NO LONGER THE CHAMP . . . SIGH . . .

One talent I have always had . . . ALWAYS . . . is that babies LOVE me . . .


Honest . . . I can make ANY baby smile and giggle and coo . . . I am WONDERFUL at it . . .


Except last night . . .


SIGH . . .


I now have to surrender my title as champ of that particular skill set . . .


We went to Disneyland because grampa was going into withdrawals (hahahahahah little inside joke there) . . . Actually we went to Disneyland because this is supposedly the last week of Summer Nightastic or something. Monday through Thursday were unblocked on our passes, and the night we were going to go kept getting bumped around . . . usually at the last minute . . . because things kept cropping up unexpectedly . . . but FINALLY we decided that YESTERDAY (last night, actually) was the day . . . so we packed up and just went (hey . . . who says old people can't be spontaneous) . . .


As expected, Disneyland was PACKED . . . UGH . . . I HATE Disneyland when it is wall-to-wall people like that . . . Still, grampa really really wanted to see the new Fantasmic thingie, so . . . there we were, with roughly half of the planet's population milling around with us. It is no small task to keep track of little ones in a crowd like that, especially when the kids are WAY too big for a stroller (their estimation, not mine . . . strollers make great 'people movers' to work your way through a crowd) . . . Then we staked out our claim for a not totally sucky spot from which to watch The Summer Nightastic show two hours early (and we BARELY were able to still find a spot) . . . and I stayed with the kids to keep our place safe while grampa and mom went off to secure sustenance for hungry/thirsty place holders.


Near as I can figure they were gone for at LEAST eight hours . . . leaving me stranded (if one can be stranded when you are standing shoulder-to-shoulder with all the other sardines) with two HIGHLY energetic, HIGHLY excited children . . . I had ample opportunity to practice not making any eye contact with the people on either side of us so I could pretend I had no idea they were glaring and snarling at us . . . Apparently they had NOT staked out those places so that kids could trip and fall on top of them roughly a thousand times or be right there when a shoving match ensued . . . WEIRD . . . go figure . . .


So FINALLY the production began . . . only to be cancelled over the loudspeakers five minutes or so into it . . . LOL . . . um . . . yeah . . . disappointing. I have never heard anything "BOO"'d quite so loudly and thoroughly at Disneyland before . . . Oh well . . . it is STILL the Magic Kingdom, right? And the kids (and grampa) LOVED that first five minutes AND were absolutely enthralled with the fireworks show later.


However, at one point we split up, with mama going on the rocket ships with both kids, and grampa coaxing me on to a ride I have never been on before, though I am not sure why. The ride was Astro Blasters (or something close to that) and I really have no idea why I have never been before . . . it is not scary . . . nor is it really really jerky like the Indiana Jones ride that always leaves me with weird bruises and whiplash.


So he and I got in line behind a young mother and her baby (and roughly a thousand other people). Like I said, babies AlWAYS love me and respond to me . . . I can always get them to giggle and smile. So about five minutes into our wait, the mom shifted the baby (who was about nine months old) so that he was against her chest, facing backwards (at us) over her shoulder.


He was a seriously cute little guy, with huge eyes and a seriously solemn facial expression that I have only seen duplicated in photos of Winston Churchill . . . so I set about to work my magic . . .


First, I smiled at him . . . NO response . . .


So . . . I made funny faces at him . . . NOTHING . . .


Then I wiggled my fingers at him . . . ZIP . . .


Pretended my fingers were a spider, coming to get him . . . NO response at ALL . . .


I made EVERY funny face I have EVER made at a baby . . . and even made up a few new ones . . . with absolutely NO impact on little stone face . . . NOTHING . . .


I wiggled my tongue at him . . . NADA . . .


I clicked my tongue at him . . . made animal noises . . . with absolutely NO response . . . He just kept STARING at me with these huge eyes, watching my every move intently . . .


Finally, his mom turned around and we began talking, and I confessed that I had been trying for the past hour (yeah . . . the lines were THAT long) to make the little guy crack a smile with NO luck at ALL, and she laughed and said, 'Isn't he the most SERIOUS baby you have ever seen?' Then she went on to say that he COULD smile, but that it was really, really hard to get him to do it . . . and that the walls of their home were covered with pictures of the little guy staring solemnly at the photographer . . . NO photographer had EVER (yet) gotten him to smile . . .


