relief, right? Pressure is off . . . I have no homework to do, nothing I 'should' be working on, hanging over my head every minute . . . but . . . I don't. I just feel a little . . . well . . . lost. . .

I have training for work all this week . . . I get paid for it, so the fact that it is not really exciting, doesn't matter, really. I am still trying to decide IF I want to work this summer (or take the summer off completely and start back in the Fall) and if I do decide I want to work, what days . . . what hours . . .

I have SOOO many projects around the house to get to and to finish up . . . I want to deep clean and finish painting the mural on the grandkids castle room . . . maybe take down the crib, since although little M still requests to sleep in it when he is here, he sleeps in a bed at home, so he should be fine on the bottom bunk . . . it is low and comfortable . . . The crib will be needed again when GR is born in October, but I know T will want it downstairs when she comes to visit so her baby is with her, not way upstairs . . .

I also intend to DEEP clean and ORGANIZE all the stuff in the master bedroom . . . MAN . . . all those books and papers and just STUFF . . . Maybe someday I will have a sewing room to move all that paraphenalia into . . . but if not, it still needs to be better organized so I can find what I need when I need it. I don't do nearly as much sewing as I used to . . . but if it were easier to get to things, perhaps I would sew more than I do now. I love doing it, and I have all these little critters to sew for . . . It is a very satisfying, creative outlet . . .

I guess maybe the funk I am in is just because I am having to totally change gears from school mode (frantic, stressed, overwhelmed) back to 'real' life . . . where I largely get to set my own deadlines (if I choose to) and can pace myself however I want . . .

I think that I am not very good at switching gears and being flexible . . . Weird, huh? You would think that by now, with all the curves life has thrown at me while I was busy making other plans I would have learned that life is all ABOUT flexibility, and the need to adapt and roll with the punches . . .

Somehow I REALLY thought I would be smarter and have things more 'together' by this point in my life . . . LOL . . . What a rude awakening . . . =o/