PRAYERFULLY YOURS . . .

I know that not everyone ascribes to a faith . . .

Many of my friends have a variety of belief systems, and some have none at all . . . But since this is MY blog . . . and I have it to share what is in MY head and heart . . . sometimes I choose to talk about some aspect of my faith . . .

I am a Mormon . . . a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My faith is a huge part of who and what I am, and I am grateful for what my beliefs add to my life, my family relationships, my dreams, my hopes and even my struggles . . .

One of the key elements of my faith is that I believe with all my heart that there IS, indeed, a God and that He is my Heavenly Father . . . that He loves me and that He has a plan for my life, and for the lives of those I love (and even for the lives of those I am annoyed by, to be honest).

My life is not perfect . . . no more perfect than anybody else's . . . and I struggle at times to make sense of the world and the events that transpire around me. My heart aches for the unanswered questions . . . the things that don't seem to make sense . . . the times that bad things -- sometimes very bad things -- happen to good people . . . especially if they happen to good people that I care about.

And happen, they do . . .

Anyone who thinks that only good things should (or will) happen to good people who are simply trying to live their lives and not harm anyone . . . and that bad things should (or will) only happen to bad, selfish, calloused people is either very young or refuses to face reality . . . The fact is that ALL of us -- good AND bad -- have triumphs and joys and accomplishments AND heartaches and setbacks and sorrows . . .

So looking around to see who 'deserves' what is going on is bound to be an exercise in frustration and bafflement, and often outright pain . . .

I mean, lets face it . . . EACH of us is imperfect enough and has said and/or done enough stupid, shortsighted, hurtful things that if someone is looking for a 'reason' for bad things happening, there is going to be PLENTY of ammunition to pin it on . . . But those moments of 'ohhhhh . . . THAT is why this is happening to her/him/them' only serve to deepen one's pain when very bad things happen to YOU . . . things you don't feel like you deserve and which are absolutely devastating . . .

I think that the truth is that while some of what we struggle with may very well be natural consequences of our choices and priorities (IE, if I spend money I do not have, I WILL have to deal with bounced checks and/or angry creditors . . . if I treat family members with disrespect and disregard their feelings, I WILL have to deal with growing feelings of dissatisfaction and unrest in my home). . . but beyond that, I suspect that MOST of what happens to us is simply LIFE . . . Our mortal experiences are filled with other imperfect human beings who can be selfish and hurtful . . . random life experiences that often seem to happen at the WORST possible moments . . . setbacks and disappointments that are devastating. I, personally, do not believe that God orchestrates it all . . . sends bad experiences to everybody who displeases Him and good to those who do . . .

Oh, I DO believe that blessings come from obedience . . . I absolutely believe that. However, I think that with our limited, mortal points of view, that many of what we tend to view as 'good' things are, in fact, some of our most difficult trials . . . and what we tend to view as 'bad' are some of our greatest blessings . . .

Let me explain . . . Perhaps because I am older, I have seen MANY examples of happenings/events that were welcomed excitedly with open arms . . . new opportunities, lucrative 'rewards', which ultimately led people and families to fracture and crumble . . . One easy example of this is the lottery (something which because of my belief system, I have never even played). To someone who struggles to pay their bills each month . . . winning the lottery seems like SUCH a blessing . . . a dream come true, for sure! Who among us has NEVER pondered what they would do with huge winnings like those offered?!? Bills paid, dream homes built, no financial worries at ALL . . . And yet, historically, those who DO win those kinds of things, often find themselves -- not all that far down the road -- not only in WORSE financial shape, but also admit that it was the catalyst that ended up destroying their families. I am intrigued by the number of people who end up admitting that they would give anything to have their old lives back, problems and all, when it is way too late for a 'do over' . . .

In much the same way, I have also lived long enough to see that many of what we quickly label as 'trials' to be blessings in disguise. Financial setbacks . . . job losses or changes . . . troubling health issues . . . EASILY labeled as horrible, awful things, and yet the growth that comes from facing, dealing with, working through and overcoming those 'opportunities' ends up being something that is life changing in almost miraculous ways . . . opening new doors, new awarenesses, new levels of compassion one never even knew existed . . .