SIGH . . .


Even so, I KEPT trying . . . till I finally got a change of expression from him . . . Not a SMILE, more a wrinkling of his brow like he was seriously disturbed and SOOOOO close to hunting down park security to alert them to this bizarre woman running loose in the park . . .


So I finally admitted defeat and gave up . . .


I am SO crushed . . .


I absolutely FAILED . . . =o/


There go all my cherished dreams of being a baby photographer, if ONLY I could work past my magic touch of ONLY being able to take blurry photographs . . . SIGH . . .


I relinquish my title . . . *I* am not longer the champ . . .

CH-CH-CH-CHANGES . . .

HMMMMM . . . Lots of changes in progress . . . some exciting . . . some sad . . . but as someone far wiser than me once said, 'if there is one constant in life it is that change is inevitable' . . . and that is very true . . .



Learning to roll with the punches, and adapt to exciting, longed for changes (like marriage . . . a new baby . . . an exciting job opportunity) . . . AND learning to accommodate hurtful, difficult changes and setbacks is what life is all about . . . Nobody pencils in heartaches and disappointments . . .


Nobody gazing up at the stars as an adolescent looks up into the night sky and thinks "I want to fail at what is most important in life" . . . but . . . sometimes things happen.


When I look back over my life, I remember SO many dreams I have had over the years . . . I wanted to be in love . . . I wanted to be married . . . I wanted to have a family . . . I wanted to be happy . . . I wanted to be healthy . . . I wanted to have the opportunity to develop my talents and interests . . . I wanted to feel good about the direction my life was headed . . .


Those dreams, I have pretty much realized (or they are at least currently being worked on) . . . I AM in love . . . I AM married . . . I have an AWESOME family . . . I have SO much happiness . . . I have better health than I probably deserve . . . and I have had a myriad of opportunities to develop a variety of interests and talents . . . and, for the most part, I DO feel good about the direction my life is headed . . .


Other dreams, have sort of fallen by the wayside over the years . . . I may never live in a secluded mountain cabin where I paint and work on my great American novel all day . . . Oh, it could still happen . . . and the idea is still appealing to me . . . but my husband's job is HERE, a mountain commute wouldn't factor in, easily, and it would mean that we couldn't be as much support to family and friends as we currently can be . . . and THAT has become more important to me, over the years than that scenic mountain cabin . . .


I also may never get my cruise to Alaska to see the Northern Lights . . . Again, this could still easily happen . . . and it is still VERY appealing to me . . . but there are so many other places for that money to go, especially NOW with times so scary and rough for so many . . . so much need around me . . . I am just not sure that I will ever want that cruise more than I want to be there for loved ones . . .


I have faced the fact that I will never go to Art School . . . I have talent, I know that I do. Not only have my art teachers always told me that, and encouraged me, but I just know, deep down in my heart that I have artistic talents . . . I can paint . . . I can draw . . . I can sculpt . . . but most likely those will remain simply satisfying hobbies, a creative outlet for me, and nothing more.


Art school is EXPENSIVE . . . and I am too old to invest what EASILY would come to over $100,000 + dollars on simply developing my talents . . . It might have made sense at twenty . . . maybe even thirty . . . but not now.


Actually, the idea doesn't even appeal to me any more . . . Even though I am well aware that I have talent, and several art teachers have told me that I have more ability than students who have gotten full ride scholarships to prestigious art schools . . . honestly . . . it just doesn't interest me now . . . and perhaps it never really did.


Advertising art is not at all appealing to me . . . I cannot be creative on demand, and trying to force that is particularly frustrating to me . . . I would much rather that a full ride scholarship (which is COMPLETELY hypothetical and which was never sought after, nor offered) go to someone younger and more driven . . . someone following their heart . . .


Other priorities, too, have changed . . .


I have to admit that over the years some dreams and goals, I cried about giving up . . . Some sacrifices were HARD . . . but I knew, deep down in my heart, that to ME absolutely NOTHING was more important than my family . . . and I made the sacrifices I felt necessary to be the kind of mom and wife I wanted with all my heart to be.