Still . . . despite that, we (and that includes ME) DO tend to struggle at crossroads which are not of our own choosing . . . We are resistant to being invited to grow in new ways, learn new things, step out of our comfort zones . . . and this is as true of ME as anyone else . . .

So . . . here we stand at a crossroads . . . One which is overwhelming and scary and potentially devastating . . .

I freely admit that I am afraid . . . and yet . . .

I know -- with everything in me -- that we are not facing it alone . . . I know that the Lord is mindful of us . . . I know that He will walk through this journey with us . . . AND I know that we can trust Him . . .

I also know -- with all my heart -- that whatever happens, will ultimately be okay . . . even if getting there takes us through some thorny paths . . .



Today I am fasting for him . . . for me . . . for US . . . That we can pull together through this scary trial . . . That we will be able to feel the guidance of the Lord through the current and upcoming events, whatever they may be . . . That we wont waver from the path we have carefully and prayerfully chosen, and which we KNOW is right . . .

And that through it all . . . We will be able to feel HOPE . . . and not give in to despair . . .


Because, bottom line . . . isn't THAT what faith is all about?

PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE . . .

You know, to be honest, I really thought I would use this blog more than I do . . . After all, I LOVE to write . . . I know some people have blogs mainly to post photos, or recipes, or youtube clips . . .but I am not much of a photographer, and sharing recipes just isn't my thing, except on rare occasions, and I am not technologically savvy enough to post clips. Those just simply aren't my thing. But I LOVE love LOVE to write . . .

And yet, days turn into weeks and I just don't write here . . .

I guess I haven't found my little niche -- yet -- in blogland . . .

Who am I writing for or to . . . What am I trying to accomplish here . . . If this is JUST for me, why don't I write in an old fashioned journal . . .

I just don't know . . .

This began as an experiment . . . to allow my children and extended family members to get to know ME (if they had any desire to) . . . beyond just the me-as-mom . . . and the me-as-wife . . . and the me-as-aunt . . . me-as-sister, etc . . . I wanted to be able to share my thoughts, my insights, my life experiences just as a PERSON . . . just as a WOMAN . . . just as, well, ME . . .

But that is harder to do that it seems like it would be . . .

I find myself filtering things so I don't step on anybody's toes . . . so there is no possibility of stepping on toes . . . Maybe I still do . . . but that is not my intent . . . There is no getting away from the fact that that IS tricky, though . . . For instance, if I share something about my marriage or relationship with my husband, how is he going to feel about what I share? Will he feel exposed? threatened? uncomfortable? If I worry too much about that, then I filter what I write, and it becomes NOT a reflection of my thoughts and insights, but what I think he wants to hear or needs to hear . . .

Ditto for others . . . Where does my need/right to share end . . . ? Is it at someone else's comfort zone? I heard about an author who wrote a book about family interactions that was a thinly disguised autobiography. When it got published and got a lot of attention her family members were FURIOUS with her . . . They felt humiliated and uncomfortably, unflatteringly portrayed . . . Most of them stopped speaking to her, and one even brought suit against her for invasion of privacy . . .

The trouble is, I can see both sides of that . . .

The author had a right to tell her story . . . She had changed names and fudged a bit on details to cloud who and what she was talking about . . . She tried to be objective and fair, but in order to tell the stories authentically, she couldn't focus on how the people would LIKE to be portrayed . . . She was more concerned with telling her story, and sharing her insights about human nature . . .

Her family members, on the other hand, were angry and upset at her seeming betrayal. They felt like she had no right to share the intimate details of their lives, even with the names changed. THEY could recognize themselves in her book, and had no reason to think others would have any more difficulty. In addition to that, they felt like THEIR side of the stories and issues were not properly addressed . . . The rendition was all one sided, and wasn't fair . . .

And that IS inevitable . . . isn't it? We all see things from our own points of view, even as we share experiences with one another (and isn't that what relationships are about? sharing?) . . . We get glimpses into the mindset of others as we get older and stop being quite so self absorbed . . . as we develop compassion and a willingness to suspend judgment . . . but even so, it is probably nigh unto impossible to TRULY be completely objective . . . especially when dealing with the highly-emotionally-charged issues regarding the intimacies of family relationships and friendships . . .

On the other hand . . . is it really worth the effort and self reflection to blog, if all one can share is bland, inoffensive pleasantries? I am not one that has ever TRIED to be offensive . . . I do not walk around proclaiming "I am what I am, and you just have to deal with it" as I stomp carelessly through the lives of others . . . I have no desire to live like that. I don't LIKE to hurt or offend or embarrass other people . . . Still . . . if all I can say here (since my extended family and friends DO have access to it) are generic niceties . . . um . . . why bother?

I mean, it would be nice if my marriage was always moonlight and roses, and my extended family relationships never had any squabbles -- large or small -- and all my friends were exemplary and perfect. But that is not real life . . . It just isn't. EVERY relationship chafes sometimes . . . EVERY relationship can be stifling and irritating once in awhile . . . ALL of us have things of which we are not proud (and perhaps even downright ashamed) of . . . that is the nature of the beast, the cost of being human . . .

When my children were little, I began writing long, newsy letters to my family and also to my in laws . . . In them, I told about our day-to-day lives, cute things the kids had said and done, about our hopes and dreams and plans . . . My mother-in-law saved them ALL in several huge binders and gave them back to me as a family history of sorts. I LOVE reading through them and being reminded of little incidents that I had completely forgotten about . . . and yet even as I delight in reading them, I am aware that they do not tell the whole story.

Those long, newsy letters tell a prettified, sanitized version of our lives . . . one in which my husband and I might squabble and have our little differences, but we certainly are never ANGRY or FRUSTRATED or wonder if we will still be together in another year or two or ten . . . a version where my children were endlessly charming and while the exhaustion of mothering five active, creative, imaginative children comes through the lines of the letters, I don't see much evidence of the sleepless nights wondering how to handle a troubling issue . . . the frustration of trying to find a way to teach a child a lesson that is vitally important that he/she master . . . the feelings of wondering if I am up to the deeply satisfying but also incredibly stretchy, overwhelming task of nurturing the minds and spirits and characters of five very precious children.

And those omissions are not surprising . . . I mean, who wants to air their dirty laundry . . . expose all their messy unfinishedness to people they are linked to and who have at least an emotional stake in our ability to juggle all those tasks, all those responsibilities . . . ?

We WANT people who matter to us (and even some who do not) to think well of us . . .

That is only natural . . .

Sooooo . . . what IS the happy medium between brutal truth (from our perspectives) and guarding (and even trying to shape) the image that others have of us? Where can one comfortably (for all parties concerned) walk the line between authenticity and sugar coating?

These ARE all vitally important issues to be considered . . .

Let me make it clear here that I do not wish to write 'so and so is a heinous bitch' or 'whatz-his-bucket is a selfish pig' . . . because, honestly, I rarely think of people in terms like that . . . I know how multifaceted human beings are . . . how filled with inconsistencies and frailties . . . and I really try to give other people the benefit of the doubt, even when their actions and words are hurtful and baffling and disappointing . . . As human beings, we are NOT all black or all white . . .

People are . . . well . . . complicated . . . we are EACH a bundle of strengths and weaknesses . . . talents and flaws . . . good and evil . . . NONE of us are completely finished products . . .

People -- ALL people -- sometimes hurt and disappoint . . . we sometimes make good choices, and sometimes make very poor choices . . . it is human nature, I think, to try to rewrite our own personal histories to make ourselves the good guy in our stories, and OTHER people the ones at fault for anything that might have gone wrong . . .