Oh, I still didn't do it (either one) perfectly . . . not even CLOSE . . . I have made SOOOOOOOO many mistakes . . . but I do know that I truly have tried . . .


For one thing, I took a long, hard look at my family of origin, and made some deliberate changes, trying to weed out unhealthy patterns and 'traditions' that I did not want pass along . . . that I did not wish to have continue . . . That process was HARD . . . surprisingly hard . . . uncomfortable at best, and absolutely excruciating at times . . . but it, too, was THAT important to me . . .


So here I am . . . in the midst of yet MORE changes in my life . . . Some of these unexpected changes I did not plan to be dealing with in this season of my life . . . but . . . life is just like that sometimes . . .


I know that if I just keep plugging along, trying to do my prayerful best, that I will be able to continue to build a life worth having, and still be able to be there as a support to those I love so dearly . . .


Because learning to deal with changes -- both the ones eagerly anticipated and longed for AND the ones you prayed with all your heart would never happen to you and those you love -- IS what life is all about . . . because 'Life IS what happens while you are making other plans' . . .


And it is STILL beautiful . . . STILL very much worth living and celebrating . . .

GONNA RUN AWAY AND JOIN THE CIRCUS . . .

Yesterday we took assorted visiting family members and 'ran away' to the circus . . . I have been to a circus once before . . . when I was a child with my family. For most of the rest, it was their very first in person circus.


Now, I have seen MANY movies/TV shows that featured a circus . . . read books that referred to them . . . but it was different, seeing it in person. I think that maybe I have become jaded because I have gotten so used to watching stunts on a screen that has been digitally mastered, or that was filmed against a blue screen or that relied heavily on camera angles to produce the 'magic' . . .


Watching acrobats -- in person -- some with safety wires, some without, do their stunts HIGH above the arena really made me realize how risky what they do IS . . . These groups did flips and stunts that were extremely dangerous . . . You could tell they were well rehearsed, and had put in long hours perfecting their craft. One pair did these stunts on these big . . . hamster wheels. I don't know what else to call them. They ran around inside AND outside, skipping rope, relying on their superb senses of timing and balance to keep them from falling, if not to their deaths, at least to serious injury.


Even watching the tiger tamer with his seven or eight BIG, powerful cats, cracking his whip and having them to tricks and perform seemed much scarier and riskier in person, where you can SEE the men dressed in black stationed every few feet around the outside of the enclosure with cattle prods and nooses, just there as insurance in case something goes horribly wrong.


We watched it all, enthralled and DELIGHTED . . . the elephants dancing . . . the horses and zebras performing . . . the stunts . . . the clowns . . . the acrobats . . . the tricks . . . the 'miraculous' disappearing and reappearing sleights of hand . . . It was a FUN afternoon to spend together . . .


And then we returned home and I changed and ran off to the baptism of a new friend in our ward. I have known her for only a few short months, and I do not know her well . . . but I know her enough to know a little about the journey her life has been to get to the point where she wishes to get baptized and be clean and whole before the Lord and begin her quest to return to her Heavenly Father . . .


After watching all those magical, breathtaking, awe inspiring stunts all afternoon, it was very humbling to be so strongly reminded, once again, that the miracles performed in individual human hearts . . . where old patterns, old weaknesses, old burdens are cleansed and lifted and someone is given a chance to start over, with a fresh slate, is truly the biggest miracle, the most amazing journey of all . . .

WE ARE FAMILY . . .

I just wanted to take a moment to THANK YOU . . . just for being my family . . .


I was thinking today about our family . . . perhaps because S and her children arrived last night, and probably in part because K and her children also came in and visited and ate dinner (can scrambled eggs and toast and homemade cookies be counted as dinner?) and we had a noisey, chaotic, absolutely delightful visit . . .


I love being a part of our family . . . a part of our big EXTENDED family . . .


When I start to really think about what that means, so many cherished memories flood my mind . . .


Mostly, I think of the times we have spent together laughing . . . We have laughed a LOT over the years . . . and I am grateful for that . . . Laughter is a tremendous bond between people, and I love that along with the squabbles and tears and fights, that there has been SOOOO much laughter within the walls of our home and in the times we have spent together . . . wherever we might be . . .


I treasure the memories I have . . .


Like hiking in the mountains, especially to View Rock . . . even the time we misjudged our time and had to hike down the mountain in the dark without flashlights . . . that was certainly an adventure . . .


Like the time we inadvertently picked the four or five HOTTEST weekends to paint our house . . . We fell off ladders . . . we grumbled . . . we scraped paint off sidewalks . . . we sweated and moaned and groaned . . . and at the end of it all, stepped back to admire all our hard work and simultaneously thought "who the HECK picked this AWFUL color?!?!?" (and yeah . . . it was ME . . . sigh) . . . and yet, somehow, that backbreaking, excruciating, exhausting 'adventure' has become a part of our family's history, and if anybody brings it up, we all laugh about what an ordeal it was . . .


Like the years of Family Home Evenings (the only family fights that we opened and closed with prayer and served refreshments for) where we sang songs (badly off key -- do you remember shutting the windows so none of the neighbors would hear us?) . . . discussed gospel principals . . . planned outings . . . and simply enjoyed one another's company . . . and strengthened our sense of identity as a family . . .


Like working on science projects . . . cub scouts . . . reading together as a family . . . the time spent right before being tucked in for the night, saying prayers and being asked "what was the WORST thing that happened to you today?" . . . quickly followed by the related question, "what was the BEST thing that happened to you today?" . . . a chance to review life's inevitable little humiliations and triumphs from the perspective of being in a place where you KNEW you were loved and appreciated and cherished . . . a place that was SAFE . . .


Like going to church as a family, week after week . . . sharing our faith, learning about reverence and responsibility . . . Priesthood blessings for illness or worries or travels or the beginning of each new school year . . .


Like family vacations to the Grand Canyon . . . Carlsbad Caverns . . . Yosemite . . . Calico Ghost Town . . . Disneyland . . . Knotts Berry Farm . . . Sea World and the Wild Animal Center . . . the beach . . . the mountains . . . trips to Texas and Utah to spend time with beloved cousins and uncles and aunts . . . trips to take S to BYU and M1 and M2 to the MTC . . .


Like opening our home to welcome friends . . . extended family . . . new loves . . . new babies . . . We wanted everybody to feel the warmth of our family's love and friendship . . . and we were always willing to include new people in our circle . . .


Like the sadness or saying good-bye to Grampa H . . . and Gramma C . . . and most heartbreaking of all, little baby Maddox, that we were all SO eagerly looking forward to getting to know and to love and to cuddle . . .



Through ALL life's ups and downs and triumphs and heartaches . . . we have pulled together and strengthened one another . . . supported one another . . . loved one another . . . and tried our best to be there for one another in any way that we could . . . perhaps imperfectly, but certainly whole heartedly . . .


I LOVE that about our family . . . and I am honored and delighted and truly humbled to be a part of such an amazing, versatile, talented, awesome group of people . . .


I love you ALL . . . with all my heart . . .

MY FUNNY VALENTINE . . .

When I was a little girl, I used to love to daydream about what my life would be like . . . I liked to fold a piece of construction paper in half and carefully cut out what would be a perfectly symmetrical heart when it was opened up . . . both halves perfectly matched . . . rounded, but not too round, pointed at the end, but not too skinny . . . absolutely PERFECT . . .


I just knew that that was exactly what love was like . . . that someday I would grow up and find someone to fall in love with that would match me so perfectly that our love would be JUST like that wonderfully symmetrical heart . . .


LOL . . . That was a LONG time ago . . . and I have discovered that reality rarely lines up with childhood fantasies . . . oh, I did grow up, meet and fall in love with a handsome prince . . . but the reality is that HE is no more perfect than I am . . . We have had to somehow muddle along and make do as two imperfect, unfinished, flawed human beings . . . The 'valentine' we have made over our thirty three years together (tomorrow is our anniversary) is definitely not perfectly symmetrical . . . there are gaps and rough, unfinished edges, that even all these many years down the road, sometimes I itch to trim . . .


WOW . . .


Thirty three years . . . how is that even possible? Sometimes people have asked me for our 'secret' as if there is some magical incantation or secret formula to staying together . . . Well, perhaps there IS, but if so, I am not privy to it . . .