And by that same token, we all have things we like about ourselves, that we enjoy getting patted on the back for . . . and there are aspects to our characters, choices and past actions that we would rather not have broadcast to the world, even hypothetically, to be dissected by people who do not love us, do not think well of us and don't care if we are humiliated by their judgments and assessments . . .

So . . . um . . . yeah . . . blogging is complicated . . .

Perhaps what I really need is a pseudonym and a completely anonymous, 'secret' blog where I can truly bare my soul to the universe . . . but that defeats the main purpose for THIS blog . . . If what I share is secret and anonymous, then it does not help my extended family and friends to know me . . . to TRULY come to know ME . . . if they should ever have that desire . . .

And when it comes right down to it . . . isn't that the greatest gift we can give one another? The freedom to share exactly who and what we are without fear of rejection or judgment? Of COURSE other people have opinions . . . especially if our choices and actions ripple out to affect them . . . How could they NOT care and speculate on what is best?

But the comfort and freedom of feeling SAFE to share and bare ones soul . . .

THAT would be the gift of a lifetime . . .





Sooooo . . . um . . . yeah . . . Trying to integrate all that concern and sensitivity and awareness while trying to authentically share my life experiences and thoughts and insights is a very tricky tightrope to walk . . .

I suspect that is why I have so much trouble blogging here . . .


SIGH . . .

But even so . . . I INTEND to keep trying to do so . . .






Maybe there is a way . . .

SUNDAY MORNINGS . . .

Once upon a time when I had a houseful of little kids, Sunday mornings were NOT my favorite part of the week . . . I had to get them up, fed, dressed and ready to go to church . . . and no matter how carefully I planned, or what time church started, I ALWAYS hit snags . . . I often got to church already feeling frazzled and exhausted, and church hadn't even started yet!

Still, it was important to me that we attend church together as a family, so we did . . .

Over the years, as kids grew and got older and took over their own 'getting ready' there were still plenty of challenges to getting to church on time (or better yet, a little early) . . . neatly dressed . . . focused on the Savior and the sabbath . . . and being in the mindset to listen and be taught -- either by the speakers and teachers or simply by the Spirit . . .

Now my children are grown and gone . . . I can leave in plenty of time to make it a little early and listen to the beautiful prelude music as I try to clear away the 'static' from the week past . . . I can close my eyes to soak it in, and not even worry about what one of my little people is doing while I am not watching . . .

My Sunday mornings are now as peaceful as I could ever have hoped for . . . I only have myself to get ready . . . myself to get out the door . . . myself to keep track of during the meetings . . . my own behavior to monitor . . .

I can listen to each speaker and ponder their message . . . I can listen to the Spirit whisper course corrections I need to make or comfort and hope . . . I can keep my eyes closed during the ENTIRE sacrement, and not worry about who is doing what around me . . . I can bring everything I need for classes or lessons . . .

I can spend my Sundays focused on what I am there for . . .






And I do enjoy them . . . I really do . . .


But . . . I MISS my wiggley little companions . . . I miss trying to teach them (with varying degrees of success) to be reverent and the importance of what they are hearing and learning . . . I miss having to keep one eye slightly open during prayers so that I can see if any pinching or wrestling is going on . . .



Funny . . . huh? Now that I have the peace and serenity I longed for all those busy, hectic years . . . now I long for the semi controlled chaos that used to characterize my Sundays . . .

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME . . .

I am home . . . YAY!!!!

My trip was absolutely WONDERFUL . . . I am SO glad I could go participate in the Sisters Reunion. All but one of my sisters were there (and we missed her HORRIBLY) but it was still a blast . . . We talked, talked, talked non stop . . . saw two incredible plays ("Tarzan" and "Cats") . . . toured some church history sites which was fascinating . . . did some shopping . . . looked through old family photos and laughed uproariously at how dorky we all looked . . . watched a few movies . . . played board games . . . took turns cooking meals . . . It was absolutely delightful (with the exception of the missing sister) . . . I am SO glad we went, and the home we rented was GORGEOUS . . . I may never stay in a hotel again . . .

I also had a wonderful time at my sister's. Utah is beautiful . . . I love the mountains and ALL the GREEN trees . . . We had fun and got to go see our mom's grave (and the little town she grew up in) . . . visit a niece and her family . . . visit our aunt (our mom's only surviving sibling) and take her out to dinner . . . go see a play ("The Wedding Singer" . . . which was absolutely delightful) and have lots of time to visit and talk and even lots of time for me to curl up with a good book and read while my sister had to work (I think between the reunion and my week with my sister that I finished FIVE books!)

I feel very rested and rejuvenated . . . like my batteries are fully charged, which feels great! This has been an incredible year, full of ups and downs and twists and turns and not all of it has been fun . . . but it HAS been an adventure . . . and I feel like I have finally -- TRULY -- gotten my 'balance' back . . .

This vacation . . . These past few weeks, really . . . (the trip to Texas, and everybody I got to see along the way there) . . . the sisters reunion . . . the week with my sister . . . were exactly what I needed . . .

Life is good . . . not always FUN . . . but it IS good . . .

I am learning lots . . .

And I am grateful for the journey . . .




It is VERY good to be home . . .

EMPTY NESTS ARE QUIET NESTS . . .

Well, we are back from Texas . . . and what a LLLOOOONNNNGGGGG, exhausting trip that was . . .

Still, it was also FUN . . . The kids traveled amazingly well . . . especially considering that they were wedged into a VERY crowded car with virtually NO wiggle room . . .

We will treasure the past year and that car trip forever . . . It was a tremendous blessing to have S and her kidlets here with us . . . We absolutely LOVE how well we know them . . . and how well THEY know US . . . I know I sound like a sappy, doting gramma . . . but our grandkids (and that includes my neices and nephews children, as well) are SO amazing . . . adorable . . . smart . . . funny . . . brilliant . . . beautiful . . . and OH so LOVED . . .

It was good to see how thrilled A and D and S were to get home to their OWN house . . . their OWN daddy . . . their OWN doggy (I am not positive I have the order correct there . . . They REALLY love that doggy!) ;0) B looked equally delighted to have his family back . . . Long separations are HARD on children and marriages and families . . . but having an eternal perspective helps . . . and having everybody focused on being a forever family helps a lot . . .

We got in late Saturday night . . . and then got to all get up bright and early Sunday morning to get ready and over to the church for C's blessing . . . We got there late, but still managed to get him blessed . . . and it was WONDERFUL to have a chance to see B's parents and sister . . . to meet MA's beautiful fiance (they are getting married late next month!) . . . see and hug DAM (LOL . . . what initials, huh?) and her precious little daughter (still tucked safely inside) . . . see and hug MAR just days before her adorable little son made his appearance (YAY for safe arrivals!!!) and her husband and cutie pie two year old N . . . and to see and hug TA . . . who felt invisible, ONLY because I expected her to be seven still, and she has instantaneously (it seems) blossomed into a gorgeous young woman (HOW does time go SO fast for THEM, when WE stay such cute young things forever?!???) It was a FUN day, even though it sure would have been nice to have been able to catch our collective breaths before pulling off a dinner party . . . LOL . . . but life is just like that . . . and I wouldn't have missed ANY of it, for the world . . .

Monday we managed to squeeze in a trip to the cutest (and maybe HOTTEST) zoo ever . . . lunch . . . an awesome museum . . . and even a rather reluctant (though delicious) BBQ dinner . . . and then M and I got stomped in a game we played late that night when we were all beyond exhausted, mostly because we knew once we went to bed, it was going to all be over . . . =o/

It was very hard to leave them behind when we headed home early Tuesday morning . . . I think I cried the first 200 miles . . . even though I KNEW they were where they needed to be, and it felt very right for their family to be reunited . . . The ride home was certainly much quieter than the ride out . . . and we made fewer potty stops . . .