We have stumbled along, making our way through stretches of blissful happiness . . . and some stretches that have bleak and hard -- heartbreakingly hard . . . Sometimes we have laughed . . . sometimes we have cried . . . sometimes we have fought about compromises that were not fun (as if compromises are ever really fun) . . . but fun or not, they are a necessary, important part of building a relationship because a family, a marriage is not a ME project that you can do all by yourself . . . it is an US project . . . and every single one is a unique work of art that has to be designed and executed by the two people involved . . . It is not a group project that your friends get a vote on . . . oh, family and friends can add MUCH richness to the tapestry of your life together . . . and can provide a vitally important safety net of emotional support . . . but the two DECIDING votes need to be your own . . . and that can be a hard, tricky lesson to learn . . .


I guess, if there IS a 'secret' we have learned, it is simply to hang in there and keep trying . . . which is, of course, easy enough to do when things are going well and there is enough money, and life is good, and laughter comes easily, and our cherished dreams and hoped-for goals are are being met . . .


It is much trickier, much harder, but even more important, to hang in there when things are not so sunny . . . when finances are tight (or impossible) . . . when a dream or two has hit a roadblock or gone splat . . . when laughter is not as frequent a visitor as tears and frustrations . . . when the easiest thing to do feels like to throw it all away, and start over fresh with someone new someday . . .


Oh, I am well aware that not every marriage CAN be saved . . . No matter how much one person may want that . . . sometimes not even when both people want it . . . and I am certainly not an expert on marriage in general . . . I am not even an expert on MY marriage . . . but while I may not know everything, I have learned a few things . . . and I am more grateful than I can express that we have given each other the opportunity to KEEP learning . . . KEEP growing . . . KEEP trying . . .


Because as imperfect and flawed as our marriage is . . . There is much worth working for and hanging on to . . .


I love that we have three decades worth of private jokes accumulated . . . and can share them, even across a crowded room, with just the flicker of a smile, or a look . . .


I love that I have learned how to make my husband feel loved . . . whether or not I always do those things . . .


I love that we both cherish our five amazing children, and that either one of us would do anything in our power to keep them and those they have added to our family circle, safe and whole . . .


I love that we still laugh together . . . that we are genuinely FRIENDS, as well as lovers and partners and parents and joint mortgage holders . . .


I love that even when we don't see eye-to-eye on something . . . we can be respectful of our differences of opinion . . . That we have learned that coming up with a compromise involves listening to one another, and taking the time to hear and understand what is difficult to hear and understand . . .


I am not exactly sure why we are still together after all these years, because like every other marriage, there have been times when either one of us could have called it quits and felt justified . . . but . . . here we are . . . and I just want to say THANK YOU, Mark, for continuing to love me even when you don't understand me . . . or I baffle . . . or frustrate you . . . even when I have spent too much money . . . even when we disagree . . . even when I have hurt you . . . even when we are in the midst of a stretch that is not fun . . . even when it would be sooo much easier to walk away . . .


That you have chosen not to do so, over and over and over, touches my heart deeply . . .


I love you, Mark . . . Happy almost anniversary . . .

A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES . . .

Today I was driving across Riverside, over by Fairmont Park and looked up and caught a glimpse of Mt. Rubidoux . . . Now I have lived here for eons, and seen it off in the distance maybe (roughly) a million times . . . but I have only climbed it once . . . a year and a half ago. And seeing it today, put me right back there . . .


T and J and little M invited us along on a hike to the cross at the top. I know it was a year and a half ago, only because it was during the time I was waiting on my first cataract surgery. I was legally blind in one eye, and the other eye (which also had a cataract growing) didn't have great vision either.


I had seen Mt. Rubidoux off in the distance so many times that I didn't think it would be that big a deal to climb it, but it was actually a pretty steep, grueling hike. The five of us hiked it, and I can still VIVIDLY remember how worried I was about my eyes . . . I was relieved with the diagnosis of 'cataracts' because those are the most easily fixable of all the possible causes of my diminished vision (I couldn't even drive the last month or two). It was really a DARK, scary time . . .