It helped a lot to be able to spend a couple of hours in Tucson with D, going out to lunch and to see "Prince of Persia" (an expensive nap for D who had been up since 11 pmish the night before . . . He WANTED to see the movie, but with a belly full of delicious Italian food, and a dark theater, he simply passed out. When the movie was over, he looked over at me, and said "Is it just my imagination, or was that movie like ten minutes long?!??" LOL . . . Now he will have the fun of going to see it AGAIN . . . for the very first time . . . ;o)

It also helped to stop in Phoenix and spend a little time playing with two other ADORABLE grandsons . . . G even SMILED at me . . . WHILE I was holding him!!! =o) YAY for grandkids who don't think we suck!!! LOL . . . I know it is just the age he is . . . little ones go through a stage where they are VERY aware of who is 'us' and who is NOT . . . and they don't always see us enough to realize how cool we are . . . ;o) So that needs to change . . .

Now we are HOME . . .

WOW . . .

The house feels SO empty . . .

D2 is here . . . and on the weekends and late at night, when he gets home from work (if we are still up) we get to visit with him . . . and inbetween those times, we have his dirty dishes in the sink to treasure as evidence he still lives . . . but this is definitely going to take some getting used to . . . especially for grampa M, as I leave again for Utah this time . . . He gets almost two weeks of what B lived with for the past year . . .

I hope it isn't TOO lonely for him . . . and that it makes him REALLY really REALLY miss me so that he is very glad to see me when I get back . . .

I think after this Utah trip that it will really sink in . . . all these changes . . . and then we can get busy adjusting to our 'new' life . . . sans adorable, cherubic little noise-and-mess makers on a daily basis . . .

I THINK we can do this . . .




Guess we will find out . . .

SO LONG . . . FAREWELL . . . ETC . . .

Heading off to the wild blue yonder . . .

HMMMM . . . or at least the wild brown yonder . . . Seems like Texas is mostly brownish, though perhaps I am mistaken . . .

This is a bittersweet trip . . .

It is GOOD that a little family will be reunited . . . VERY good . . .

But MAN will we ever miss these precious little munchkins . . .

I guess we need to just concentrate on how grateful we are that B was willing to share them for this long, and simply for the fact that we have had the opportunity to know them so intimately . . .

I love my family . . .

FEELING BLAH . . . BLAH . . . BLAH-GGY . . .

I really had high hopes for this blog when I started it . . . I like to write . . . HMMMM . . . no . . . I LOVE to write . . . but sometimes weeks at a time go by without me posting a word . . . I am not sure what is going on with me, but it feels weird . . . It feels very UNlike me . . .

Usually I can always find something to write about . . . That is what I DO . . . but in the year since I began this blog, it seems like when I do write, that I have to MAKE myself write . . .

I still like the idea of a blog . . . I WANT to write a blog . . .

Maybe it is the thought that other people can read this (might read this?) that throws me off . . . Since I have no way of knowing who has stopped by (unless they leave a comment) and people rarely leave comments, I am not sure if the lack of responses makes me feel . . . well . . . boring? Or perhaps it is the possibility that ANYBODY (and by extension EVERYBODY) could be reading what I write that might have given me some kind of cyber stage fright . . . ?

I do not know . . .

All I DO know is that I really wanted to give a blog a good, honest try . . . I just cannot really get into Facebook . . . and this seems like an acceptable alternative . . . It involves a medium that I love (writing) . . . and allows me both the escape of self expression and a way for my kids and extended family to get to know me as a PERSON . . . not just as a wife/mom/sister/etc.

I think I will try this blog thing for another year . . . and if at the end of that time, it STILL feels like pulling teeth to write entries . . . I will wave a white flag and give up my little online experiment . . . But I REALLY really REALLY hope that this becomes a creative outlet where I can write and share from my heart . . . even if nobody else reads it but ME . . . There is value in the pondering and self reflection and the exercise of putting life experiences and feelings into words, even without an audience . . .

I WANT to be a blogger . . . so I will try for a little longer . . .

I don't post personal or family photographs . . . I simply am not a photographer . . . I also keep personal details minimal . . . but this IS . . . for what it is worth . . . ME . . .

Welcome to my world . . . ;o)