I enjoyed the hike (what a work out!!!) but I remember how disconcerting it was to look out and KNOW that there was a gorgeous view available . . . and to realize that I could see so little of it, and what I could see was blurred.


I was feeling SO scared about the future during that hike . . . I mean I loved being outdoors, on such a beautiful day, with people that I absolutely cherished . . . I LOVED that . . . but everything I enjoy most in life involves my sight . . . reading . . . drawing . . . painting . . . sewing . . . writing . . . studying . . . If something went wrong with the surgery, and those things were lost to me forever . . . MAN . . . I just couldn't even face that thought . . .


So despite it being such a bright, sunny day . . . and an activity I was sharing with my husband, and son and daughter-in-law and grandson . . . that particular day seemed rather dark and bleak to me . . . I was SO scared . . . Too apprehensive and afraid to even voice my thoughts . . . I don't think I ever told anyone . . .


Stumbling across that memory TODAY, especially so unexpectedly, when I saw Mt. Rubidoux, off in the distance, made me realize how MUCH I have to be grateful for . . .


Here it is a year and a half later . . . I have had cataract surgery on both eyes (the surgeries were a year apart) and my vision is AMAZING. I CAN sew . . . I CAN read . . . I CAN draw . . . I CAN study . . . I CAN see the beautiful, cherished faces of the people I love . . .


I am SO very thankful for that blessing . . .

THURSDAY RAMBLINGS . . .

I have been TRYING to think of things to write about . . . because I know they always say if you want to write or like to write, you should write SOMETHING every single day . . . and I have missed quite a few days lately . . .


I have sat down, all ready and determined to write . . . and blah, blah, blah . . . I cannot think of ANYTHING worth saying . . . I mean, I know that blogging doesn't HAVE to be 'about' anything . . . there is no word length requirement or insightfulness level that must be reached . . . so you would THINK that there would be no pressure at all . . . but since I enjoy writing . . . love words, the pressure is there to say something that represents ME somehow . . .


LOL . . .


So, I suppose I must face the fact that *I* am filled with banal drivel and nothingness . . . which, theoretically should remove the last of any imagined pressure I have been feeling to blog RIGHT . . . or at least WELL . . . whatever that means . . .


This has been a weird summer . . . unexpectedly sad and difficult . . . stretchy in ways I did not anticipate. I was hanging on by my fingernails the last few weeks of the semester, SO stressed and SO worn down . . . I really was looking forward to a few months of kicking back and recharging my batteries and just doing FUN projects , just because I WANTED to . . .


HMMMMMMM . . . so far I have done a little cleaning . . . a little organizing . . . a little dejunking . . . but I really have not done ANY of the fun, creative projects I had planned on . . . partly because life intervened . . . partly because I just sort of had the wind knocked out of me, and lost my momentum . . .


Oh, summer isn't over yet, and my priorities shifted a little (which is perfectly acceptable and always necessitates a shuffling of plans). I have had the opportunity to participate in potty training an adorable little toddler that I love dearly . . . so, I can't say I haven't accomplished ANYTHING . . . Going for walks to look for bugs . . . cuddling while we watched Madagascar or Cars for the bazillioneth time . . . Giggling hysterically over books about froggies and ballerinas and other fun stuff . . . and just being silly . . . "I love YOU" . . . "NO no no no no . . . *I* love *YOU*" . . . over and over again . . .


Those things are important, too . . . Actually those kinds of things are probably FAR more important than finishing the mural on the castle room wall or painting or rearranging pictures on walls . . . Those can be done another time . . . The time frame where this little guy will be so content to hang out with Gramma and be SO delighted with my silly sense of humor, is way too brief . . .


Ditto for time spent visiting the people I love . . . Yeah, gas is expensive . . . yeah, it is difficult to give up an entire weekend . . . Yeah, I would rather sleep in my own bed . . . But I would gladly give up everything I have to spend another weekend with my mom . . . to hear her voice . . . to listen to her words of wisdom making sense out of everything . . . to just HUG her again . . . and that possibility has passed . . . So I intend to cherish EVERY opportunity I have to spend precious time with loved ones . . . There is NO possession or opportunity that would trump that . . . at least for ME . . .


Family comes first . . .


I love you guys . . . and I hope you know that . . .